Venus

     Now, I said I was not done recounting the past experiences in speaking with women in the past of fall 2018. The most unintentional meeting with someone was just when I was sitting at the front of the school one day. You can see at the beginning of that semester, there was a woman who stood at the front of the school and she had a large bag. She wore the short shorts and just a white tank top. I am to say that I really disliked the person at the start like they put no effort to look good in public in my opinion. I say this because later; oh, they would assume that I wanted to have sex with them later on when they abruptly "unfriended" me in public and refused to even give me any respect as my own individual. I think some thing to be said is that on one day I was sitting there I was being friendly towards this person and spoke to them when they sat near me. I think really much I spoke to them because they were gazing at me and it was awkward to sit next to them. I talked to them about how racist the people at the school was and they said they "understand,". And said, " I am a mutt, mixture of hispanic, native American and white". There should be words that you should never hear anyone say about theirselves. This was a red flag. Maybe the girl watched too much porn or something and just was involved in a hateful family but "mutt" is a very derogatory term to refer to anyone of color and yet yourself. If you use it to yourself, then you don't respect yourself. I mean to say this person was not the most attractive person out there but she had some type of figure yet I did not judge her on these features at all. Namely given the fact that I really did not like her appearance at all, I was just respecting her as a person and not letting my own ideals prevent me from recognizing a person who was different from me.

    Yet, this person called Venus was some what to become a confidant for me in this time period and the closest thing to a friend until the end of spring 2019. Almost every day after that I would speak to her or she would speak to me.  It was just a friendly thing that was mutual. Remarkably, the individual had a boyfriend when all she apparently did whenever I would see her would be sleeping, just idly sitting there and looking sleepy or trying to go to sleep. This person was like Hypnos but a female version of this "god". I mean she was like the god of sleep. She would only become more sleepy in time as time progressed and basically well, probably thought that I was just getting to close to her and seeing her "sleep" or something. But yet, she was the person choosing to sleep in public and be comfy too. This person by spring 2019 was bringing blankets and sleeping on benches and stuff around the campus and not only at the front. I mean, somewhat she did not know that doing this was a bad idea and really see just somewhat looked like a hobo. She eventually came to school in pajamas. I mean to say that really this aspect of the person I truly ignored and some days just did not even bother with her because she was asleep and some days did not come near. Other days I would just sit there because it was a public space and I should not have to stand outside just because someone always wanted to sleep in a place.

   The person was 19 years old basically and was like the most sluggish person ever and somewhat thought that because I was always speaking to her and she speaking to me, I was out to get her in the public eye and sneak a peep. The person ardently misunderstood the relationship by the end of what would be the friendship and really did not know how much an effort I was making to ," be a friend". I mean to say that she truly thought I was out to "sleep" with her. She eventually just cut me off and stopped speaking to me even when we would say hello to each other almost everyday. One day she just changed after she had solely for weeks being regressing into a person who just slept all the time in public. I mean, I think she felt she needed to focus on "her boyfriend" with her meager strength and realized that I was causing her too much an energy crisis and decided just to not even appreciate me as a person but in her mind, a person who really from the start was out to sleep with them. Which actually is a lazy ass conclusion. But what can you say of a person who sleeps all day?

   I am to say that this person was an artist. They were kind of down in their luck. Their mother or aunt had to come and drop them off early and then pick them up. They were kind of in a desperate situation because of that. They really were not motivated about art and never once but one time did they even have anything of art upon them-like a completed piece. Like, I am to say this person was down in their life and they were always depressed but where friendly to some extent at the beginning before they devolved to a total sleeper. Its sad. They were the antithesis of me but yet we were able to be friends at all. I mean to say that they were not willing to do what was necessary to succeed.

   I am to say that we were not similar at all but completely different even if we had the same tennant of art. You should know that by 19, I actually had a plan and directive to where I wanted to go with things and was working to make my comics a reality. I stayed up late and many times did not get enough sleep because I was adamant about my work. I never slept at the campus and was always making use of extra time and free time for comics. Literally this person was just a person who had given up on their future. And even though I tried to convince them otherwise, it really just did not work. I never related my past or whatever I did at 19 because I did not want to sound pretentious or on a higher ground than them and judged it would not be helpful. I am to say that if I actually wanted to help them, I would have told them my narrative exactly but I never did because I for one was not going to trust a person who slept all day with my history or my state of being in the past. People have tended to get jealous or angry that I have a better understanding of the world and success than them and really much I perceived that sooner or later, she would just be the same as them even if I never told her anything at all. Because she was making a low effort and so much less than any other person I would meet in these two semesters. The other women had life about them whilst she had just angst and sleepiness for a life.

    One thing I can say is that towards the end, I did realize that she had a nice body but yet really much remembered that she did not really much care about herself and even her public image and so frankly choose just to ignore that element of her. Yet she just took off with the most lazy conclusion of them and just took off with that conclusion, that I really wanted to sleep with her and break her up from her boyfriend. It is the most ridiculous shit, I have ever heard of or seen. I mean, just because you acknowledge a person is attractive does not mean you want to sleep with them. I mean, I realized alot of women attractive before her and really probably only grew in any attraction because we spoke nearly each day least she was asleep.  I am to say that when she basically was rude to me by ignoring me for the rest of the semester, I really did just remember how much I really did not find her attractive originally and that the person I had gotten to know was just callous, self centered and more cruel than any of the other women I spoke to. She instantly killed all attraction that had been gained in her favor when she basically just left me hanging off our daily routine of "friendship". So basically she just became the person I saw as a "hobo" again at the front of the school. And this time, I would know it was true that she had no real frame of morals-no real house of structure. Just sleeping and being selfish. 

   The thing is that I never was going to even engage in the idea of sleeping with her in the first place. Nope, I was not. I just was not going to even do that at all. Like whenever in any of the previous stories have I been like, "oh, she is attractive-let's go get her to sleep with me". There has never been such a fucking story. All to be said, its more like-" I see someone attractive and want to get to know them". It is not me who goes around and just having sex with random ass people. But this person who was my "friend" seemed to assume that is all that I did for racial reasons. Oh, the horror. To have thought you had made a friend but really had just made a pure and honest enemy who really did not respect you. I am to say this person was not alright in my books after all that bullshit of ignoring me and then basically acting as if I was the aggressor that she decided not to sit at the front anymore. I actually was relieved because I could have more time to think alone than be bothered by that person before I was picked up. The thing folks is that I never actually came to the front of the school for her but just so that I would not miss my ride home. That enough to say is that I was open minded enough to speak to a person I truly did not like( as I viewed her as one of those women at school and at highschools who really don't care about theirselves and just really lash out at those they are close to and basically distance theirselves from any real people who do anything good)but she just proved me right in the end-that she really was just trash.

   There are to be said alot of adventures with this individual and where I sat with them at the front. Probably too much to really write down and make any sense in a post. I have tried to do that before but its all a waste of time really when I look back many of the things are incoherent and not well placed or paced yet what can you write when you are totally not all that well and just angry for much of the time.

    So basically this whole story with Venus ended simply with me realizing how this person was just like  alot of racist and off putting people I had met before in the past two semesters of fall 2018 and spring 2019.  She basically was a person who was literally after she frankly distanced herself from me, looking at me with these eyes of interest and sharp interest at that. Would be shocked as I came around and frankly just felt sorry for the person. They truly did not know how to communicate anything and frankly even if they did-the answer would have been no. Alas, many people just up and assume that I have no autonomy of my own and what they say that I want is what I want. The thing is that no, I never want any of "that". I mean if roles were reversed. Oh, you would be held accountable by saying "that girl was asking for it" or "they want sex". I mean to say that you would sound as some sort of sexual abuser. But lo and behold, many women just get off from having beliefs of the sort and never giving the other person to even express any sort of autonomy over theirselves. Truly, this person just was smart enough to copy the reactions of racists and people who just want to take advantage of you. I mean to say that she was an "evil sleeper" if that makes any sense. She probably dreamt of bad things and killing people and all that sort of shit. She was smart enough to know what she was doing was wrong but then  chose to do it anyway and when that never worked out, she realized that she had made a mistake!  Like, I am to say that her whole jumping the ship of me," coming onto her". was very forced from what was just formerly an amicable friendship. She only choose to guard herself from her own feelings in a selfish and evil way and then realized, " it does not work like that".

     She never asked if I was attracted to her. She never told me that she did not want to be friends anymore which would have been better than just making a person look like a fool for speaking with them( a person  who was not even at the standard of even being amongst the normal people on campus). She never spoke to me and just up and placed all her problems upon me. And frankly, I said to myself, "screw you". Anyways, to be true-it was all done and said without even me getting a say and frankly I wasted time speaking with this person at the front of the school for a semester and then another. I would have given to give that time to others, I realized at the end of spring 2019. I did not come out from this story saying, "all women are the same no matter what shit side of town they live on". I really just realized how this person just blocked something of a friendship and any real meaningful anything of advice she could have gotten from out of me. While she was the antithesis of me, she was in the exact same place as me to an extent but yet some people just cannot be helped. They won't let anything natural to be formed but just fake illusions and fake idealisms of success. I am to say that for this person as long as they could sleep, they could keep real life away and never have to make any critical decisions when they had a good mind on their head. Truly this person was basically lost and no one was really showing her the way. Oft, I am to say that really much after a point in thinking about this individual and how they wanted to cast me off in this forced convenience never realizing me for me when I had made the effort to realize them-that maybe they weren't a good person at all. Would always be self centered and self loathing and not give a fuck about this or that in all honesty.