The relief never comes.

     I had a better sense of optimism when and where I started that fall 2018. But I would not leave with it the same. No, I would be bashed time and time again and basically unable to regain any form of grace. Felt as if that it was just a waste of time what I was doing the form of social terms. Of course, you have to speak to people to even see if you can go anywhere with individuals who admire. You just don't look at them from afar and wait for them to speak to you. No, you don't do that and namely you are lucky if that happens at all or unlucky(as you will not have the strength or social skills required to tell them no if and when they are abusive). But alas folks in the real world if you never speak to anyone in a proper respecting way nothing is going to happen. Yet I mean to say that nothing would happen even if I spoke to people at all, because they had hatred ingrained in them and really much are the antithesis of societal advancement.  I think its better than wishing on a star thinking these people were "good at all". You should realize that some people really just make theirselves look ugly and I realize today more so than I did then-that it was not a waste to find these people who you would like were not people who you wanted to be with at all. 

  There came a point where I express that I really could not treat these people as equals any longer for how haunty and ugly they were and when you get to that point, you realize you don't like these people and while you try to veer away from the word hate-its a strong dislike. Like you can never look at them the same way or even want to be amongst them. I clarify greatly, you don't want to be amongst them at all. I imagined back then and even now that it would be like one of those bitter relationships were people force theirselves to stay together for some dumb reason like they are the same race or religion or some dumb shit  like that. Worse you would just be together because of faulty images of how one views the other. I mean if someone bitter then realized they actually liked people treating them like people, I surely never engaged them again and if not when they paused in a hallway-openly made a point to not engage them. It was to say some people were then accustomed to the magic of me suddenly speaking to them. But yet, they had shown their true colors and really enough I was never going to show my true self to them at all.

   I was not going to give them this gift of being approached when they could not speak for theirselves. I was not going to do the work alone or carry the relationship. There are many people who carry relationships and I mean, they basically make the relationship work by basically taking the burden of the relationship even being successful. Women tend to do this alot honestly and will stay together with a man who cheats on them, just to have an image and such and such. I mean that is pretty much what people do, take up with insults to their character over and over until they are a shell of theirselves. I mean enough to say that I was not going to sign up for that shit and so frankly, you can see why this whole time of fall 2018 just weighed me down. 

   I was trying to get the "girl" but really there was no one to get in the way I was aiming to or directing conversation to. I truly just missed the mark. But alas, nothing was simple however. Even people whom you thought you should have directed attention to, aren't that so great most of the time.So essentially all that happened was mishap after mishap and really the one two people I stood a chance with, you could never see really much at all to even start to talk to. Yet I will say in time this semester or 2018 would end would have thought there would have been three people who could be good people but even when you caught the dream in 2019( and I mean this in the sense of thinking you are going to be able to seek a relationship with the person)-you realize they are not any different than people who have very problematic views of the world.

    I mean I was sad before the semester began and was being harassed by this counselor essentially that I never actually talked to the one person I stood the chance with at the very beginning of the semester. I just missed the chance and frankly nothing will ever make up for it. Yea, even by the end of the semester-I was sad. Then even worse sad by the end of spring 2019. But no one cared at all and I just moved onward to eventually express certain feelings to where I am today. 

  I remember the sense of optimism like yesterday at the start of the semester and things just became chalky over time to where you could not get a break at all and really much people would aspire to be the worst. I mean some women I talked to or were first friendly to me where very hostile by spring 2019. Honestly nothing got better at all for all the courage of "waving back", being friendly and the such. These people could not even give you the benefit of the doubt to even let you alone and then looked at you as if you had done something wrong for just waving to them one time or just talking to them like human people. I mean to say that some people just want to be abused and used. And when they see a skin color that is dark, they think you ought to be an user and an abuser. I mean that the problems of these very twisted people would follow me into the next semester and lord dear god, you try to speak to them and they only get worse. I mean way worse. Pretty much I am to say no person should have to face any level of backlash because they spoke to a person to try to get to know them. And frankly, I am to say some people don't know bad they offend to where people who previously want to know them want nothing to do with them and frankly have to go to great lengths to shake off their harassment. Don't go glaring at people who don't call you a "bitch" even when that's what you like to be called. Openly many of these people I spoke to, it did not take a genius to recognize but they had a very low sense of respect for theirselves. I am to say that feminism frankly has not done shit for anyone but how low these people viewed theirselves and really much just wanted to make suggestive thoughts that normal people don't think about unless they are in a committed relationship. I am to say that some people just like to let their minds wander to a sexual way of being that is disrespectful, racist and just evil to another individual.  Like seriously, I was only trying to get to know people and nothing above that definitely but people want to believe a bunch of bullshit because they are racist and watch too much reality tv which just purports racist images about people of color that certain people of color then act upon.

All to say this just leaves you sad and just really just pissed off at the world in general for how people are just allowed to be so ugly and them not ever being made to realize that what they did was wrong. Alas, even if people are hurt by what I write about what they truly are like and what they actually did-it never replaces the level of sad that I feel. Knowing that just other people who are "agreeable to these women" are just going to get screwed over because they aren't just a race or "jungle-fever". My point to the great matter is that men feel pain and they can be hurt. They are just people. Society builds this image that you can "do no wrong to the man". That he is strong and he is invincible and all this bullshit. But really, men have ambitions and dreams as well as women do. They want to maybe have a supportive partner but I am to say that whomever actually ends up with many of these women won't ever be happy. It will just be a forced happy and well they might not realize it at first but they won't be able to have an ideal life with people who very well don't actually like them. Many people get remarried or have two partners in which they have children with. Its because they freaking just fell in with the wrong person. 

Many men have children with women who they cannot live amongst at all. Many women do as well. I mean to say that frankly, I am glad that basically society made it so easy for people to never give me a chance because frankly who wants to be married or have children with people who really don't like you at all or aren't support or productive? Other men aren't so lucky whatever their race and just fall into the pit of "false need" when their real self is not wanted at all. I am not trying to frame women as the enemy whereas the opposite is very much true as well in this world, but I am speaking from how things actually do occur in this world and not make believe. I mean enough folks that you cannot be with people who just want to date and marry their parents or have these racist ideals on who you are. If you are to get anything out of this, male or female, you should recognize that. Truly, I never will express any of this stuff to any people in my life because guess what? There are no people in which I would entrust with my feelings or any romantic story. They would just laugh at me and belittle me to be honest and that's frankly everyone I have ever even attempted to talk to.

Yet when I started in fall 2018, whilst sad from previous disappointments-I was optimistic and looking towards the future and well, there would be no good romantic anything at all. Just seeing the people who are lucky enough to find someone or have the chance to actually talk to people where environments and culture aren't abusive around them-is all you will ever get close to anything romantic which is to say nothing romantic at all. Just constant mockery, constant strife and people just pissing on you if you even express a hint of fucking grief.