My Trail of Tears.
Preface;
A long time ago, a bunch of people who where the true natives of America were forced to moved in a large torturous trail to a place that was not their home and a way of life that would be just a prison and a loss of their culture. Often people namely republicans celebrate the notion of such an advent and just keep it from out of sight and mind what the United States did for freedom and a sense of "justice". People with their confederate flags and willing notions that this journey needed to be and that Native Americans still need to suffer as if the condition in which they are placed today is somewhat normal. I realized to an extent how a person or people can feel when they are forced to leave constantly from one place that was their home to another. In 2017 spring, I basically in no means to offend any natives of any sort felt as if I was on a trail of tears from the land of tomorrow that 2017 was to be and placed into a racist time where I could need sit one place too long or be bothered by people majorly white. It is to say that I moved across a community college to get away from people who wished to cause conflict, lived and loved the estate of hatred and harm and really much moved for the notion of being forced out of any given area because people passed boundaries and threatened my life. When I was walking these many days, many days would have been skipping class not because I wanted to but because I was forced to for my own self and mental safety. People truly believed nonsensical idealism about reality that I was the problem for just existing. They had a fear of natural hair and braids. They could not tolerate your skin color and they hated you from the get go. The teachers allowed people to be hostile towards you or even say things towards you and at you that painted blame on you. It is in these walks I would realize that a narrative was just the normalization of evil. Pure evil and such to an extent that no one dared to challenge such faulty depositions, they were right or to be and frankly people not having the knowledge was never the issue. It was the will to do good and they refused. Many times my mind drifted back to the many times where my mother said that her grandfather was somewhat native american and not "like the others" and recalled she did not know much about his origins. I am to think that whilst people are comfortable in their history of hate and want ownership of it- I cannot have any great family knowledge of my ancestors to any of the people or any of the persons before. The cultures they belonged to-you will never truly know and that is what is so ardently fucked up I realized. People only in this country have only ancestry mainly in the part of people doing bad and fucked up shit. And the people who were the victims can never be remembered for how they struggled, succeeded and lived. I vowed that I would not let this be forgotten.
The time of these walks around the campus were just not for show but a remembrance of a past struggle and a treacherous journey. Two meanings I gave them for my most inherent cultures to my mother's side. Reminded me of having to go back to a time of racial cruelty of such novelty justification of antichrist endeavors. Reminded me of then a time where people fought for their rights in the marches in the 1960s. I felt as if I was standing up for who I was and that really was not going to just take a bullet of blame and be pitted as a dog for people and their histories of oppressors and people who enabled oppressors. I was not going to be what they wanted. I played the game far in square as much as unfair the game was. I did not truly invest in the hard damages the reveal of their culture in these class rooms could reveal. No, I fought against the grain. Refusing to go to these classes was like refusing to be pitted into a trap where any sane person would realize they would die under the strain to be a lesser person and individual for letting people disrespect them and hit them around with words and their history of "superiority". For people who truly had all the knowledge to gain from their ancestors, they were not smart to any degree but a novelty of hatred that bars any form of intelligence or mental grace. Just without the humanity of a culture that respects anything of good blessings. Hatred and stupidity were all the legacy of these people. There is no point in even noting how one directional these people were truly to not realize that people were people and not phenomenon of "mixed cultures" but of worlds they could never imagine and ones not so far away from them. When I walked around I saw so much hate and really enough people never recognized what and which harm I was in and if they cared-they just thought it was a " just reality".
The other reason to say in which I walked was to distance myself and the trap of having to waste anytime or energy on people where it was not necessary nor would be profitable. I could have told my parents, I could have dropped the classes and never looked back and I could have just gone to one class that semester but nothing would have been better. It would have been worse. Those racist people would still be out there unchallenged and people who were like me and worse so like me as well would never get the else attention from anyone else to solve any issue or be of a challenge to a racist norority. No, I saw things through to the end as much as person can be safe and regard their own life. I saw everything to write it down to tell my story and the following few lines are just that story.
1
Could not bind my nerves today to go in and play the chained up man game. Stuck to a chair, the people unawares to wrong and the teacher singing their political song. I never get it wrong. I never "violently act" but I do hold back when the people do need a smack for a whisper or a hot breath on the back of my neck.
2
One day in that class of a face so eagle like and sharp in its history and its convictions, I could no longer be apart of this class to play as the fool for these people when all I did was just sit and listen. All they could do was listen to their inward hatred and the very bitter notions of it.
3
The betrayal did not sting at all but I was amazed that people would do it at all. I should speak up? Just like people do today and just become an image where people ease around them like a boat does to pass around jagged rocks. Nope, I was not going to do them that pleasure. They wanted to poke and prod, let them do it. I was not going to move in my conviction to not even have to speak for what was wrong.
4
The thing of what was wrong should have been common sense and common culture of something to never do but in the beginning of the future of 2017, this was something people thought they were guaranteed to do. So sensationalized and so right to have safe spaces when they would go home and even make the school and extension of these places to embrace a racist history.
5
I though however was tired eventually of standing firm and saying nothing while people blazed their arrows at me for their haunty convictions, the same convictions that sent people on a Trails of Tears and albeit conversely into being forced-sent other people into marches for their freedom. The big thing is that they-these people only represented a history of forcing people into a place where they did not want to go or forcing people to fight for their rights to even live life.
6
Would realize for all this nonsense, I could not recover the plan for that semester when I did not even have a fair chance at these classes. I continued fighting onward to some goal anyone would assume hopeless with people of such entitled convictions. But I would not let them think they had a victory.
7
O, I held firm and well some days a person refused to go in because it all made you sick and just angry and if not never had anyone to speak to even understand what you were going through. It was just you alone in the wilds with people out to get you. Noticeable people they were not but thought they were.
8
The teacher dared glare at me with eyes of steel as if pegged on by imaginary voices. I was not the one to depict any idealism of sympathy with such a person but this individual who was the teacher kept pausing every so forth as if to why he was stuttering was because I sat in front of the room. He could not be calm and really much was a nuisance. Eventually had to face my head down to the desk and even then eventually as the turn of march in these 1 hour and 30 minute classes I would feel as being blamed for ruining a perfect scene with all the dullards of a hatred conviction and those who sough it. Surely the students who vyed for an ideal legacy of power in hatred dared step up to the plate.
9
The person behind me. The person beside me. All young women but somewhat entitled to their dignity of hatred-few young men would sigh and someone girl behind me had the audacity to say, " why is he even here?" It was just one time but all I needed enough to just boycott this government class.
10
I hardly there came to class for the remainder of the term albeit tests and just one class a week just to show my face and that I still was there. It is just that people in 2010s later do not want to live in the 1960s or willing go to a place they will be harassed when and where they don't have to be.
11
Things were so nice on testing days. No one had an issue then if the teacher was not in the front of the room and it was not apparent to them in their limited cognitive realities that I existed when they focused solely on their tests. As if I was not sitting in the front or the aside of them.
12
These people were the creeps of course. Anytime in which they could voice the direction of "degradation" they claimed was advancement-they glared at you as if you were fucked up for even existing but really enough showed how much they loved just a whitecentric view of everything. How they viewed their lives just a continuation of hatred and no one could be but what their ancestors had envisioned them to be-less than human.
13
Every day I would come to that government class would be taking punches all the while and really much when people say to you behind you even," why are you here?" Then refuse to say anything more realizing their internalized fear for your "violence"-they fail to notice that you could have be violent not because of a racist depiction but because you were a person called out for no reason and just to build many persons in the class up in their ideal legacy of discrimination. These punches especially the one even trying to remove you from existence or even being in existence any natural way-were very low and disgusting punches. It took all my fortitude to resist saying anything at all. I just let them fear the solitude of talking to a rock and that is what I was in these days I would go to the classes.
14
I always would have to chill out after these classes and started counting down to the ending and really much the ending would be brutally brutal. I had been blocked from my goals to get any education in not only the government class but the history class.
15
There in that history class was something rotten and something very disgusting. An individual who revered the history of hate so much that he wanted to build up a history of hate just for Mexicans alone to hate everyone else. Rewrote history so many times that all the class was-was nonsense.
16
In both places education was barred because of racist damnation and that same damnation forced me to move and often move on walking around campus because I could not be not harassed or even enter the class just when it came to history. Because an otherly fictionalized version of history requires such a hefty reservation a person cannot even get in when they came just a minute behind everyone else and by anyone's watch were not late and had a minute to spare.
17
Days were worse in that history class that I could not even get in to be tortured like the government class. Days were so bad that I could not get in that class at all just to be harassed and there likely enough the teacher was openly more vocal on his discrimination.Never gave people spare his favorite "girl" student the time to participate and well on the day of the finals nearly had a paper ripped so hard out of my fingers that I nearly got a papercut. The expression on this guy's face was just one of self loathing and looking at me as if I weighed him down and as if I was not a person worth teaching but anyone who was white was. Because these people probably were all the people he needed to please and prove anything to. I later took a class on the same subject one year later in a better and non racist circumstance. Never once where the true issues of blacks even mentioned and well-civil rights was just as well skipped in the class for a long extension on a period of time where cowboys were kings and natives of america were just the enemies.
18
He would describe how bad the natives were. That they scalped the heads of the people they killed. How they were so violent and so angry and all the stereotypical racist troupes you occasionally hear in a history class on that expansion period in American history as if to justify the massacre of them. Loved to hear all the beckonings of the proud white students as if they were learning anything but just how "criminals would be on the run and then shot down dead as they deserved". No great emphasis on culture. No great emphasis on the people being as a culture really removed from their homes into reservations but just a novelty of acceptance of "this is the way things should be to have the great society of America that is today". Such a children gradeschool lie was passed on by this professor at this community college and really it was a miseducation.
19
Everything this mexican man said was fueled with vitriol and fake concern for the native people and really much never brought them up again after they were put in the reformation schools as if they did not have a future. Maybe he thought we was enlightening people by posing heavy emphasis on horrible details but clinically left out all the parts in which the people truly were. He just brought up the culture items everytime something bad was to threaten them.
20
The Buffalo being hunted to extinction only to introduce the expansion.
21
The cutting of hair at the Christianity conversion schools only to note the transference of people into Christianity.
22
The Ghost dance only to signal that the natives time as a widespread people was "finally over" and now you people can go home and just continue enjoying land gained from their deaths.
23
Never have I ever felt so uncomfortable in this Mexican man trying to appease the would be white narrative and maybe some white people in the class weren't racist and clearly enough did not buy the whole class.
24
In short that class was a mess and just went everywhere. It directly went into World War 2 after a brief notion of what happened after America was coast to coast so to speak. It literally only had one day on the civil rights movement or something convenient of the many tangents of this one teacher would come up to bar the notion of ever getting too far into the topic because you got to keep the racists happy! Or so he thought. People just really were confused as much as I was least the one person that was his student pet and really much-they would follow all the contexts of misinformation in this one class and thought they knew history theirselves when they really did not.
25
No one could know history, I realized and history played out for me in that room and the other classes I would take to quiet an insufferable degree. Eventually having to skim into the room to even get inside later on and many days just walked around the campus until one of my parents would come to pick me up that day and I would never tell them how I was barred from the class room for coming just a minute early.
26
Oh, it was sad. Nothing compared to the trail of tears. But I recognized that I did share heritage with native peoples and it was like I was forced to keep running from something or be terrorized or glared at or just upright bothered.
27
I would always sit in the back of this community college nearest the woods, there were benches and tables but it was pretty forlorn. Across the tennis court, people played and whilst people came out from their classes- I never saw anyone from the classes I should have been in come out from to this long distance place from where the class was located and frankly go to their cars they could have parked on that long distance side. Such privilege it was that many of these people had "their own cars" in the sense that they could borrow their parents cars and basically call it their own car and feign independence so roughly it was absurd. Some people and just many people of color will just have to wait to buy their own cars to drive anywhere and then get terrorized and even murdered for going out I pondered. To me just in the thought of being stopped and frisked and life threatened-it was a blessing that I did not have a car. That I did not have any sort of thing to be a fool around or in.
28
I say that I traveled a long distance from that class of government or history to get to the other side of the campus where it would be the most quiet and the people would not be hostile to any nature or notion but indifference and if caring-did not care enough.
29
I would sit at a desk and draw about the someday where life would be better and where and when things would be better racially in America but I really noted that this whole skipping class out of coercion and fear was really just the top of the iceberg. People were never held accountable for their beliefs or ways of life that were evil and toxic. But the culture and ways of life of people of color were treated as trash especially when they weren't a rapper or footballer to be controlled or be a friend with.
30
I drew at this desk and I dreamed at it. It became my office of sorts and it was other doors and cars zoomed by and I could see people looking me in their vehicles as they passed. Only they realized something was wrong with me being there and not in class. The same trucks, the same cars and the same vehicles passed everyday and maybe they had been taking this road for a very long time. The trucks would all come at the same time and maybe they noticed many students never sat out there much at all and that the place was usually abandoned.
31
Eventually some times too many people would come out and be out in that area and they were nothing more than the sheltered from race issues but racist graphic design students and teachers. They all lived in that one fucking building up ahead the tables. I would walk around a bend of a large incline of grass and dirt and trees that would be difficult to navigate if you did not arch your legs another way. I eventually came to another parking lot where there was a retention pond near a music building and a Performing Arts or Theater building.
32
I knew I was not going to complete " educational goals" of either history or government but I certainly was not going to win or go anywhere wasting my time with the bigotry found on and in the classes if not the constant attacks on me. To be upfront neither class was an admirable one to be in and anyone sane past some convictions of sticking it up to racists would have quit the classes and just spent time at home. Yet I was not going to let anything go to waste and really much not going to let people narrate history this time over. I would not appease any image they had or any image they would know. Play daft and then strike where and when in the future -they would not be able to refute anything if not remember anything of what they did.
33
Oft if you can forget the shootings, the deaths, the history of criminal evil against many people of the earth and just how bad "white dignity" or "dignity"( for those who have color and want to play along) is behind these fronts-you probably can forget what role you try to assign to a random stranger on their skin and appearance alone. It would be quite fitting if the work of any of mine would become an anthem for what you truly don't believe but just use as a shield to continue a racist affront to the continuation of society.
34
When I went into the music building-there was solace of what society was to be and people there were civil from what I experienced. It was an Oasis away from harm and as if what I experienced from prior 2017 was never there. And there I realized it was just the people I was around, true and true.
35
I gave these people the benefit of the doubt. I did not shout when I should have at them," you are racist". I gave them nothing to bide on to say that I was in the wrong if I was to say they were racist to the school itself or report the teachers for unprofessional behavior and bad course instruction and just in one class-bad history anyone who has taken any history class to know of America's history would know is fiercely incorrect. I gave them a benefit of the doubt. That broke when I felt I reentered society.
36
The Performing Arts building might as well be a place for self hating people and bigots of the shearing hair kind. Really enough that place prior was never a good place to even be and in this time, it was not again but worse. It seemed as I walked through a place, some bigot or some self hating person would be waiting to glare at me and I would look back at them and wonder what was wrong with them utter than being racist. Some were fat and nothing to look at and some people thought they were a hot topic yet still shopped there.
37
On the walk I would circle around the retention pond at these hopeful students getting out of their cars and could not help but realized them entitled, child like and brat like but I really did not know them. But I just knew these people from their cars inhibited by them being the product of entitlement and entitlement served so wastefully towards this community college were just the problem I faced in the three classes I took that semester.
38
Seeing is believing when you see these people basically believe they have only one way to be and could have only done one thing as if coming to this mediocre community college on a historically white side of town was their privilege if not ability to complete. Utterly, these people never challenged theirselves and if you would later ask any of these people a word a person should have learned in 9th grade and be quizzed on it-they did not know.
39
So caught up in this pathetic choice of living life and perceiving opportunity and choosing to crawl on the floor is what I can equate their decisions to never apply their selves as where people of color never have such opportunities and literally have to scale up places and leap towards them with balls into hoops. And even that is never enough to ever be at the same space of opportunity these lavish youths would pass up getting out their cars with disposable income to buy their drinks and food for during and after class.
40
I would walk around the retention pond and return to the back space where I would await a call to come to the front of the school so I could leave the cursed place. I would either go back the way I came or I would cut through behind the art building to get back to the green desks I where at as if a shortcut optional to the first return path. I would cut through a large section you were never supposed to go to if you were a student but I went anywhere because fuck that school for taking money from me and my family and then treating me the equivalent of shit or even consider being or doing so in the era of 2017! I would cut through there and walk right back to the desks. There to be said if you kept going then from the desks straight onward and turned left and kept walking a long distance-you would get to the front of the school and unlike most paths that I would take to get the front you would never meet any much people.
41
No people to fight and no people to conflict with and so really I was not that afraid of revealing my fierce distaste for the racism and the culture of racism in this place that many times I just would pass through the common areas and even buildings and even the performing arts building and even the science building and then a large patch of grass and then a valley of sorts that lead to a bridge at the front. I would either go to the valley of sorts or into the main building which would be swarming with people of animosity and such animosity would never end until I ended staying any education at that place.
42
When I would wait I would either stand outside or sit inside and when my folks pulled up-no one would hear about the adventure of the day. They would ask me, " did you have a good day? what did you do today?"
43
I could only hear the screams of my own tears I held back from this adverse place and these days seemed to continue on and on and on for years and years and years only in my memory and by May-by the tenth of that month-I was freed.
44
I was left with two bad grades on my record but they were already bad before and nothing was different in this regard. The web design class I took, I managed either a B or C. Whatever it was, it really was not enough to make up for what had should have been. I have been shoved out of a class. Forced out of a class by toxic situations. Mocked by people and blamed by pure strangers for only one reason alone-the color of my skin. They knew nothing else but to blame skin and never to consider the danger of bothering people you else don't know but think you can imprison in a "losing issue" or a thing that will " always be a clear victory for you", especially when you don't know who they are or the content of their character. Just assume it will be degenerate and at most a trifle you can have free range to do anything with.I was mocked by people who did not realize that I had achieved a victory of standing up to them and that forever whilst I cried in the suffering- I would always have a story that would live on to tell of their bothersome legacy.
45
Its no surprise that after this semester, I just wanted to wall it all off and whilst remembered it- did not ever want to live it again. Recognize that your history of cowboys and indians is a racial myth and a story that it is only so you can be the hero whilst never acknowledging the people who suffered horribly and died horrible deaths. I do say that no one wants to repeat either a history of being terrorized, killed and worse all the while to a place that is not home. People don't want to repeatedly fight for their rights to even live in peace. No one wants to ever relive the terror that ever happened and thus no one wants to tolerate even the notion of the privilege of people who love the terror that caused great wrongs in the past and evidently the future of those acts. There has been no redemption for people who rather assume their history is right when so many people can never find their history and never realize their native american connections because it has been lost to the wind and all the enrichment of being apart of that culture that is a part of their identity can never innately be as your history is for you to chuck at other people and think you are superior than them.
46
My Trail of Tears however, not to be disrespectful to those who made the real venture was just to begin and I would have to carry the weight of what ever happened to get me running for my safety away from people for a very long time and even still so today. Whilst willful aggressors get to say they are innocent and their history and their Columbus statues if not confederate flag are American. Its disgusting to even think such a history of hatred is even American.
47
I came to realize from what I experienced in that spring 2017, there is only one type of America and it is long put away in not so neat places and horrors to every brim of a devil's mind.
48
Fuck you and your cowboys.
The time of these walks around the campus were just not for show but a remembrance of a past struggle and a treacherous journey. Two meanings I gave them for my most inherent cultures to my mother's side. Reminded me of having to go back to a time of racial cruelty of such novelty justification of antichrist endeavors. Reminded me of then a time where people fought for their rights in the marches in the 1960s. I felt as if I was standing up for who I was and that really was not going to just take a bullet of blame and be pitted as a dog for people and their histories of oppressors and people who enabled oppressors. I was not going to be what they wanted. I played the game far in square as much as unfair the game was. I did not truly invest in the hard damages the reveal of their culture in these class rooms could reveal. No, I fought against the grain. Refusing to go to these classes was like refusing to be pitted into a trap where any sane person would realize they would die under the strain to be a lesser person and individual for letting people disrespect them and hit them around with words and their history of "superiority". For people who truly had all the knowledge to gain from their ancestors, they were not smart to any degree but a novelty of hatred that bars any form of intelligence or mental grace. Just without the humanity of a culture that respects anything of good blessings. Hatred and stupidity were all the legacy of these people. There is no point in even noting how one directional these people were truly to not realize that people were people and not phenomenon of "mixed cultures" but of worlds they could never imagine and ones not so far away from them. When I walked around I saw so much hate and really enough people never recognized what and which harm I was in and if they cared-they just thought it was a " just reality".
The other reason to say in which I walked was to distance myself and the trap of having to waste anytime or energy on people where it was not necessary nor would be profitable. I could have told my parents, I could have dropped the classes and never looked back and I could have just gone to one class that semester but nothing would have been better. It would have been worse. Those racist people would still be out there unchallenged and people who were like me and worse so like me as well would never get the else attention from anyone else to solve any issue or be of a challenge to a racist norority. No, I saw things through to the end as much as person can be safe and regard their own life. I saw everything to write it down to tell my story and the following few lines are just that story.
1
Could not bind my nerves today to go in and play the chained up man game. Stuck to a chair, the people unawares to wrong and the teacher singing their political song. I never get it wrong. I never "violently act" but I do hold back when the people do need a smack for a whisper or a hot breath on the back of my neck.
2
One day in that class of a face so eagle like and sharp in its history and its convictions, I could no longer be apart of this class to play as the fool for these people when all I did was just sit and listen. All they could do was listen to their inward hatred and the very bitter notions of it.
3
The betrayal did not sting at all but I was amazed that people would do it at all. I should speak up? Just like people do today and just become an image where people ease around them like a boat does to pass around jagged rocks. Nope, I was not going to do them that pleasure. They wanted to poke and prod, let them do it. I was not going to move in my conviction to not even have to speak for what was wrong.
4
The thing of what was wrong should have been common sense and common culture of something to never do but in the beginning of the future of 2017, this was something people thought they were guaranteed to do. So sensationalized and so right to have safe spaces when they would go home and even make the school and extension of these places to embrace a racist history.
5
I though however was tired eventually of standing firm and saying nothing while people blazed their arrows at me for their haunty convictions, the same convictions that sent people on a Trails of Tears and albeit conversely into being forced-sent other people into marches for their freedom. The big thing is that they-these people only represented a history of forcing people into a place where they did not want to go or forcing people to fight for their rights to even live life.
6
Would realize for all this nonsense, I could not recover the plan for that semester when I did not even have a fair chance at these classes. I continued fighting onward to some goal anyone would assume hopeless with people of such entitled convictions. But I would not let them think they had a victory.
7
O, I held firm and well some days a person refused to go in because it all made you sick and just angry and if not never had anyone to speak to even understand what you were going through. It was just you alone in the wilds with people out to get you. Noticeable people they were not but thought they were.
8
The teacher dared glare at me with eyes of steel as if pegged on by imaginary voices. I was not the one to depict any idealism of sympathy with such a person but this individual who was the teacher kept pausing every so forth as if to why he was stuttering was because I sat in front of the room. He could not be calm and really much was a nuisance. Eventually had to face my head down to the desk and even then eventually as the turn of march in these 1 hour and 30 minute classes I would feel as being blamed for ruining a perfect scene with all the dullards of a hatred conviction and those who sough it. Surely the students who vyed for an ideal legacy of power in hatred dared step up to the plate.
9
The person behind me. The person beside me. All young women but somewhat entitled to their dignity of hatred-few young men would sigh and someone girl behind me had the audacity to say, " why is he even here?" It was just one time but all I needed enough to just boycott this government class.
10
I hardly there came to class for the remainder of the term albeit tests and just one class a week just to show my face and that I still was there. It is just that people in 2010s later do not want to live in the 1960s or willing go to a place they will be harassed when and where they don't have to be.
11
Things were so nice on testing days. No one had an issue then if the teacher was not in the front of the room and it was not apparent to them in their limited cognitive realities that I existed when they focused solely on their tests. As if I was not sitting in the front or the aside of them.
12
These people were the creeps of course. Anytime in which they could voice the direction of "degradation" they claimed was advancement-they glared at you as if you were fucked up for even existing but really enough showed how much they loved just a whitecentric view of everything. How they viewed their lives just a continuation of hatred and no one could be but what their ancestors had envisioned them to be-less than human.
13
Every day I would come to that government class would be taking punches all the while and really much when people say to you behind you even," why are you here?" Then refuse to say anything more realizing their internalized fear for your "violence"-they fail to notice that you could have be violent not because of a racist depiction but because you were a person called out for no reason and just to build many persons in the class up in their ideal legacy of discrimination. These punches especially the one even trying to remove you from existence or even being in existence any natural way-were very low and disgusting punches. It took all my fortitude to resist saying anything at all. I just let them fear the solitude of talking to a rock and that is what I was in these days I would go to the classes.
14
I always would have to chill out after these classes and started counting down to the ending and really much the ending would be brutally brutal. I had been blocked from my goals to get any education in not only the government class but the history class.
15
There in that history class was something rotten and something very disgusting. An individual who revered the history of hate so much that he wanted to build up a history of hate just for Mexicans alone to hate everyone else. Rewrote history so many times that all the class was-was nonsense.
16
In both places education was barred because of racist damnation and that same damnation forced me to move and often move on walking around campus because I could not be not harassed or even enter the class just when it came to history. Because an otherly fictionalized version of history requires such a hefty reservation a person cannot even get in when they came just a minute behind everyone else and by anyone's watch were not late and had a minute to spare.
17
Days were worse in that history class that I could not even get in to be tortured like the government class. Days were so bad that I could not get in that class at all just to be harassed and there likely enough the teacher was openly more vocal on his discrimination.Never gave people spare his favorite "girl" student the time to participate and well on the day of the finals nearly had a paper ripped so hard out of my fingers that I nearly got a papercut. The expression on this guy's face was just one of self loathing and looking at me as if I weighed him down and as if I was not a person worth teaching but anyone who was white was. Because these people probably were all the people he needed to please and prove anything to. I later took a class on the same subject one year later in a better and non racist circumstance. Never once where the true issues of blacks even mentioned and well-civil rights was just as well skipped in the class for a long extension on a period of time where cowboys were kings and natives of america were just the enemies.
18
He would describe how bad the natives were. That they scalped the heads of the people they killed. How they were so violent and so angry and all the stereotypical racist troupes you occasionally hear in a history class on that expansion period in American history as if to justify the massacre of them. Loved to hear all the beckonings of the proud white students as if they were learning anything but just how "criminals would be on the run and then shot down dead as they deserved". No great emphasis on culture. No great emphasis on the people being as a culture really removed from their homes into reservations but just a novelty of acceptance of "this is the way things should be to have the great society of America that is today". Such a children gradeschool lie was passed on by this professor at this community college and really it was a miseducation.
19
Everything this mexican man said was fueled with vitriol and fake concern for the native people and really much never brought them up again after they were put in the reformation schools as if they did not have a future. Maybe he thought we was enlightening people by posing heavy emphasis on horrible details but clinically left out all the parts in which the people truly were. He just brought up the culture items everytime something bad was to threaten them.
20
The Buffalo being hunted to extinction only to introduce the expansion.
21
The cutting of hair at the Christianity conversion schools only to note the transference of people into Christianity.
22
The Ghost dance only to signal that the natives time as a widespread people was "finally over" and now you people can go home and just continue enjoying land gained from their deaths.
23
Never have I ever felt so uncomfortable in this Mexican man trying to appease the would be white narrative and maybe some white people in the class weren't racist and clearly enough did not buy the whole class.
24
In short that class was a mess and just went everywhere. It directly went into World War 2 after a brief notion of what happened after America was coast to coast so to speak. It literally only had one day on the civil rights movement or something convenient of the many tangents of this one teacher would come up to bar the notion of ever getting too far into the topic because you got to keep the racists happy! Or so he thought. People just really were confused as much as I was least the one person that was his student pet and really much-they would follow all the contexts of misinformation in this one class and thought they knew history theirselves when they really did not.
25
No one could know history, I realized and history played out for me in that room and the other classes I would take to quiet an insufferable degree. Eventually having to skim into the room to even get inside later on and many days just walked around the campus until one of my parents would come to pick me up that day and I would never tell them how I was barred from the class room for coming just a minute early.
26
Oh, it was sad. Nothing compared to the trail of tears. But I recognized that I did share heritage with native peoples and it was like I was forced to keep running from something or be terrorized or glared at or just upright bothered.
27
I would always sit in the back of this community college nearest the woods, there were benches and tables but it was pretty forlorn. Across the tennis court, people played and whilst people came out from their classes- I never saw anyone from the classes I should have been in come out from to this long distance place from where the class was located and frankly go to their cars they could have parked on that long distance side. Such privilege it was that many of these people had "their own cars" in the sense that they could borrow their parents cars and basically call it their own car and feign independence so roughly it was absurd. Some people and just many people of color will just have to wait to buy their own cars to drive anywhere and then get terrorized and even murdered for going out I pondered. To me just in the thought of being stopped and frisked and life threatened-it was a blessing that I did not have a car. That I did not have any sort of thing to be a fool around or in.
28
I say that I traveled a long distance from that class of government or history to get to the other side of the campus where it would be the most quiet and the people would not be hostile to any nature or notion but indifference and if caring-did not care enough.
29
I would sit at a desk and draw about the someday where life would be better and where and when things would be better racially in America but I really noted that this whole skipping class out of coercion and fear was really just the top of the iceberg. People were never held accountable for their beliefs or ways of life that were evil and toxic. But the culture and ways of life of people of color were treated as trash especially when they weren't a rapper or footballer to be controlled or be a friend with.
30
I drew at this desk and I dreamed at it. It became my office of sorts and it was other doors and cars zoomed by and I could see people looking me in their vehicles as they passed. Only they realized something was wrong with me being there and not in class. The same trucks, the same cars and the same vehicles passed everyday and maybe they had been taking this road for a very long time. The trucks would all come at the same time and maybe they noticed many students never sat out there much at all and that the place was usually abandoned.
31
Eventually some times too many people would come out and be out in that area and they were nothing more than the sheltered from race issues but racist graphic design students and teachers. They all lived in that one fucking building up ahead the tables. I would walk around a bend of a large incline of grass and dirt and trees that would be difficult to navigate if you did not arch your legs another way. I eventually came to another parking lot where there was a retention pond near a music building and a Performing Arts or Theater building.
32
I knew I was not going to complete " educational goals" of either history or government but I certainly was not going to win or go anywhere wasting my time with the bigotry found on and in the classes if not the constant attacks on me. To be upfront neither class was an admirable one to be in and anyone sane past some convictions of sticking it up to racists would have quit the classes and just spent time at home. Yet I was not going to let anything go to waste and really much not going to let people narrate history this time over. I would not appease any image they had or any image they would know. Play daft and then strike where and when in the future -they would not be able to refute anything if not remember anything of what they did.
33
Oft if you can forget the shootings, the deaths, the history of criminal evil against many people of the earth and just how bad "white dignity" or "dignity"( for those who have color and want to play along) is behind these fronts-you probably can forget what role you try to assign to a random stranger on their skin and appearance alone. It would be quite fitting if the work of any of mine would become an anthem for what you truly don't believe but just use as a shield to continue a racist affront to the continuation of society.
34
When I went into the music building-there was solace of what society was to be and people there were civil from what I experienced. It was an Oasis away from harm and as if what I experienced from prior 2017 was never there. And there I realized it was just the people I was around, true and true.
35
I gave these people the benefit of the doubt. I did not shout when I should have at them," you are racist". I gave them nothing to bide on to say that I was in the wrong if I was to say they were racist to the school itself or report the teachers for unprofessional behavior and bad course instruction and just in one class-bad history anyone who has taken any history class to know of America's history would know is fiercely incorrect. I gave them a benefit of the doubt. That broke when I felt I reentered society.
36
The Performing Arts building might as well be a place for self hating people and bigots of the shearing hair kind. Really enough that place prior was never a good place to even be and in this time, it was not again but worse. It seemed as I walked through a place, some bigot or some self hating person would be waiting to glare at me and I would look back at them and wonder what was wrong with them utter than being racist. Some were fat and nothing to look at and some people thought they were a hot topic yet still shopped there.
37
On the walk I would circle around the retention pond at these hopeful students getting out of their cars and could not help but realized them entitled, child like and brat like but I really did not know them. But I just knew these people from their cars inhibited by them being the product of entitlement and entitlement served so wastefully towards this community college were just the problem I faced in the three classes I took that semester.
38
Seeing is believing when you see these people basically believe they have only one way to be and could have only done one thing as if coming to this mediocre community college on a historically white side of town was their privilege if not ability to complete. Utterly, these people never challenged theirselves and if you would later ask any of these people a word a person should have learned in 9th grade and be quizzed on it-they did not know.
39
So caught up in this pathetic choice of living life and perceiving opportunity and choosing to crawl on the floor is what I can equate their decisions to never apply their selves as where people of color never have such opportunities and literally have to scale up places and leap towards them with balls into hoops. And even that is never enough to ever be at the same space of opportunity these lavish youths would pass up getting out their cars with disposable income to buy their drinks and food for during and after class.
40
I would walk around the retention pond and return to the back space where I would await a call to come to the front of the school so I could leave the cursed place. I would either go back the way I came or I would cut through behind the art building to get back to the green desks I where at as if a shortcut optional to the first return path. I would cut through a large section you were never supposed to go to if you were a student but I went anywhere because fuck that school for taking money from me and my family and then treating me the equivalent of shit or even consider being or doing so in the era of 2017! I would cut through there and walk right back to the desks. There to be said if you kept going then from the desks straight onward and turned left and kept walking a long distance-you would get to the front of the school and unlike most paths that I would take to get the front you would never meet any much people.
41
No people to fight and no people to conflict with and so really I was not that afraid of revealing my fierce distaste for the racism and the culture of racism in this place that many times I just would pass through the common areas and even buildings and even the performing arts building and even the science building and then a large patch of grass and then a valley of sorts that lead to a bridge at the front. I would either go to the valley of sorts or into the main building which would be swarming with people of animosity and such animosity would never end until I ended staying any education at that place.
42
When I would wait I would either stand outside or sit inside and when my folks pulled up-no one would hear about the adventure of the day. They would ask me, " did you have a good day? what did you do today?"
43
I could only hear the screams of my own tears I held back from this adverse place and these days seemed to continue on and on and on for years and years and years only in my memory and by May-by the tenth of that month-I was freed.
44
I was left with two bad grades on my record but they were already bad before and nothing was different in this regard. The web design class I took, I managed either a B or C. Whatever it was, it really was not enough to make up for what had should have been. I have been shoved out of a class. Forced out of a class by toxic situations. Mocked by people and blamed by pure strangers for only one reason alone-the color of my skin. They knew nothing else but to blame skin and never to consider the danger of bothering people you else don't know but think you can imprison in a "losing issue" or a thing that will " always be a clear victory for you", especially when you don't know who they are or the content of their character. Just assume it will be degenerate and at most a trifle you can have free range to do anything with.I was mocked by people who did not realize that I had achieved a victory of standing up to them and that forever whilst I cried in the suffering- I would always have a story that would live on to tell of their bothersome legacy.
45
Its no surprise that after this semester, I just wanted to wall it all off and whilst remembered it- did not ever want to live it again. Recognize that your history of cowboys and indians is a racial myth and a story that it is only so you can be the hero whilst never acknowledging the people who suffered horribly and died horrible deaths. I do say that no one wants to repeat either a history of being terrorized, killed and worse all the while to a place that is not home. People don't want to repeatedly fight for their rights to even live in peace. No one wants to ever relive the terror that ever happened and thus no one wants to tolerate even the notion of the privilege of people who love the terror that caused great wrongs in the past and evidently the future of those acts. There has been no redemption for people who rather assume their history is right when so many people can never find their history and never realize their native american connections because it has been lost to the wind and all the enrichment of being apart of that culture that is a part of their identity can never innately be as your history is for you to chuck at other people and think you are superior than them.
46
My Trail of Tears however, not to be disrespectful to those who made the real venture was just to begin and I would have to carry the weight of what ever happened to get me running for my safety away from people for a very long time and even still so today. Whilst willful aggressors get to say they are innocent and their history and their Columbus statues if not confederate flag are American. Its disgusting to even think such a history of hatred is even American.
47
I came to realize from what I experienced in that spring 2017, there is only one type of America and it is long put away in not so neat places and horrors to every brim of a devil's mind.
48
Fuck you and your cowboys.
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