The truth.

        Really not one person I think can relate to what trauma a person has had to go on and go through. There have been so real dark places off the beaten path and it gets really bad when you have to be responsible for your own quality life to where you have to control people's perceptions of you so they don't make your life hard. You got to make the real hard decisions to realize you cannot be afforded any of the things other people are. I will tell you the worst decision of mine was to waste time even trying to talk to women in college at all. No one really gave a fuck about me but some imaginary pseudo fucking me that is never real. 

     A person to hate and person to love. They had no business doing either. No one knew me and no one knows my goal. A person does not speak about love enough but true love and intimacy is respecting people for who they are and their true goals. This is to be said if maybe you make plans for people without knowing their goals, you likely aren't going to be an ally. There is no corner of the world where people are even trying to do whatever I am doing. There is none. There is no support group. There is none. Everything is just taken on and done by the self. I am to say that you really just don't win in the social department when many people aren't that civil, spiritually good as in religious as they claim they are,  and even smart enough to be bothered with. The women to this day and I mean this very day seem to think of me as just this floating opportunity that will always be open. That will always welcome them with open arms and a possible chance for wait for it, " free fucking sex" as if I am some people's whore or some shit. That's how some people try to treat me. As if I would even actually sleep with them in the first place and then level a weapon at when I will definitely not do it. But yet a person will never be like the beginning of your "destined college venture" where everything was an open book and the first impressions yet to be made. Yet people made the shots and they would keep making them to my character and my life never caring about what they did would hurt me or anyone. Then want to come up one day as if it just the beginning of when I even came across them. A person will never be 18 years old again. That time is over and no, if you did something to truly try to rip people away from their goals, fuck with them and just make hard for them-no; no one is going to tolerate you. I am to say there are so many people I don't even want to be associated with.

   I am not bending to pleasing these people and their type just by continuing to be a gentlemen to these pieces of trash who just lurk about, stalk about and plan about without your consent and just are after you. Never understanding who you are. I mean to some I might be some great engima of a belief that I am "bad" or " something good" but none of these ideas are true, I am just me. No one else and certainly I do say that I will not settle down in being against these people who are against me.

   There have been times I have been waiting on people , waiting for the world to give a chance to love someone but all I get is the middle finger or " you be the bigger person". I am tired of that shit and all the culture and institutions that create these scenarios. I am to say that a person just is plenty adverse to anyone is just a waste of time and honestly just out to mess with you. I don't think anyone would want to be through the tons of painful disappointments which are just like the fiery crash downs of racing cars that have collided or crash and turned over just to catch on flames. 

   The perspective of the online viewer might think of this just as another site but its not. It has been my tool against oppression and ultimately only recently in the last three years have I even been vocal about the real personal sides of things. I ultimately am to say this site is not a commodity to consume as many sites are made to be today where they feature art and whatever. I notice people may have different goals in life and art but really;these notions are not of any real concern to how I do anything or what I aim to do. The internet to me is just a tool, its not something that has brainwashed me to tell me what to think and what to do. I don't listen to influencers. I do not do any of that crap. Everything is just me and that is how things should be. To the viewers I would say that if you were hoping for some generic stuff where people just make up shit about their lives to be more appealing to the masses then I would be lying to you. Nothing about anything that has occurred in the process of writing on this site has been conventional or ideal but just trauma- filled and terrorized. 

  I can not tell you how many times there has been some really great disappointment. I tried to write the efforts and ties work this week but I realize too much had happened for me to write things down in such a manner of "by the way". I looked at a youtube video today and maybe some from a youtuber ( and no this does not mean I was influenced by an influencer as they directed no opinion but was rather influenced by a story from a storyteller who could be an influencer) and greatly realized so many things. The guy had been through some stuff but yet truly I realized how deeply disconnected from any of these logical ideals that people come to expect in in. Alas shoed away and just not treated well and did I even deserve any of that shit? No, I never deserved. I just walked along and just be swamped by people with problems.

    I think back to all the stuff I had to do in summer 2016 and it was never good enough to even be successful because yes, was aiming to be with bat shit people which clouded and muddied things. Throughout all the stuff I was working on and the thoughts on how to make comics better and faster and just many of them just had one person on my mind. And this person would literally try to off me time and time again. A person is just supposed to forget the wrongs against them many think. I just never bring up the very deep details of things because people generally do not need to know and I don't want to scare people off but things being as they are-yes, a person just feels more enlightened to talk about these things. I would say however that I don't care what people think or whatever they think they are about and try to disrespect me and my works. At the end of the day it matters what I think about things and whilst some people just show no support whatever even though they want to look at you like a " first person opportunity to relive the first day of college again". Its sick and I really much I got something for that. The fucking truth and so you will hear it!