Wednesday 26

    Looking back, these weeks were long and really much in writing these things some pacing is necessary. One should never rush them and yea maybe a person should reflect on what they wrote earlier. Yes, truly I don't have to tell you that people don't write diary entries on their blog unless they really have to record some things. I wish I opted for that format but yet I did not in fall 2016 at any time but in the drafts and on this site called penzu. There is some interesting stuff to be said on the 31st because I actually wrote about the day in that time period.

    These weeks were long and so where the days. Pretty much alot of things happened in these days and well pretty much that can be said in regards of the creative stuff. I think it needs to be said that a person was all alone here. People were trying to drag you to hell and basically peep you out of existence and bombard you with propaganda of their hate. There were no allies. No one was on my side. No one wanted what I wanted which was simply to make comics and not engage in a state of terrorism upon others like some fellow students and past fellow students, okay. Really much could not get the aggressors off my back. It was a brutal time and frankly, if anyone got rekt later it is because they deserved it and they had it coming. They weren't innocent people and frankly people paint non reality images of people who deep down are shitty people. So pastor who got outed in the church for a time for having a love child and refusing to admit that and distance yourself from the mother and child-hmm, you had it coming.

     I literally have to say so many women made their faces at me, you could not but lose track of these aggressors. Like why, did anyone say they were actually interested in them? Your behavior just makes people think you are interested but really take such a narcissistic bent that no one could take them seriously. Just at the end of this day which I started with Interactive Media where I would continue to be pestered by the girls at the back with hostile looks and yet tried to find some conversation with the green haired girl to no avail and then did a bunch of drafting of projects( Titan Andy, Desken Warden and more projects of the sort) moving around the campus and else worked on Dessacrow Academy then to go to the art class where I stayed in agony listening to these people breathe and talk their yap and their crap; to blissfully walk around again the school to find things to place in Dessacrow Academy (in the classroom building A) to return to this black women just peeping from out a corner a great disapproval of me. Yes, a person literally lives to be your person that you place all your blame and failures on for the day. I wrote that long sentence to say that a person does not live for such a thing. To say that there would always be this one black women in her later 20s or she could have been in her 30s or even older always would be there coming from the indoctrination machine of the art class and just smugly expressed her discontent. 

     The behavior of this woman irked me to no end. I mean, there is a way about going about things and its truly not just pissing off any random dude by making a gesture that says, " I am interested in you but really I am angry at the fact that I am". It was not my responsibility to ease the notions of this woman. I did not like the person and honestly a person would be wary of black women in general. To be said it would not be racist for me to say that I don't particularly like black women when really everyone who is not a family member just looks down on me as if I signed up to be their spouse or some shit. It just never works well.  People would rather try to equate that I am racial inferior when we would be of the same race and same group of people. Some people rather just distance theirselves from ever even seeing you as but an obstacle or trouble. I am to say that a person has had experiences with black girls and women from highschool to college to that point that really doesn't make a person very conductive to actually liking such people who aren't related to you and most importantly in any romantic capacity. I am to say that there would be some short chances but really you would not be paying attention to race then. It is that these people make you realize race and try to say you are inferior. In that regard they are no better than the behavior of racist white women. I am to say that one will never make me feel so safe like some stranger black woman who is always trying to pull a move to place blame on you for simply existing. That is a person would just be sitting somewhere else just some days earlier or in this span of time, some black individual would just clutch their white boyfriend as if you were a threat for even existing or just being out there in the public. That is to be said in the real world folks just because people are the same race does not make them friends or even allies. Surely, a person does not like being preyed upon people who have their own internalized issues to work out but is that my responsibility? Fuck no, its not and frankly I don't know who would like be, "oh, you like me in some begrudging way; let's try to make it work". No, fuck no. 

    In my personal opinion, people who promote this same race relationship shit as if its the golden standard are ultimately just bigots so closed minded they are lucky to find someone as stupid as them not to notice the amount of hatred in their so called communities. A person would be better crawling in a bed with a kkk woman than just settling for some person who hates your guts much more than a racist white person could. That is to be said there was to be no black affinity at this campus. Like I can only name one person or two that were black or half black that I even got along with or had no bad streak with out right. I mean the girl who was at the Octoberfest possibly was half black and so was this other person I saw when I was still trying to get things accomplished with Mind Games at the end of August/beginning of September. The one wearing the cap. I mean; a person only realizes these are your own allies in the whole bullshit that is "everyone of one race is together". And really much were you looking for them to be a race? No, that is just what they were. Yet how do you even come to be thinking about these things-being in a bad situation foremost, having a long day and then some person who should "understand your experience" just being an aggressor. Oh, yea the people who look for people of the same race probably just dumb theirselves down to not realize the real world of things that no race is one fucking thing or just one people truly. I would say that modern people don't realize that if you live in America or any country across the world; whoever is in that country are your people. It used to be in the past-different groups of people lived together and could be distinguished solely by their skin color but the world has largely changed since slavery, colonialism and imperialism. There are racial groups today that did not exist in the past. Ultimately what I am saying is that people who use the word "communities" just want control of people they really don't know just on the basis of their race. The real thing is that people live in groups with other people of different shades and should realize this people are just their people if you are going to embrace this whole "society based on skin color "shit.  I am just to say this woman was like the crow at walmart. Someone you did not want to see but appeared anyway just to remind you the complexities of race and just how people shunned you and told you-you did not belong even when of your own race. Again just because a person is a skin color does not mean they have your best interests in mind. That is just the brainwashing a racist system gives you.  Human society across all the races has just been groups of people fighting other groups of people until borders formed so that they would fight less but then harder.  Believe what you want to believe but there was the intensity of these thoughts in my head before I clenched my fist and refused to yell at this woman, " what the fuck are you looking at?" 

     I am just to say that a person had to not escalate things and just people go about their own way of self destruction with their antagonistic demeanor. Yea, folks, I mean, you could do some magic not to look angry at a person you don't know much everyday you see them but maybe don't look at them at all, turn away or go somewhere else. Some people just don't want any trouble in their lives yet apparently this person just wanted to escalate things.

    I would go home, it started to get dark around this period of time. Really it did. Just not quicker but just how dark things could get. I tried to forget the woman who was bugging me as I went home but yea, one could not but stop to be more pushed to the fringes of insanity by them.  I made coffee all the same and decided to draw the second image for the Neoethic style. I would stay up later to color it but of course I took a picture of it. Earlier when I made the revamp of the Neoethic first image's original, I could have just done this image as well then but what about the story? I could make the image a print today but really I am thinking; why should I?

    I don't think people will appreciate the austere rareness of its creative energy. The image in question I took a picture of the lined paper drawing because I knew I was not going to like the final drawing and so I left an opportunity to draw it again and so that is probably what I am going to do but in a way to actually make sure the artwork is taken seriously and just not some cheap little thing to toss to the way side. The work technically was apart of the style I called Neoind which is somewhat an offshoot of Neoethic and supposed to have a certain theme.