My friend I let down.
Much to be said the worst disappointment in my life happens in psychology class. On the first day I talk to this girl who is a second year student. She is very friendly and is like actually willing to speak to me. However I never really get to speak to her in class because the teacher really in short to say scares the living fuck out of me and I am not fitting to play with her whole classroom set up on how things are done nor challenge her authority and just stick it low at this table for "misfits". Could be said low achieving persons or to me at least they were normal. All the other people were so sunny and so positive and so courageous and so "cultured"; I wondered if they bled at all or just smiled all the fucking time. Or lived in some happy elist surburia or believed theirselves lesser to serve a better society or somewhat in this society because they had served military.
The girl I say I let down is because I just let her fall into the arms of said picked negro of the class who was very favored with the teacher and was in the military. I bet what the teacher really wanted to say, " the only good negro male is one in the military". She would call me a female and there was this other black girl there (I make a joke here; more like a mentally instable brat) who make it her duty to be an absolute fool in class and make her problems known if all black people suffered the retarded faith she did. She would continue to call me a girl no matter how much it actually dawns on you, I have a pair of balls and not the other said variety. I was actually scared to say I was a male, who knows how much this women hated black men who were not representative to serve the country and prove they were not a threat. I shut the fuck up because I was not going to risk my ass- I took my time going up them damned stairs because I swear someone could kill theirselves if they just jumped over the railing ( and I think that someone did and it was a tragedy yet no one said shit). And I was much dizzy walking up them damned steps. It was like once you got in you had to continue rising in air pressure as if in a fucking flighter plane until you reached the 6Gs and could not take it anymore.
I found myself inexperienced in how to say anything in this class, where the teacher annoyed and frightened the fuck out of me. This guy of the military spoke and spoke to the girl I liked, leaving most of us misfits out of the damned picture unless we were bold enough to say anything at all. I really tried to get there ever day earlier but I really could not take that guy and his talks to the girl.
I could not take those people and their smiling faces. I could not take that self disrespecting girl.
I could not take the teacher and could not take the stairs. I could only not study? Before and just wait at that building forever until class begun? I was not that pious to do such a retarded thing when I thought I made a friend, I did. I enjoyed talking to her during class assignments when I was sure to at least say something as I was permitted from the read of the room to speak. Though I started to realize that the military guy in his talks with the teacher was just overtly over powering everyone at the table and started to act like secret golden boy and always being able to speak to my friend. As if he was given golden ace in the atmosphere of this room to act in such a manner. I find that I hated the dude yet pretended friend. I realized that perhaps I did like my friend and tried ever so more to get to class early but them stairs. And I to say, was much younger than this guy and he had more resolve to speak by character and I could not just compete and blab along all damned day.
The friend of mine noticed nothing really and thought what we at first had at all thought; we were all friends in this together. I wanted to reach her but between class assignments and the utter social threat of the class and the teacher always calling me a woman; I just could not. I was like I was drowning in this comforting things of society that melted because people could strip them away.
It did not dawn on the others what had happened until the end of the semester. And on the very last day; said girl realized the actual culture and like a coward I never told her my feelings...but in a sense it was only so that she would not be inflicted harm. I seriously trusted that teacher was anything good and like a trail of a dark mood stemmed from her and she seemed more a threat than a teacher.
Yet in that environment and that moment I could not say anything at all. And that was my defeat but also why I could not take that place any of it serious after that. That is not even included in the original graphic novel. But I let my friend down and saw the hurt on her face just out of my eye and cowered like a fool...
The girl I say I let down is because I just let her fall into the arms of said picked negro of the class who was very favored with the teacher and was in the military. I bet what the teacher really wanted to say, " the only good negro male is one in the military". She would call me a female and there was this other black girl there (I make a joke here; more like a mentally instable brat) who make it her duty to be an absolute fool in class and make her problems known if all black people suffered the retarded faith she did. She would continue to call me a girl no matter how much it actually dawns on you, I have a pair of balls and not the other said variety. I was actually scared to say I was a male, who knows how much this women hated black men who were not representative to serve the country and prove they were not a threat. I shut the fuck up because I was not going to risk my ass- I took my time going up them damned stairs because I swear someone could kill theirselves if they just jumped over the railing ( and I think that someone did and it was a tragedy yet no one said shit). And I was much dizzy walking up them damned steps. It was like once you got in you had to continue rising in air pressure as if in a fucking flighter plane until you reached the 6Gs and could not take it anymore.
I found myself inexperienced in how to say anything in this class, where the teacher annoyed and frightened the fuck out of me. This guy of the military spoke and spoke to the girl I liked, leaving most of us misfits out of the damned picture unless we were bold enough to say anything at all. I really tried to get there ever day earlier but I really could not take that guy and his talks to the girl.
I could not take those people and their smiling faces. I could not take that self disrespecting girl.
I could not take the teacher and could not take the stairs. I could only not study? Before and just wait at that building forever until class begun? I was not that pious to do such a retarded thing when I thought I made a friend, I did. I enjoyed talking to her during class assignments when I was sure to at least say something as I was permitted from the read of the room to speak. Though I started to realize that the military guy in his talks with the teacher was just overtly over powering everyone at the table and started to act like secret golden boy and always being able to speak to my friend. As if he was given golden ace in the atmosphere of this room to act in such a manner. I find that I hated the dude yet pretended friend. I realized that perhaps I did like my friend and tried ever so more to get to class early but them stairs. And I to say, was much younger than this guy and he had more resolve to speak by character and I could not just compete and blab along all damned day.
The friend of mine noticed nothing really and thought what we at first had at all thought; we were all friends in this together. I wanted to reach her but between class assignments and the utter social threat of the class and the teacher always calling me a woman; I just could not. I was like I was drowning in this comforting things of society that melted because people could strip them away.
It did not dawn on the others what had happened until the end of the semester. And on the very last day; said girl realized the actual culture and like a coward I never told her my feelings...but in a sense it was only so that she would not be inflicted harm. I seriously trusted that teacher was anything good and like a trail of a dark mood stemmed from her and she seemed more a threat than a teacher.
Yet in that environment and that moment I could not say anything at all. And that was my defeat but also why I could not take that place any of it serious after that. That is not even included in the original graphic novel. But I let my friend down and saw the hurt on her face just out of my eye and cowered like a fool...
Comments
Post a Comment