I splat!
Can be only termed in one picture.
Even though I tried to carry on with my dream and strengthen it and make it into what I wanted to be. In that fall mid in October, the dream of having anyone to work with failed. While I may not mention this, I deemed the people I hung out with in the dorms~ dorm friends and they actually were not my friends save three individuals I usually hung out with. In their larger friend group- I could say to have made at least three sort of friends too, but often felt estranged from them because two were a couple and this girl had low self respect for herself and other than that I would probably would have been inclined to try and be with her. But she just went out and played around with guys in a manner that is both cruel and not particular right to do. Hence to say if there is a title called Shark on Campus, she could be a "shark" of sorts. She picked the guys who were right for her. I was just watching her do these things and feel bad that I could not help. Frankly, I had no right to tell anyone how to be. Even if I actually had a crush on her like I did when I first met her the weekend of the first week I believe it to be. She was someone who did not include you in their circle of life; daily and I only met her around a group of friends every night. Yet; ever since that first time where she questioned my music tastes there was a spark. One that I did not deny then but when I saw her describe herself as a slut a week later; I just could not envision being with her. I am not God to instruct a stranger and just am not a person to take advantage of people.
Yet as time passed we had more than a far share of looks and connections in which we alone sat-with these trio of friends( who I called the modern amigos yet never said so out loud) and the couple basically two islands alone. I would deny that I wanted her and she would look on with a questionable look. I could not deny I felt strong for her but simply; I was cautious of all she just blatantly said and wondered what a relationship would ever look like. Every day I would meet I would always think about her and her certain problems that she made apparent for the world to see.
Yet I never could find anything about her speaking to me in the day. Maybe I did not like her but I had other people I liked.
Just to say the people I mention were the nice folks. The other people who were complementary to this group later on because they lived on that side or associated with folks on that side where anything but nice. I could say that they were not friends but acquaintances. But these people were not my friends and I hardly really ever even spoke to them. I am not going to list them because it is a lot of trash.
Else there was another group I hung out with who were lets say more down to life than down to dreams and self pity bullshit. And at times were to hang out with either the fringes of the complementary group and some of the main group indeed, it was a large group but the realness of these folk often did not match with the asshole culture of the complementary. To say that it was a complete rude culture of non forgiving activities like drinking and all these other things that teens getting old like to do. I usually hung out sometimes to see if anyone was literary bound or comic bound or any type of artist but I met more artists in community college than ever a dorm and no this does not count the fake want to be famous artsy type.
The other people I met were more close to real like friends than anything. The weekend of the 1st week, when I talked to that girl~ was the actually first time I talked to a girl because I was attracted to them and not doing so because I had crushed over a long period of time. I needed to meet people to continue my goal, right I said. But really I just did this because when else would I have the chance to actually be me without someone blocking me from speaking.
I say that; I really liked speaking to her. But later to find that she had an americanized name and could not find her for the sake of anything the week after or even during that next week. It was the next friday when this girl gave me bread. Later on in fire drills I would see both of them and their friends and never say anything because I never could lets say face them both at the same time. Or really because I felt as if it was not my place to say anything then.
Another girl I would met later on was the girlfriend of this dude in english class and we sat in the lunch estate together at a table and that is how I met her. She gave me her number. And I did so, it was the first time someone of a friend had given me a number I would actually use. She offered me a guitar and that is how I have a guitar now. I feel bad I never contacted her later but albeit for the reason I lost her cell number in an accident and much to be said have not seen her since I left that place in 2014 spring.
Getting closer to people; like her who I actually considered friends as well as the girl with bread I ran with one night and kept meeting and the girl I first spoke to, was a fellow who was another writer and I at times did hang out with him on 3rd floor when he was there in any of the apparent spaces or one time at the end of the semester in his room playing a video game. There was this friendly type dude on the floor who seemed popular and I never really knew him much than greetings but I would say that guy was an acquaintance. Unlike the fourth floor friends of mine I made more friends on the other floors than they did because I actually was looking for people. But eventually realized there were none people who could join with me and that I should just appreciate people for who they are~ if who they are is good.
Yet I had another friend who was friends with the writer and actually got some cookies from that fellow but kinda felt bad. I did try to hang out with her more but really; I could not find her in the times that I was free.
It was kinda of around these different times of the 3rd floor I felt a dark presence in the air as if something had happened.
In the outside world outside these dorms, I did not have much friends to be truly said. There was this guy who encouraged me to keep on my craft at the upper part of the library I considered kind of illegal in concerns of the culture that was prevalent at the bottom floors, were selfish egotistical sons of bitches thought they could treat you like trash because they represented the pride of the university in short.
In psychology the only person I considered my friend was the girl I spoke to and at the end; while she understood it a friendship and I still understood it a friendship I realized that I did have feelings for her by the nearing end of the semester by that pressuring constant buzzing of that social sphere present in that classroom.
There was at last a girl who was a woman actually near her 30s than her 20s who was my friend in Math class and would share her scantrons with me and this other dude, and then he would share his scantrons with her and me and I would share my scantrons with them and we kinda of were friends for that reason and more. More in which we talked to each other actually and were not rude to ignore or buzz out one party. But I say that the girl was actually my friend because she was the one I had the most complex situations and talks with. She was encouraging when I saw that people would speak about me in front of me and told her about it. At first I did had feelings for her, she had very attractive legs and personality and was a goth. But she mentioned she was getting married in the middle of the semester in October middle; I decided to cover up my feelings or rather subvert them. Because I am not a person to get in the middle of such serious business.
I was alone much of the time though and the room mate was a great company despite his previous eras in times and other times not. But I was alone much of the time. Only came out to socialize with people and see who would partner with me. Yet everytime I thought I was alone foremost the first two girls I was interested in; came to mind. I was reminded of everyone I had come across that seemed like a good fit romantically and realized I would never be able to reach them at this rate.
I never saw them enough to really speak to them. And if I saw them everyday, I never had a chance to say anything at all because the social atmosphere was punishing for me to even say anything openly.
Semester went on and I was vying for two more people. Just made me sick and I was exhausted. Would I ever get an answer. And would I ever understand why this girl would keep saying hello to me ; every opportunity she got. I frankly did not understand but thought she honestly liked me. For grand instance.; its utter bullshit that anyone in this era would say hellos to people they see all time that they never ever speak to and when given the chance of many hellos never offer any communication to the person they speak to. I really had and have no responsibility to engage anyone who utterly sees theirselves higher than everyone else and does not even socialize with people yet seems to leave a bad taste in the living spaces in their absence and in their wake. Not to be racist or rude. But it is of duty to say that the one person who always said hello to me of anyone in that dorm and campus was so fucking suspicious. They lived a cherry holiday reality while everyone else good or bad realized they lived there. Assumingly to say they were never really present in real life in their floor nor dorm. And just lived in this fake consumerism culture of the university itself as if they were still entering the damn school and had not been there for like 3 months.
I believed love came from unexpected angles and still believe it true and just hoped that this person meant well. I was not going to take the chance of responding and she claim this or that was my behaviour and some how threatened her and her prestige which is essentially what she did when I would message her years later this year. And claim that I was in love with her first, and then say I could not be in love. But in case you have not noticed, I never claim to be in love with anyone, fallen in love is just a term to say that you have an interest in them romantically and never inclines that you ever got to know the person on romantic fucking level. " I love you~ such and such for you are both generous and kind" is a statement in which a person could say to have received only when they come to know the person as generous and kind and when both parties realize the same or different or respect that either of the parties is in love with them. By her frank hellos all I thought in being nice and optimistic that I was not in some shit, could not be in shit, should not be in shit yet I was in fucking shit! And only courage and determination proved that I was in shit and none of friendships I ever wanted to be there yet romantic; could ever happen when she was always attached just like the roommate to cause eventual harm if they did not already.
I wondered why in mystery names, that other girl who follow my hands and movements ever appeared when I was completely bitter or completely lost. Taunting that she was a dream to prevent all of this. Feeling all this in a society in which it is immoral to have many feelings for people and act on them all. But I realized its not my fault to conform and that in this shit storm of dark haze of that other mystery girl and I turned the page, she would be my gambit girl. I quickly realized how friendship of these women and girls was something I just wanted to have in my daily life, yet this girl while representing unfriendly traits as well as being the outlier in behavior acceptable for sane and communicable people. tried to be little friendly nancy but forgot to actually engage. I say that people who speak to you first and yet are not of this cute type while saying their hellos and their silence just breathes hidden hostility as if they expect you not to say anything back but these hellos, just want something or to ultimately disrespect you. And anyone who does not believe just wants to be a gutted fucked fish who is used and braised for all their damned worth. I would show this girl; what it is like to be taken serious on her supposed gambit to utterly be " nice" or goad me on. I would take her serious and aim to make her my one plus. In sight of which I could not find anyone else and that people had such a fixation on a plus one where I just had interest in different women.
The payback of being this experiment for everyday mockery by this mystery lady would be my own mzodern in actual real life and I would come back when it was done and write it here the conclusion.
Of whether I allowed a person to continue to treat me like a product from a university and not a person. And the truth is; I did not allow them to control me and subvert my dreams of friendship and love. But all to say; I wished that would have a friendship with all those girls I would think about after all the various encounters but I did not and do not.
Honorable mention goes to a particular girl who also tried to know me, but later on just did not know how to be anything but insane and everyday annoying. But I will just say that they were not of the girl of self regret and thought of theirselves as a whore. They were one of these silent dark hearted people who threw the regret of time show their nasty characters true to world to hate you and ultimately stab you in the back when you are no longer of an estate nor university. And that their kindness is fickle and only temporary.
So all to say that in the end the dream of inclusion had become the effort of replicating back hatred and turning the other cheek in defense as I was far enough being bombarded with the surprises of how twisted the ego of man and woman can be.
Even though I tried to carry on with my dream and strengthen it and make it into what I wanted to be. In that fall mid in October, the dream of having anyone to work with failed. While I may not mention this, I deemed the people I hung out with in the dorms~ dorm friends and they actually were not my friends save three individuals I usually hung out with. In their larger friend group- I could say to have made at least three sort of friends too, but often felt estranged from them because two were a couple and this girl had low self respect for herself and other than that I would probably would have been inclined to try and be with her. But she just went out and played around with guys in a manner that is both cruel and not particular right to do. Hence to say if there is a title called Shark on Campus, she could be a "shark" of sorts. She picked the guys who were right for her. I was just watching her do these things and feel bad that I could not help. Frankly, I had no right to tell anyone how to be. Even if I actually had a crush on her like I did when I first met her the weekend of the first week I believe it to be. She was someone who did not include you in their circle of life; daily and I only met her around a group of friends every night. Yet; ever since that first time where she questioned my music tastes there was a spark. One that I did not deny then but when I saw her describe herself as a slut a week later; I just could not envision being with her. I am not God to instruct a stranger and just am not a person to take advantage of people.
Yet as time passed we had more than a far share of looks and connections in which we alone sat-with these trio of friends( who I called the modern amigos yet never said so out loud) and the couple basically two islands alone. I would deny that I wanted her and she would look on with a questionable look. I could not deny I felt strong for her but simply; I was cautious of all she just blatantly said and wondered what a relationship would ever look like. Every day I would meet I would always think about her and her certain problems that she made apparent for the world to see.
Yet I never could find anything about her speaking to me in the day. Maybe I did not like her but I had other people I liked.
Just to say the people I mention were the nice folks. The other people who were complementary to this group later on because they lived on that side or associated with folks on that side where anything but nice. I could say that they were not friends but acquaintances. But these people were not my friends and I hardly really ever even spoke to them. I am not going to list them because it is a lot of trash.
Else there was another group I hung out with who were lets say more down to life than down to dreams and self pity bullshit. And at times were to hang out with either the fringes of the complementary group and some of the main group indeed, it was a large group but the realness of these folk often did not match with the asshole culture of the complementary. To say that it was a complete rude culture of non forgiving activities like drinking and all these other things that teens getting old like to do. I usually hung out sometimes to see if anyone was literary bound or comic bound or any type of artist but I met more artists in community college than ever a dorm and no this does not count the fake want to be famous artsy type.
The other people I met were more close to real like friends than anything. The weekend of the 1st week, when I talked to that girl~ was the actually first time I talked to a girl because I was attracted to them and not doing so because I had crushed over a long period of time. I needed to meet people to continue my goal, right I said. But really I just did this because when else would I have the chance to actually be me without someone blocking me from speaking.
I say that; I really liked speaking to her. But later to find that she had an americanized name and could not find her for the sake of anything the week after or even during that next week. It was the next friday when this girl gave me bread. Later on in fire drills I would see both of them and their friends and never say anything because I never could lets say face them both at the same time. Or really because I felt as if it was not my place to say anything then.
Another girl I would met later on was the girlfriend of this dude in english class and we sat in the lunch estate together at a table and that is how I met her. She gave me her number. And I did so, it was the first time someone of a friend had given me a number I would actually use. She offered me a guitar and that is how I have a guitar now. I feel bad I never contacted her later but albeit for the reason I lost her cell number in an accident and much to be said have not seen her since I left that place in 2014 spring.
Getting closer to people; like her who I actually considered friends as well as the girl with bread I ran with one night and kept meeting and the girl I first spoke to, was a fellow who was another writer and I at times did hang out with him on 3rd floor when he was there in any of the apparent spaces or one time at the end of the semester in his room playing a video game. There was this friendly type dude on the floor who seemed popular and I never really knew him much than greetings but I would say that guy was an acquaintance. Unlike the fourth floor friends of mine I made more friends on the other floors than they did because I actually was looking for people. But eventually realized there were none people who could join with me and that I should just appreciate people for who they are~ if who they are is good.
Yet I had another friend who was friends with the writer and actually got some cookies from that fellow but kinda felt bad. I did try to hang out with her more but really; I could not find her in the times that I was free.
It was kinda of around these different times of the 3rd floor I felt a dark presence in the air as if something had happened.
In the outside world outside these dorms, I did not have much friends to be truly said. There was this guy who encouraged me to keep on my craft at the upper part of the library I considered kind of illegal in concerns of the culture that was prevalent at the bottom floors, were selfish egotistical sons of bitches thought they could treat you like trash because they represented the pride of the university in short.
In psychology the only person I considered my friend was the girl I spoke to and at the end; while she understood it a friendship and I still understood it a friendship I realized that I did have feelings for her by the nearing end of the semester by that pressuring constant buzzing of that social sphere present in that classroom.
There was at last a girl who was a woman actually near her 30s than her 20s who was my friend in Math class and would share her scantrons with me and this other dude, and then he would share his scantrons with her and me and I would share my scantrons with them and we kinda of were friends for that reason and more. More in which we talked to each other actually and were not rude to ignore or buzz out one party. But I say that the girl was actually my friend because she was the one I had the most complex situations and talks with. She was encouraging when I saw that people would speak about me in front of me and told her about it. At first I did had feelings for her, she had very attractive legs and personality and was a goth. But she mentioned she was getting married in the middle of the semester in October middle; I decided to cover up my feelings or rather subvert them. Because I am not a person to get in the middle of such serious business.
I was alone much of the time though and the room mate was a great company despite his previous eras in times and other times not. But I was alone much of the time. Only came out to socialize with people and see who would partner with me. Yet everytime I thought I was alone foremost the first two girls I was interested in; came to mind. I was reminded of everyone I had come across that seemed like a good fit romantically and realized I would never be able to reach them at this rate.
I never saw them enough to really speak to them. And if I saw them everyday, I never had a chance to say anything at all because the social atmosphere was punishing for me to even say anything openly.
Semester went on and I was vying for two more people. Just made me sick and I was exhausted. Would I ever get an answer. And would I ever understand why this girl would keep saying hello to me ; every opportunity she got. I frankly did not understand but thought she honestly liked me. For grand instance.; its utter bullshit that anyone in this era would say hellos to people they see all time that they never ever speak to and when given the chance of many hellos never offer any communication to the person they speak to. I really had and have no responsibility to engage anyone who utterly sees theirselves higher than everyone else and does not even socialize with people yet seems to leave a bad taste in the living spaces in their absence and in their wake. Not to be racist or rude. But it is of duty to say that the one person who always said hello to me of anyone in that dorm and campus was so fucking suspicious. They lived a cherry holiday reality while everyone else good or bad realized they lived there. Assumingly to say they were never really present in real life in their floor nor dorm. And just lived in this fake consumerism culture of the university itself as if they were still entering the damn school and had not been there for like 3 months.
I believed love came from unexpected angles and still believe it true and just hoped that this person meant well. I was not going to take the chance of responding and she claim this or that was my behaviour and some how threatened her and her prestige which is essentially what she did when I would message her years later this year. And claim that I was in love with her first, and then say I could not be in love. But in case you have not noticed, I never claim to be in love with anyone, fallen in love is just a term to say that you have an interest in them romantically and never inclines that you ever got to know the person on romantic fucking level. " I love you~ such and such for you are both generous and kind" is a statement in which a person could say to have received only when they come to know the person as generous and kind and when both parties realize the same or different or respect that either of the parties is in love with them. By her frank hellos all I thought in being nice and optimistic that I was not in some shit, could not be in shit, should not be in shit yet I was in fucking shit! And only courage and determination proved that I was in shit and none of friendships I ever wanted to be there yet romantic; could ever happen when she was always attached just like the roommate to cause eventual harm if they did not already.
I wondered why in mystery names, that other girl who follow my hands and movements ever appeared when I was completely bitter or completely lost. Taunting that she was a dream to prevent all of this. Feeling all this in a society in which it is immoral to have many feelings for people and act on them all. But I realized its not my fault to conform and that in this shit storm of dark haze of that other mystery girl and I turned the page, she would be my gambit girl. I quickly realized how friendship of these women and girls was something I just wanted to have in my daily life, yet this girl while representing unfriendly traits as well as being the outlier in behavior acceptable for sane and communicable people. tried to be little friendly nancy but forgot to actually engage. I say that people who speak to you first and yet are not of this cute type while saying their hellos and their silence just breathes hidden hostility as if they expect you not to say anything back but these hellos, just want something or to ultimately disrespect you. And anyone who does not believe just wants to be a gutted fucked fish who is used and braised for all their damned worth. I would show this girl; what it is like to be taken serious on her supposed gambit to utterly be " nice" or goad me on. I would take her serious and aim to make her my one plus. In sight of which I could not find anyone else and that people had such a fixation on a plus one where I just had interest in different women.
The payback of being this experiment for everyday mockery by this mystery lady would be my own mzodern in actual real life and I would come back when it was done and write it here the conclusion.
Of whether I allowed a person to continue to treat me like a product from a university and not a person. And the truth is; I did not allow them to control me and subvert my dreams of friendship and love. But all to say; I wished that would have a friendship with all those girls I would think about after all the various encounters but I did not and do not.
Honorable mention goes to a particular girl who also tried to know me, but later on just did not know how to be anything but insane and everyday annoying. But I will just say that they were not of the girl of self regret and thought of theirselves as a whore. They were one of these silent dark hearted people who threw the regret of time show their nasty characters true to world to hate you and ultimately stab you in the back when you are no longer of an estate nor university. And that their kindness is fickle and only temporary.
So all to say that in the end the dream of inclusion had become the effort of replicating back hatred and turning the other cheek in defense as I was far enough being bombarded with the surprises of how twisted the ego of man and woman can be.
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