Yo comer y comer.

Long term analaysis of the time before that week and that week up to the incident and yes much and much after poses that there has always been one constant variable across the times till 2017's end. What was that? It was actually a who. What I don't always recount is the full truth, it would be strange if I did. I don't repeat every single thing that happens in a day and rather this "single" thing was rather a large thing but you could never know at the time.

Early days at that community college was looking for a new beginning, a new social one at that but yet the people were very closeminded and very hostile and if not so stupid yet they believed they were moral and smart. You would draw to a certain theme everyday however never noticed how the heart could be impacted. To sway you away from those ideas. "Follow your heart " they said. I relatively back then was so intent on a theme I did not know I was already else inspired. I did not want to be attached to anyone because even if they were attractive and seemed like a new start, chances they would be just bad people. My intitution was not wrong. But really much I should have explored the ideas of inspiration I recieved but I did not fully. I only drew one comic on Tuesday 13th of September and even then it was not apparent to me I was embarking on yet another theme. I never released the comic or maybe I later did and never got to properly explain it all. Yet I did not want to exploit a person of their ideas so I treated them wrong or as if an object so this one comic is all I drew of the theme.  Who and which attraction was this? What was the nature of the whole thing?

Well let me tell you in that boring Art 1-2d class on Tuesdays, Thursdays and  Fridays. for at least two weeks or maybe three even, it was a staring of a different sort. You felt as if being washed with laundry and in just in the cycle of these looks. I mean to say a certain woman/ girl (or whatever is the proper name for a female over 20 years old would be) kept looking at me all through each and every class and I would be looking over just to see if she was looking over and well never got the chance to speak to her in a class where so many overgrown or undergrown adults kept on having their misinformed say. The girl at the beginning was not close with the rabble and you could think she was sane, a nice person and not racist. But oh, in time she would show her colors and that was after the incident. This girl seemed to me to be the "new start" of something and at that time I held the failures of the first year of college in front of me but yet I was powerless again to fight the peers in the famed powers of self realized importance. What would you do to talk at an older person who is in their 40s and 50s and acts like a fucking reject kid in highschool? I did not know. I was not going to be speaking to older people in any sort of way because they probably would attempt to do some harm and if not worse than a highschool bully. I mean, I could have told them to shut up and that would have been good. I don't think the little wannabe cool teacher from Japan would have minded. Anywyas regards of the people, the girl was already messed in the first place. But plenty enough, every class before the 13th and much after the 13th were times in which she and I just stared at each other and I said nothing to her because there was nothing I could say without those old ass people jumping on me.

The funny thing I never mentioned is that the school I went to was never with "white people" much and much. It was more blacks, hispanics and some asians. The real funny thing was that this girl called Irene Birdlastname in highschool was a pretenious black hating person. I mean, you do not know but hispanics can be racists to a pure formula of who they socialize with, be with and even treat well. This Irene girl was the girl who was in 6th grade in the corner with all the people who would bully you in class or on the socceer field and were hispanic. Yet they were never as racist as her. She was like the boss brutal type girl who would always be badgering to bully people who were black. Literally, I think that was her goal and pretty much she was like that frim 6th to 12th grade, never changing but only getting worse. You never knew if she was one of those hispanics, " wanting to be white" but she was. Kudos, this cursed individual was in my Art design 1-2d class. She talked amongst all the racist old people, army dude and annoying gay younger dude as if she was so comfortable with their racist ideas. Much and much people, I did not care about what she was doing and did not even care she existed there but a long level of negativity was found in this person and yes they were in this class with again and the biggest group of bullies yet to date. She excelled at stroking the flames, you would be blind not to see it and yet I did not care what she did. As long as she did not try to make a swipe at me, I would not do anything. The funny thing is that I should have done something. I should have not foriven, I should have made life hard for her. I should have called her out and where she actually went to highschool and see if her old geezer friends thought she was cool then. This girl always was glaring at me in a rather passive aggressive nastiness. I think she thought that she had mellowed out but no, she was just among the people which best suited here. Is it wrong for long time life racists to have fun with other ones. I mean, this girl called Irene had a reputation in highschool. People who were black and those who were hispanic would always not like her for rather ideas which everyone kinda of realized as racist. People weren't stupid even if a school tried to call them all stupid. It was so funny, to see this girl sitting here as an adult thinking of the same things and same things she did as a child but as an adult. Literally at some point you just ought to believe people are just people instead of people out to "impure you". Kudos folks. I actuallly saw this particular former highschool peer in the spring semeester in a thing called the "designathon". She was sitting near me and I never knew who this person was. She kept smiling at me and smiling. As if she did not recognize who I was then. Just giving me that "loving look" of interest. Her hair was died pink and I vaguely for a second thought she was white but then she turns a bit and my heart skipped ten thousand beats, it was the school bully! It was like she was under the spell of both this university circuit and community college. The blissful dumb opportunstic loook that some girls give you but never mean. I mean, some girls give you this look and hop in the bed with your roommate, some others give you this look and then try to start a mob of hatred against you with their friends( how dare they be touched by what you cannot control-their sudden attraction to you) and let's not forget; they give you this look when seeking to make you venture and waste all your time to change their minds.
The much and much, this girl was dangerous and she was just even more dangerous as an adult. I mean, this girl was bipolar in which she seemed to behave towards people. One day she would be okay. Another day she would be antagonistic. From what could be assumed from seeing her in that one " designathon" event; you could say that she had changed? That is what you would think yet later on, She would freaking just be the worst person ever. As if realizing that she was not into you at all and realized fiercously that she wanted to be of this "pure" racial identity! I mean that is to say that this girl in adult good went from making 90 degree turns in her youth to make 360 turns as an adult. I mean, she got so much worse in terms to a bipolar behavior. That was the funny thing.

Oh, much to be said the main reason I never spoke to the girl is because I was trying to figure out who she was. She was not seemingly to be the nice and pure in character type. She did not seem to be messed up like Irene or a toxic individual.  She was unique in what you can say and you did not know how to approach her in the situation. Yet I am somewhat to say that folks, reasoning before looks always goes. Always think about who the actual person is-literally. I am to say even then I had reservations about talking with this girl, she could just be a bad influence and if not just a toxic person. She was no girl from english or pyschology class and if you were to date someone it probably would be best with people who are easy to approach and aren't bad people. So really much, I rather be with previous people than this girl I realized but I would give her a chance.

Okay, much and much, what would have happened if that incident had not happened is that I would have talked to this girl looking at me. Probably get looped into some strange relationship and then dumped out with many regrets by the time this person was willing to move on with their privilege.

I have often talked about a certain individual who basically got a "get out of jail " free card when it came to be late and turning in assignments in graphic design and a person whose white privilege got her to skip all the credit and maybe two degrees need for a job she would get in Austin. Austin is a cursed fucking place. This girl looking at me constantly was that individual....! She ultimately as I would later find out was not the best person.Took the hand of Irene and joined the racist people to piss all over you being a person or humane. Even worse is that in fall 2017, she would try so hard and I mean so hard to be nice to me as if that would make the previous year events just to go away and she would be "good with me" again. Literally, this is what you wonder when this woman basically helps you out on finding something in the lecture. I did not say that this girl wasn't smart but she was just bad.  One day in that fall 2017, one of the days in which she would come to class( as to a point after this whole jolly fall 2016 semester of being somewhat inquiring of me and then resolving to be an asshole with everyone towards me as if her real destiny-she made sure in fall 2017 never to come to class as much as she would that art 1-2d class and just wreck it up with the racists and nobodies)
you would seek to follow after her to ask her," what the fuck she was doing?" Or what her intensions were. Literally, you wanted to ask that but realize you probably just settle to try to ask her out instead. In hence decide its best to leave this person alone because you don't want to be washed up in their cycle of changing their mood and their emotions and even polarity of behavior. Why this girl decided to be nice in fall 2017 when for much of fall 2016 she was not nice as if being affected by bad peer influence? I would say it would be the people around her but even those people were trash-self hating and self loathing folks. I mean, you could take a civil rights picture and make a collage out of it in fall 2017 and no one would know what it meant. Like they were bigots by heart and so was the teacher. I mean does not it look like racial disparity? But no, you cannot say anything to biogts they already made their say and whilst you want to believe it was all peer pressure in which the girl behaved badly-it wasn't. The person was sane and I am sure she knew right and wrong and really much just choose to do wrong and then try to make up for it later. But I guess you don't do that if you don't say anything to people and just leave school pretty much in fall 2017 and just get on with your life of privilege despite you never completing the education you need to be overalll a "graphic designer" and not taking classes your local magazine creator group says you need to play in the sand with them. It is worse to say that this person was just playing a game. You never matter but were just an item that could satisify with what they were willing to give. But what they are willing to give is not adequate for anything and what is worse is that whatever sham apology the girl was trying to make by "helping you" it was only worsened when you learn that she just went off to work at this magazine full time and then got even a bigger job that people with associates and bachelor degrees in graphic design have a hard time to get. Any much, the girl basically added much salt to the wounds and just left.

I mean pretty much when in this wash cycle of cute glares and stares back and forth, you could never know who this person was and really much if you had or had not spoken with this girl, she would have done her best to try and get what she wanted in the first place because you were just an object to be spoken to and enacted upon and never a person who need logicial explanations for what they had done. I am going to say in my defense that I should have never been anyone else but me and I was not because I realized that being a little pomp girl on a phone could have basically signaled not wanting to be bothered. But I rather have been been me than do what was necessary to basically avoid the impliactions of this person's actions. Much and much, whilst I stared at this girl and she stared at me,  I don't believe anyone knew the future. But certainly this girl realized a future herself and just thought she could cross back over at any time when she made decisions that lead to the other fork in the road. I mean, this girl was basically just a "user". She used everyone. She used the people in the Art 1-2d class to build herself up and tear others who seemed not to be like her down even when she noticed that they were. She used the teacher, She used all the teachers just get excuses to skip classes and take the credit as if she was there. She used the students in the second photoshop class in fall 2017. to give her a sense of importance and hoped to use me to give herself some type of fullfillemnt in the craft of using people. That she could push a sum reality by just turning up some days and just aiming to be the most nice. She just used everyone and left. She was bad. Really bad.

You would have to admire the beauty of her mind. Because I am to tell you, that no one else I have ever encountered-,male or female, had such a mind. She got up to the big leagues of the graphic design industry by playing the cards and privilege and seeing the ins and outs and weaving through the crowds. In highschool I used to do a thing where I would speed run catch the angles and launch myself. It was fun, school never caught me or made me stop or others stop either. It pretty much was being lawless but to an extent you had to do it or you would be late for class. This girl was in the same familarity of going against the conventional but she never did the heavy lifting herself. She never worked on anything much but let privilege do it. And well she recognized her privilege and used it. It made her a savant you can say and that intelligence is rare and even admirable when it else does not appear at all. She weaved through everyone and everythinga nd still hoped to reach some happiness there in the end by reaching out towards ya. Such and such people, whilst I ran in the halls in highschool and through people and much- I still did my school work. No one else did my work for me. There was no privilege at all but just breaking the lesser rule of "no running in the halls'. I could say to you that what I was doing was good. A teacher even recognized that and put it all in the year book and tried to make me a trope for , " getting to class on time" but I was never such a person to talk. Yes, this girl was a talker, she could think and she could reason but she could only reason to do the worst. She only reasoned to take advantage of a racial privilege she should have never taken up if she wanted to make the world a better place or "fair" for everyone. She did not and basically you can say she was just a hyper nuisance. That is what I have come to realize after a time.

Anyways on Tuesday the 13th, the day before the incident, I embarked on drawing upon her inspiration and it just pulled me into a void of murk and muck. Much in the  comic, it has a more fantasy element and mocks me for having feelings when they aren't worth anything but a false chance to have any form of connection with another person of the opposite sex. That is to say I had no confidence from the start from those eyes wandering at me and me back at her, that anything was real! I say that Tuesday was focusing in on a theeme but never realized that it was done with.
For some reason; I forgot the idea of unicorn themeed drawings I wanted to close out the theme with that I was wroking with since school began in August. But things happen when people swarm you with glares and death stares. You forget somethings and if I had remembered the Unicorn idea-the whole theme would have been able to conclude and I would have moved on but yet I did not.Did not realize how much you could get from the sum of this girl and her looks and ganders at you. How much art elluded me was too much.It all was threatened and so was my life-the next day. A Wednesday where you have themes popping up and a mood is most forbidding. You almost lost the will to percieve and to think. Much and much, the girl was asavant at making the worst decisions imaginable and then people who could make good savant decisions were basically lessened in their abilility to do so by what an immoral nature they promoted. But I was not down and out. Nope, I would not be an easy target and maybe that is what upset the girl later on, true and true.