A look back (A)

 When I made that attempt in winter 2017 at the beginning of January; I was writing from the heart but also in the midst of terrible straits really and that those straits weren't good ones at all but had odds against  what I perceived were romantic fulfillment, dream fulfillment and even continuing one's life with the fear of looking over your shoulder.  I was trying to escape that and reach the goals I set in path year ago aka four years ago; this was just out of the disaster that was fall 2016 and yes a person could only make a certain effort in the restraints of their injury. Pretty much forced to move when they probably should not have.

I want you to imagine the real fear of having no one to trust, envisioning everyone to be compromised and people pretty much behaving and impacting that way which is to be said almost everyone and anyone you could know and people who are strangers for some reason turning against you. Always having to be on guard against a secret narrative as if you weren't what happened in fall 2016 could very well just happen again and again. I am to tell you a person did get very far in writing but they were not be honest there and then as there was so much to be discovered but I am to tell you that if a person was trying to a romantic champion for those women who made theirselves known to have an interest; it just was a waste time and rightfully these people were in no means potential anythings to me at all. I look back and realize a person just fell for a bunch of cowards and idiots and just gave people chances they do not deserve. Places in a person's mind where they hope and aspire realistically and even holistically together they could build a life together. I traversed for a long time on this dumb bubble even when it was apparent that people did have feelings but never were going to be kind and courageous to even value you at all or respect you to give you time or attention. 

I deserved better. I wasted time, I gave these people energy, I gave them space in my mind as if rent free and these motherfuckers want to act as if they can dump me as if I was a creep because they cannot do anything but bastardize and be cowards to never go out of their way to commit to any feelings or any path not cleared before.  That is their remorseful choice as pretty much a person would have been a catch. I would have been a catch and these people envisioned me as a catch. This damn bubble of me aspiring to be with them naturally in a natural non forced way and them envisioning me in a forced fetched, lust- inspired and hateful way. They are too cowardly but to project hatred towards me and violence. Its taken be awhile to realize everything but I cannot even avow by these people and that be because they were and are the number one driving force that harmed me so much deep to the spiritual level that a person will never love these people. They will never give a fuck either. For all the shit that was pulled even before in those dire times of fall 2016, earlier than that various time and various falls since fall 2013,winter and spring 2017 and even after 2017; I can never forgive these people. They might have saw the writing in the stars and thought the faith of togetherness with me was already defined but it was not as they chickened out, assaulted me and made theirselves feel real good about it all. These people should never aspire for romantics but just settle for whatever cunt that matches their fucking race and will tolerate their fucking bullshit or is just a person who is so good at being racially demeaned and personally demeaned. That is all they deserve. These people put me in a compromising position and loved it. This is to explain how nothing was even good in winter 2017 when everything was highly toxic and highly abusive to no bare end.

I found myself writting a post on the 2nd would be MZODERN later known as ZW when first called MK MZODERN 2; how I was so dedicated to some individual and that I was devoted to them. It is a good thing that I erased any proof of that right-no, that was sarcasm and the post is rather private as is that whole blog. I am just to say I was hoping behind the wrong people and that would get me in so much agony and trouble even two years into the future and even past that though I am to say that after 2020 everything of that nature declined through my sole efforts to remove myself from these people and never have a connection to these people who really much hate me and hate anyone like me. In 2018 would reach out to people or rather foremost was reached out to in the fall 2017 by the Mariam individual; these people clearly did not like me and really much akin if you can call having repressed feelings love I don't want such craziness, stupidity and utter bullshit. I used to protect the image of these people but looking back and freed more than ever from their influence a person is to say that these people are the worst and you would not choose to be bothered by them.  I could not care if they came up to me 20 years from now or even after this post and its subsequent and asked me how things were going or tried to connect to those old college days. Its over and its dead. These people made their decision and they love some old windbag more than me to even ever but give me any chance but to be a person and ever realize the reality of things. Yet these people are stupid and akin as I would not recognize in the past are far lower than the whole normal adult recognition and never will realize how they were used and how they wasted so much good will and 1st appearances that really it can never go back to how it was at the start. Nothing was earned and these people contributed greatly to hindering my acts and crafts for their petty self loathing repressed nonsense. There is nothing they could do to make me like them again when all they did as I climbed a mountain was take advantage of what corruption provided and had the times of their lives living in status quo and pretending to dream whilst they did not but grifted on dreamers.

I look back at what I wrote and its very good for the pain that I was in and the dark condition I was in whilst these people partied and praised some fictional version of God that must smile upon their real life depravity. I do not even want to think much about the darkness of having devotion to these people whilst they made life so hard for you and you tried to make life easier for them thinking that they must of been targets by hateful people but they were in on it the whole time. For my past self I certainly will say that these people aren't good people, they don't follow God or anything religious but are just cretins who really much will do anything to hate a person for no one real reason but their own self perceived reality of being "trapped with a person" who barely spoke to them. I cannot abide by such people and never will value them as I did in winter 2017. What they did was evil; I will have you know that and anyone girl discussed on here in the past covering 2013 most likely if I even know their name is an evil piece of shit that is oft deranged and insidious proud of their efforts.

I do say there was a heavy hesitation when I wrote of any type of seemed "love" or romantics. These people did nothing for me and really much the whole fall 2016 advent proved so much to be but yet did not have proof. I knew people would read and oh, that Mariam she read my message there and then and was so adamant to point out that she was not after me in that elevator that one day when, "so this is it?" must not be used to try to speak to someone in awkward silence. This person was playing me and really much you can say it that they all were just considering image and appearance and really did not give a fuck about me but just playing a game to consider all the angles but really only recognizing one and using all the "angles" just so they could hate a person and like a person all the same and win a favored regime's idealisms as well engage in sexual favors so they thought( I was not ever going to do it with them).

I just look back at that post and realize how dire  things were and how bad they were and that people who later mocked me and came about just need to be dismissed and realize that they serve like literal no purpose but people who want to get in on drama and mess when truly they aren't smart enough to be some diverse clog from the country or out of the country. It makes me realize how far a person will come alone and how far a person went to discover the terrible truths about people they hoped they could be with. I think that openly if a person was apart of the Bachelor; it would take three or five seasons to go through all the women date them, pick some and figure out that even the one that you did choose is a fucking idiot and incompatible so you walk away with nothing! I would say in truth that a person was misled and blackmailed all the same so that they missed all the real opportunities and really much a person probably was right to even think those same people would follow the same regime ideals as they could become like prior women to see me as a target to win special points. All I know is that is just what happened later on with those idiots from the community college and really much nothing can reverse this indoctrination so you are just left with people who are hungry for your blood and really much have no reason to but to be apart of conscripted drama, nonsense and racist vile for some fictional prize. Alas true love is not where someone views you as a prize to turn into their fascist hidden state. It would be clear to state that no one has done anything for me that even bemerits me even tolerating liking them at all when its a low effort to even consider me and make me the villain if I don't want to share eye contact with someone who really is as flimsy as the wind and literally mouthwaters at betraying you.

What I am to say is that nothing ever got better and all I could do in the whole romantic scene of things was recognize how off the rails people were and remove myself from these people if not hide away from these people indeed. This is to underscore how dire things were in winter 2017 when I started MK MZODERN 2 which features some heavy improvements to the MK MZODERN site. I am just to say that however much people want to normalize some lust filled aggression towards me that is racial and heavily racially motivated; that is not what I deserve nor will normalize. Whilst people continue to always be their worst-its really showing of their character and not mine. Good on you if you think dissing me will help you advance when ultimately it does not because really I am not a real factor in your success when I freaking don't even know you and all your ideals about me are contrived, negative and discriminatory. Its here folks, that I end any illusion that I want to be with anyone I ever met in college because I don't. They mostly are just people who are clogs, people who are soulless, people who want to believe in God but spite God himself by spiting the spirit of romantics and any commonplace socialization that surely when done by civilized people does not veneer and careen and go off the rails to full on terrorism by a means of grave confound disrespect for all that could be spiritual and yet divine. There were good people I am sure but I did not even know their name and really much never spoke to them to even say much at all about them; pretty much deprived of any good thing either way.

Its here I am to say that the Ladyquest is often a joking modification of a darker history where I am not being totally honest of the impact of these people behaving the uncivil way they did when it was long a precedent for people to treat me this way in such disdain that harmed my health and my sense of peace and self and freedom greatly along with that to even move on and not have the same shit happen. The great thing is some ugly ass cunt at the top can enjoy theirselves that so many people choose to do the wrong thing. Some ugly ass cunt can enjoy theirselves they literally preyed on a kid's romantic life and made it impossible for them to attain anything due to the imagery and legacy of abuse they allowed as something golden and good. And really much I can say this as I made an effort to break this trend but every little racist know it all knew it better that I was going to knock them up. How self indulgent can you even be? The thing is that I already could not even be myself around people but then even more a person could not even trust people who would turn tail to what they heard and what they were encouraged to do if not by family, not by school region regime or false sense of self preservation through these means which all just sources of misinformation and ultimately driven racism if not evil. Never can these bold people even ask me how I feel about sticking a part of my body into theirs to create another body. They want to dream it but fuck I find it disgusting that I would have sex with people who ultimately are a snail in the pace of a mind and just are very contrived and unkind. Imagine the shit they think actually happening; I would not even have that much value in even doing that because I did not even love these people and I barely even knew them. A person could have loved them if they got to know them over time but people just like their hate; rush to a conclusion. But I cannot love these people especially when they want to pretend they know me and know my history. When they act as if they are special and what their behavior is cute and endearing and that people are going to fight for them as if this is some spatial meant to be legacy relationship that never is because they never put any time and effort to realize who I am and who they are and really much; how could I be that to them when I have been that time and time again to people in their heads and all the same hated as if I am keeping them in a cage of what they want to foremost believe. I am not making people like me; I only come on the cusp of the social reaction that says they do. People think they can just do anything they wish with me. Any nonsense at all and that it will be true but the joke is on them because whatever they believe will never come true ironically through their own violation of what they want to achieve and have such spatial importance if not divine importance to meeting me.

I was being fucking nice by appeasing these ideas in the first place as it is logical to go after people who seem available and go off the means of availability. I did nothing wrong but be lenient and so just become a placeholder for all the little women who rush here and there in their heads and frankly if a person had power-they would rush all these people into a mental hospital and make sure they never get the fuck out because what they do is disgusting and if you are religious of any kind; its act against God and anything divine. These people are just defilers who have no means of actualizing anything that is just everyday to even do. They choose to be this way and they aren't shy but fearful. Fearful to the point of illogical violence. I just am to say that a person would not miss these women if they never existed to their mind's eye and if they never met them. These people are just privileged brutes who think their behavior is acceptable when its just ugly, cowardly, rude, racist, contrite and evil. Just think how it would be if I as a man ever led women on and goated on how subtlety in act and in violence that "they were my meant to be" but yet not as exactly as I wanted or rebelled against these ideas I set forth to harm them. Surely a person would not get by with doing this. These people can dealt out pain but cannot take it theirselves. These people are cruel and will do anything to hate you. They will do anything to get back at you for nothing but nonsense in their heads you aren't guilty of. They have to go to lengths to conceive things that are everyday norms.

These people have made me go up when I wanted to go down. They made me move to the left when I wanted to go right. They throw me around and they twirl me around just because these people want to play games. I am done with these games and really much a person is in a place that such they are like finally free from the gaze and then some pressure to give them an expression back. I am done with these people and really much will tell you that these women are just a means to an end of a machine that is basically racism working so deeply to deprive a person of any peace and any respect as a human being.