Jamie< Julie. The full story.

   I could write for months and still not have any direction behind a writing about my relationship with an individual called Julie. I could write for months and then it would all break down because I would fall down into tears and just not complete anything. This is why a person will write an outline that is comprehensive but also not going to spend so much time on things. Like; honestly the whole experience I look back and realize it was painful. Only a person would like being withheld water in a desert if they were a masochist but I was not. I think that I came away from that experience with this person feeling ugly and just as if I was not even good enough and I am to reflect that that's something that I don't want to spend much time on because it just brings back bad memories. I mean like fucking; I am to say that if roles were reversed and I was a woman and they were a male people would surely right away have understanding that a person was just used for emotional support and not more. Alas, I write  these bullet points to minimize the time I even have to invest in the effort of telling the story.  I don't want to leave anything out but I cannot stay in the same mind forever.

Just the start. ( early summer 2018)

I messaged her one night. Maybe I should not have even be on the internet chatting with her. Honestly, it took so much effort to talk to her and at first she thought it was not me but slowly came to speaking terms.

It was doomed from the start but optimism.( Later summer 2018)

I would tell her that I liked her in the past but she said that she was different "now". She was no longer Christian and just slept around. This was around the time period where she tried to ask me if I slept with anyone and went on this interesting note about people of different races having sex together and how people she knew like the difference in skin color. I think this was a red flag but also what was a red flag was her saying that she would never meet me in person. I did not quiet get it at first what she meant but later, oh, I would understand. She was like trying to ask me if I used lotion because her "black friends" told her that black people have to use lotion on their skin. I mean; jeez-it seemed innocent but with the disclaimer; I will never see you in public-its spells things out. Over this time period we would learn more things about each other but I think that I played it safe and stayed away from anything edgy or ever going in this race talking topic again. I mean when I said I did not do certain things that I was being nice to say I did not use like lotion; she said, " you don't take care of yourself". Maybe a person just does not like being an oily fish and rather I took offence and I just revealed something I would never ever tell a girl in real life just for the one I told it to mock me. But I kept on. I mean like just a small jab it was. She admitted she did not take care of herself.

Lacking fucks given as I message her throughout my sleep. ( Northern trip)

I would be in this trip I did not want to be on for my father becoming a lawyer in Newyork and she would take the side of my father. Like honestly? What the fuck is that? I mean that was kinda of a red flag right there. I think that any woman who is anything like my father or agrees with him would not be someone I should even bother with. Honestly, I did not blame her for her having this "opinion" but just kept giving her a chance. Like what are you supposed to? Storm rage at a person who sides with a dude who thinks anime is a cartoon?

Giving too much attention. ( fall 2018)

I think that I involved her too much into my life and just spoke to her as a friend and maybe more when she really was not. But just someone who just wanted to use me or seem as if they cared so they could get more "emotional support" and still look down on me. Oh, did this person look down on me.

Trying too hard. ( later fall 2018 through Christmas)

I guess that it might be overshadowed by things I did in fall 2018 nearest Christmas aka make an entire Zino Flyboy comic in three days which was 108 pages all together but I spoke to Julie several times through the holiday. Not really told her what was going on just the gist of things. You know the male thing were you got to inflate things to look good. Was I just about to murder the holiday with hardwork? Maybe and yes I was because guess what my father got under my skin. I just wanted to prove I could best these prescriptions that I was not good enough and this forbidding spector by these past girls, my parents and anyone else that I could be success in creating a comic using all I had put everything on the line for earlier. Like shit; I am to tell you a person at this point unconsciously and consciously I did not tell Julie about my intentions for what I was doing because I did not trust her. She was just like another clog apart of the same university bs chatter that so ego filled of hubris and hate to what they don't know. Aka, at this point I could not trust her even though she upvoted a post on instagram in which I revealed I was tired of people. You can say that person felt betrayed. After all they earlier just took my father's side.

Pursing my lips for respect ( early 2019)

I am so to say that I kinda really did not care about Julie for a time period. She was just doing and saying too fuck much that really did not phase me. She lived this wannabe socialite life and still does which is the complete opposite of me. Honestly, I more like a person who does not spend much money and is disciplined. How ever else would a person make 25 series and figure out the mechanics to do that? Like where did she get all the money. I mean, in the time period from when I started to speak to her to this time period, I would always speak to her via mobile means but I stopped doing that in this time period aka I was tired of being around a person who literally had no direction but party and party and party and spectacle and spectacle. Like how do you think you are innocent when you literally commit to being misinformed and taken a back by things that don't fit your narrative as a coping mechanism.

Advantages( March to May2019)

Some people like to have it both ways and this girl called Julie wanted me to go to sleep earlier with her so we would be more productive. I am to say "we" in language got me excited. But surely she backed out of the shit when she gained what she wanted of emotional support and really much it came to me as I was watching the Sword Art Online spin off that I really did not want to be doing this shit anymore.

Not giving up ( Summer 2019)

Over this summer she would go to China to visit her family or some shit and basically I would not hear much from her. I mean, I did not want to be getting into her space but really I just to say that one felt sad  she did not message. The rest of this summer, I just wrote her off as just another friend because she was annoying the living fuck out of me with her indifference. Literally; ah, a person had been baited to do whatever just for a chance at a closer connection to her.  I had to focus on my comics instead of doing whatever she wanted and of whatever game she was after.

Last golden age (Fall 2019)

I think I was very bitter in private to her if I was not earlier because of how I felt used and she just kept on to her, " I will never see you in public" shit. I started to lose hope and faith that I could ever convince her to see me. But really should a person? I realized that a person should not have to convince another see another that they obviously gave emotional support. I wanted to be like normal people or rather actually see the girl in public and that we could be a couple but that was to never happen and that was the last thing on my mind at the end of this year anyways. I was too focused on my comics projects, self betterment and school to be bothered with continuing this narrative of a tired underdog. I just started to feel sick of the situation and it took some mental effort on my part to even see her as I did in the past.

Who even are you? (Spring 2020)

So basically by this time I spoke only sparingly to Julie. Every once in a while. Kinda of the only girl in my life at the point because there was the corona virus outbreak if you remember that thing happening and really much I just focused on school. I don't think I spoke to her much as really what is there is to even say to a person who tell you  that you could be a father to someone else when you never asked them to say that. All a person just wanted was an opportunity to have a girlfriend but yea go for the higher estate of marriages and co-parenting or some shit. As if I am actually going to knock up anyone at my point in life but maybe racist expectations got you thinking that if you meet with me, that's what I am going to do. Like what the fuck. I mean; how many years had I been ringing around the posey in talking to this girl and she never changed her tune but just honed in and said, " I am innocent". I would say that she was not innocent at all but just a person who really got on my fucking nerves with her false innocence. I think a person gets the picture that they aren't welcomed. I just started to speak less to her and sometimes she would contact me first and I just did not really want to speak to her. There was nothing there to even do. I was just defeated and really much reasoned nothing should be done.

She's changed. ( Early Summer 2020)

I think that I saw a large change in this person from being a person who claimed she did not take care of herself to a person who was a try hard socialite who just changed their purpose to any olde goal by this time period. I mean; she wanted to invest in tech or have a tech job and I think she was just following the gold of money and did not actually want to do it. When I asked her why it was a very generic answer. "I am just interested in it and it looks like you can do some good with it" is her answer. That just whispered to me like," I want to be Zuckerberg" aka being people who think they help and add value to things when they just take away. I think that she just wanted an easy solution to wealth. I just for a time stopped speaking to her and then she would not speak to me. I was too busy trying to pass the Business Law class and still do comics to even be concerned about her really much but in my opinion she was just going into the wrong direction and yea this would impact our relationship. Suddenly it became a fight between psuedo self improvement and actual self improvement.

A paused period of indifference ( Mid Summer 2020)

I would say for a time I definitely did not speak to her and she did not speak to me and really much a person just felt as if this was the ending.

Later Summer and she's gone (summer 2020)

Suddenly it became a fight between psuedo self improvement and actual self improvement. When I messaged her one day to tell her that I had succeeded at this very complex gambit which was the law class she congratulated me but she really did not even mean it. I mean it felt got to be congratulated by her as I never came to her with any of my accomplishments really much to such a heavy level. I took some efforts to never tell her about Zino Flyboy so this was my last fuck to see if she actually would care and not try to back stab me or distance herself from me because of the effort of me passing the law class. What did she do? She distanced herself from me. I had to message her eventually and she just took it her goal to make statements as if she was breaking from me and then I was just tired and just be fake nice because really much; she just was not the one. She was just another clog against me that was in the bed aside me and just not improving anything in my life. The girl was a snake in the bed. What I feared would come true came true. The moment I ever entrusted her with anything real and true of my accomplishments that I wanted to tell someone and get support for what an effort the fucking thing was; she just turned on me as it no longer confirmed I was some weakling who was lesser and did not take care of himself. I mean I was just done, " so that's how its going to be". Ironically she would shove away me away as if she was actually my girlfriend but no, she was just a friend. Nothing more and nothing else; but she just was being fucking rude. I mean I think the person knew what I wanted in the relationship but I was done. Like play coy while you say time and time again people aren't good enough; a person gets the picture. They were wrong for wanting you and all this shit and a person should not ever have tried, good luck in being a socialite and then I never spoke to her again. I do say that she was smart and maybe a person like that cannot play dumb to what they were doing.  

    I would say that there was this spirit of hope in me that just died and I just realized there was no future definitely there. I needed to just move on and well a person did but there was no one else out there because of olde corona virus and if there was it was too dangerous to meet them as always. The old friend I would meet again after her in the online presence and texting throughout the remainder of summer until March 2021 was just not smart and really much was just a person who wasted their potential. I am to say that person realizes they would not date a person below the intelligence level of Julie or social understanding at least so at least the whole relationship just affirmed be twice over what to be warned in women so frankly no women who you knew from the past where to be welcomed if you wanted any sanity at all. So there it is; the whole story of things in summary with Julie. Apparently an "artist person" cannot get engaged in the summer business law class and keep their whatever some whatever intimate relationship going. Do well in a hard class you would have failed at 19, maybe and you are the bad guy because artists aren't supposed to be smart. But yea, I digress, artists are just people.