Against the defacto-pseudo caring about academic needs group.

     I drew the particular "cast members of fall 2014". I can say that when a person is to speak on "love", it meant a whole lot to me. If I gave enough to keep your name on my tongue or in my mind, you truly meant alot to me and actually I believed you meant alot to me. There was no question but just how to return to seeing such people again. The people of then were actually cowards and just grunts of the defacto-pseudo caring about academic needs group. Sheered at me likely for not being them and essentially just going to school to learn nothing but look on people who dareth actually do anything in life that required guts. These poor souls thought I meant returning to the academic center where I left but I meant truly how was I ever going to be with them again. Everything of their interest was transactional, I later realized. Only because I appeared there and played some role they cared but the moment I left to do anything else the magic was gone. These people never liked me, never respected and certainly never loved me even if they would use all their means to communicate these ideas but never say them. I have learned a great thing. A person who only wants to communicate their love for you in other means than in person and refuses to meet with you in person is not that great of a person. They are cowards. I wanted to see them again and just work out unresolved feelings but they had no brains or culture for that. But just doubt, just fear and just make up bullshit to say," the circumstance is not normal". Yet neither would these people admit their actions were abnormal.

     To conclude that paragraph above, if I met you in fall 2013 and you seemed to cherish me-I cherished you. I hoped people could be adults about things. That people have some unresolved things and things they could not do well in the environment. I was not asking for permission. I did what was right just to not burden people with my plans knowing they had no real resolute motives to live their lives. I mean, somewhat how gullible can you be to believe the stuff you believed in fall 2013 and the spring 2014? So very gullible if just so lacking in self will you have no control of your own behavior? Nonsense. Everyone has control over their own behavior. I choose to not make people's lives messy and well-as long as people live truly they could carve out their own paths. I am to say no one gave a damn that I did anything of a courtesy to keep them out of the danger and drama that followed me that oddly was just what they had cooked up.  I mean, you can be so stupid to cook up something that almost gets rid of you-there is really no helping you. You really are just a person who just wants chaos and destruction even if it harms you greatly in the end.

     I always speak from my heart but all I would ever hear are these people speak would be fucking lies. I am to say that leaving the college was an easy thing to do but the reality after was not but it was better than the alternative. These people I so coveted could never see alternatives like natural people. They had become drunk on privilege and really just lived for drama and hidden violence. I am to tell you that I don't have that much of  an tolerance for the themes of people looking at me all cheery as if they know me. I mean some months ago there was a woman who I usually saw in the park but by never approaching them I just pushed them away, insulted them and their integrity and just forsaked their feelings. But how many times had I allowed myself to feel and fall for people. In this fall 2014, I would go ragged and I mean ragged inspired that these people were at the end of the tunnel in part. There is something of violence I surely did not have tolerate but a person did to stay in the loop and keep in the loop of information. I felt my purpose was just to pledge loyalty to figuring things out with that group of people.  Eventually I did but by then, I just wasted all the good graces the fall 2014 had in the good people that were there.

    I am to say that I cared about love then greatly and it was no trivial thing. I did not feel as if I had to do certain things to even make myself acceptable or things to run smoothly without people turning on me. I felt I belonged. I felt there was no real rival but then with the people then-they felt more real. They were surely not hiding under masks it seemed. But where the people before hiding under masks. I would later realize yes, because they were just violent people who wanted to fit into a violent culture the school created. I was devoted to the wrong people. If people said jump, I jumped and if people said leap- I lept and really much that is how I was so akin to these people.

    Such the thing that at the beginning of this journey really, I had no one really for me and no one wanting to achieved what I wanted. Had no ability to go out there but to ditch people who were actually there even though I tired to do my best to reach even them-to please their ideas of me. It just did not work as I was just caught up in the stuff of before with no type of counsel or even friends to tell me anything at all. Completely alone a person just strived for what was right but yet people were out and ready to just do wrong. I was trying to learn comics, succeed at school, please two different groups of women and really it just all went wrong when you were caught between all these things. I am to say things would never become easier unless I moved to make them easier. By the time a person could actually just "pander" to "right ways of approaching people" , the people were convinced I was just the devil and they were saints for the medicority, lack of experience, control and ultimately ambition to do anything.

     The early days of fall 2014 were not easy and really much I think I did a bad job in the past of communicating this as if one was to be ashamed. The only people who were ashamed were the people whose asses I kissed like a bitch over and over until their precious lies and fun was revealed. I am not a narcissistic to make anything up but people surely enjoyed having someone at their beck and call to believe they were special but then surely thought I was inferior. Yet they always never saw me for the me I was. This lacking inferior image which you assume they did not have but in time and action it becomes clear. What was potential love just grew into hate by their own actions and their own accords. I tried greatly to do something but never was it enough for those who were pleasured and privileged and high in the clouds. Those on earth with me where just dealt the injustice of trying to reach out yet never realizing there was more to the story of me and somewhat a person did not want to open up to anymore people. Or even talk about their problems because what would these strangers even do? Where they even doing the same thing as I was or even came from the same place to attempt what I was doing? No, they would have just pushed you in some wrong ways and in the end, it just would not have worked out under the stress of things that be-your goal would have become the subject of blame as these self imposed "gods" towered over you to make things hell. But then again; you realize these people actually had love to give. They actually tried to communicate with you because you were who they wanted. Never would such people pretty much come again but just in a trickle in the time I was at that community college. If they were to be stars upon the Earth; a person felt too down in the mud, too dusty and terrorized to bother them in their beauty. I refused to realize a legacy of me letting these people go in spring 2019 because I was still scared of circumstances where people would turn on me or get hurt in some way because of me. But truly a person would never dare harm these stars by vesting time and energy in spending time with them. Surely those in the clouds would be laughing hauntily.

   But yet you realize that you have to at the end just put things to a finality. Bring these open ended questions to light and to resolution. No, those people did not love you from the fall 2013 or the spring 2014. You were just a convenience for a fun time and not even a person. There is to say in the next and new Dessacrow Academy, there will be apart of the story in which everything will go back into the past. Just show how different things were in the past in the good olde community college and the circumstances then and how they became wasteful and dangerous in fall 2014.