Brutal Letter of Realization.

 Alas, I apologize to Allison. 

When I came out from highschool I was in a tough place and still trying to reach my goals.

I am so sorry I could not be the "one" for you. How you held your gaze.

How the circumstances did not allow.

How you took my actions to benefit you from constant harassment for granted. 

How you never realized I was the self less one going out of my way to try to accommodate you when I was just done with romance. How much you never realized I was protecting you from those which were around me. How you just lived a life free of any bane of responsibility or pondering how your actions affected another and just shamelessly believed a myth that I had done you wrong by not coming to be the "one".

In truth it was I who needed some one and not the other way around but society's fiendish matrix around masculinity covers anything healthy and mentally so. If you wanted me, you should have come and gotten me instead of just saying things in front of me and then walking away. Should I apologize for not being "man enough" to get you by my side. The answer is no. A person just was dead on without support in their effort and just pulling everything in them to do that. Everything else was secondary. It was not convenient to take on some stranger who really could do you harm and just mess up your life but it turns out that you would aim to ruin it. Pushing this macho unhealthiness towards my way and never ceasing from that path. Expecting me to impale myself on something that was never promising for me ever even before. As if people live in the same place where they are even good chances of social relationships that lead into romantics. No, a person lived in a shit hole of socials.

To ask a person who was shunned most of their life to even just go an ask a person they don't trust already by their privileged mentality was out of the question. You thought you knew me. That I was about school pride and all this college stuff? I just wanted the fucking shit to be over with and while a person did appreciate that they were liked; there are so many more complex things a person had to navigate through. The incessant hatred for their creativity from their parents that they were trying to escape. Trying to launch a business around comics when in school with a bunch of closeted bigots and just false representation spewed around as well not knowing how to make comics. The emotional hurt from past attempts that went no where in the shit hole that was before because it was a shit hole. The lacking self confidence from people, your parents and just everyone putting you down. Who the fuck you thought I was? God?  Who do you think I was; some person who had it all figured out? Fuck, no, you choose to believe I was something more and just believed in a toxic mentality that reigned in on masculinity. Maybe a person had a demeanor that was cold, bold and all that bad boy stuff because no one gave a fuck about them, who they truly were and what they wanted to do.

We now live in an era where information is at anyone's reach and all people can do is get naked and twerk. I think it speaks volumes to how certain people will never get along and don't even need to be together. Some people give up on their real goals and settle for whatever that will make them rich. Like you settled for whatever degree you got your mitts on and just lived a life of not caring for the great things and the disciplines. I never got angry at a stranger living their life but just trying to include me in their life in a way that is a more than a bit assholic. You did not even know me and yet tried to enforced these toxic masculinity themes onto me. How was I to even have confidence?

Even if I had confidence once, I surely wasted it on another individual who my roommate just fucked over and I mean just used the person. There is your toxic masculinity and what it gets you and just got under my skin thinking I could not do anything. Lived in a paralysis that anyone I would try to speak to this guy would get the better of me. Just highschool all over again but dare I say I tried but realized how those placed amongst me were just like parasites and venomous to even recognizing they were impeding in another's space and had done anything wrong. I gave into the whole masculinity thing and tried to be with you in a way that you would not be targeted by someone's lecherous roommate who just did not have any comprehension of staying in his fucking lane. But there was no way to even speak to you without this bitch getting the up after all I lived with this clown thanks to the "pleasureful" roommate assignments. There was no great opportunity for any happy ending because if I saw this guy with you; I would beat the crap out of him-this snake that just fucked over so much already and treated women like playthings. This dude could charm some many women to even come in a crib that smelled like vomit because he puked in there. Like Jesus. What magic should a person work?

You expected me to honestly believe you would not be persuaded by this dude, believe the nonsense of rumor mill people around me and that you somehow would be able to even relate to my unprivileged life? I did try but obviously one is not smart enough to think of anything to even remove the roomate from even being a possibility and/or all the fake people nearest you that you made the grave mistake of meeting. I hardly even saw you and how was I to do anything? Though I tried. English was the only class I had with you and boy that teacher was set on making sure I could never speak to you in class or after it. Basically pulling me from any great chances of contacting you without doing any collateral damage!

For a while I thought I had lost until Thanksgiving I heard you speaking with your sister about me in the hall. I wanted to speed up and talk to you and realized that was not the best time to do anything really much and that another time would come but no other times came not even that semester. I kept getting delayed by the teacher, just being slow to even reach you coming outside the class to even speak to you and just all in all the people inside that class weren't ever helpful in making me fell welcomed to be there in the first place.  Fake diversity yea, everyone is welcomed but those who are black and not white pandering or a tool athlete?  I mean, I did not get along with the black dude in the hat and surely enough everyone only respected the basketball player because he was a basketball player and fell into a neat stereotype. I am to say that there was no chance for me to even make any communication of good intentions aka one which would not introduce you to unsavory people. I thought you were not a bad person then but boy I was wrong.

For all my attempts to include you in my life as bad as things were and how bad the straits were in this place that was to be a "new beginning", it would always fail. There were some times to speak to you in the semester later at the very end but in that elevator I could not just break the thought that by speaking to you would just get you "used" by my roommate and just ruin everything as it did the previous girl. You were just better off without me. To live a life away from that could be. But yet I am to realize you would never live in clean freedom from wrong when you were a friend with a guy who literally had no honor and just was a rat. A rat who would say anything and yap for hours and hours upon end who would just like whisper nonsense in your ear. But you were already akin to listening to nonsense being privileged and all that. Thinking that when you live in the lap of basic luxury and luxury from even making real decisions to even do what matters to you ( I assume you just had a set path to follow like many faux academics who only go to school because of their parents and their desires); you were just going to believe delicate lies to protect your privileged view of things and people. Just would lie to yourself in the first place that you even knew me and never made an real decision to even speak to me but speak in front of me as if I was to do all the hard work. But literally; you were the only person who had the power to say what you wanted to say but you never did. Never thinking that people aren't as lucky as you or even as well liked or appreciated as you to even engage people without some one ruining it all.

You just kept running with a person should endeavor into toxic masculinity just to chase you when it was very arduous for them to without crossing moral lines that they live by. Urgently this says that you aren't moral expecting people to do things to harm you just for a benefit that would never come if they did. Oh, your friend, the dude with the honor of a rat often talked about how he liked you and so if I even ever stated that I liked you as well; things would have gotten heated in the little group of rumor mill people and I don't think the outcome would have been so great for me. Yet listened to this buggard; who just was all in all the real creepy guy  no one wanted to realize him for. It would be this dude who would eventually traitor me seemingly trying to push out "competition" when he realized that I liked you as well reading this site after I left that school. On that note; you can say that its over now that when you listen to this buggard, these rumor mill people, never actually knew me in the first place and forced toxic masculinity upon me/lit ambitions of you wanting to speak to me but never doing it yourself and all this culminating in you pushing my venture for you into being aggressive and creepy when it what you wanted. I did not have to do anything for you in how bare bones my life was. I will say that ultimately you add nothing into it but just took away especially when you choose to just listen to convenient myths when you knew what you believed before in who I was. It only changed when I was not there anymore and other people could narrate some tale about me just because I hung out with them and listened to them speak and its very rude they would say such bad things about me because I listened to so much bullshit but that's showing of their character. I did not even know of those people who really would try to claim to know me. Really much suffer the same affliction as you and just would tell lies about a person. A person who was doing right by theirselves escaping a toxic and unwelcoming environment. Like fuck the dorms when all you get is some bitch roommate always sleeping with someone you like and having no remorse; all but destroying the bro code. Also the school was just a racist shithole not that you could know living a life of literally no racial recognition of how things of race affected things around campus.

When you never knew a person and they go out of their way to speak to you or try to or even treat you as a person should-thinking that they are some bad enigma based on the lies of other people is some fucking joke. You never actually even liked them or even really much cared about them but your own vision of them and your needs. Your needs which are just the amount of continuing to ironically live in blissful ignorance of a person, people of different races and just the bare minimal about reality. Just in the end  you live a life that is just privileged and one where you cannot even be tasked to live your own damn life and do what you want. No, some fake fascist nation in the form of an university has to be holding your fucking hand and you cannot even be tasked to even think for yourself. Never gave me a chance to speak for myself and never first even gave me a chance to even define myself and next just tried to act as if I am some big bad that no one could be. You made yourself your own problem because you refused to act for yourself but just wait for someone to make your ideal become reality. I am so sorry I never got to make it a reality but there was no way and even if I did; ideally a person would not even want to do the level of privileged shit you did. Fraternity, sorority, who the fuck cares about that shit?  Kudos, I might have always drawn you blond on ever post your rat friend would rat out to you and the views would go up but that is because secretly you were no different from the teacher; just the same instance of privilege and austere sacrilege against true progressive behavior for those at a diverse school.

I have felt for years that you be watching this blog through the connection to your rat friend and just I am all here to say that enough is enough; you were never a good person and ideally were a waste of time deeming on how you give no fucks on betraying any spirit of good intentions to even try to get to know a person but demonize a person when they distance theirselves from an institutions of fool's gold and fools like you! I am so sorry I could never enlighten your bitch ass that you are a bit of a tool with no free will cause you choose. I mean; how are you going to have feelings for a person and you don't even try to do anything to reach that person when you should have been so free of conscious to just make everything up as you go along like everything in social relationships is your art canvas. Yes, I make real art but you make real art out of being a social fuck up.

Alas, I apologize to you that a person could never educate you on the fact that you are a social fuck up of immense and great proportions and yea, when your rat friend comes scurrying realize he's only doing it to get in with you and nothing else. Fuck you.