klomi
The following is based off what I wrote in the original Country Corps book however it was too grizzly for the public to review and too much to explain as well.
Day 1 year 1
I stayed up late. I never really went to sleep. Sometimes I undress myself partially to think I have a union with someone who does not exist and probably if he did- I would have trouble getting to him.
I stay up late, I see this dude walking around. He's okay and I am suddenly comfortable in stripping down for him but I can never say it and he ponders something as if to ask me and then walks away.
Could I force myself to do it; ask him out for just a day- a night and maybe that time would turn to forever, but I cannot as I realize that there are other things that are suddenly more important and I am filled with essential dread. Essential hatred perhaps for the surroundings, I see people injured and try not to recognize them and once I do-its hard to see what I am seeing. All around me is war and sometimes I sleep to get rid of it and then I awaken to see it and then I am sometimes awakened by it.
Its just a warzone on the other side and everyone here acts so friendly and so healthy like everything is okay, I never speak about it. Never. I look around the ocean of what could be nausea and people and find that in people there is him; there is something comforting about him and I do not know what.
But I find that I regret ever not speaking to him and wonder if he ever feels the same about me.
There is another dude and he seems to be filled with malice, but his peculiar outset is so normal. As if he is going along with things but there is something else. As if his malice is not toward people but to a place...I smile but I leave him alone to be in this myth. Perhaps he knows as well. But whatever mystery I have I let it be. But soon I regret it.
Day 2 year 2
I have had a stroke of hope. A stroke of hope indeed. A hope that became real. This guy. I saw the previous year has finally become mine and one day. Of the dizzy of heart felt relationship I found myself crazy to reveal the inner heart of myself to him. All the memories led to that point and dizzying when he touched me, ended. I found he was cold, he was wet. I found he was cruel and did not respect my ungivings stripped down. He fully stripped me in a vulgar manner and I followed in a vulgar manner that was in the atmosphere of this war scraped place. An explosion sounded. That was my heart breaking.
By this year. I mean by the fall of this year. The guy of peculiar interest was gone, he had vanished and left me all alone to wonder who or what he was. Why he did what he did and why I was the only one who felt like this place was a warzone. I struggled to keep still and eventually the facade, I had with this guy ended. Where are you? Anyone who cares? This one guy cared about the world and now he's gone; the upmost cruelty. I have to find a way forward and a way out! Without falling out, and its draining but I think I can manage by myself and some close friends.
Day 3 year 3
By this time I engage in what I call a do not act and do not tell ritual. But I slowly acted in secret. I had enough, everything was dominated by this inner politics and enough was enough. I had reached passed this naive segment of begin. I had become someone who saw the truth and eventually the warzone slowly got better around me and because of myself effort to help and conspire against the system. We acted so friendly. Thinking that we were so Gods, over a people hiding to keep the truth a secret. I am afraid of many people as I uncover their inner secrets allow the worst to happen. And do the worst. I wish I went with that guy from a while back, where ever he went, everywhere is better than here. What is the point of this place in the first place, what worth does all this have to me but commitment? Am I just to work till I die and never reach the surface of what ever I want to do.
I reach the surface of what I want in the form of this younger boy by one year. My favorite thing to do is take off my top for him. Maybe I should actually go for my dreams instead of just fighting and abiding by this place and its hatred in part and then enacting later. I decide to share with this boy, he does not run away and looks at me obediently, " Klomi how can I help?" I ponder getting friends involved thus even the risk of them being these secret murderers. But I realize pretty quickly I can only rely on myself and even the guy I brought in has second thought least until I make him see the light. Something is getting heated. And the atmosphere, the war is only getting worse and worse.
Day 4 year 4
By here again, I am alone and my friend of past has skipped off with some younger girl and I am basically wondering if he is cheating when I know he is and especially can hear the details. I found somehow that when I engage in these activities. I am saving people's lives from being fucked over. And then one day I see the peculiar sights.And then I sort of see him again in that warzone, he has returned and so has my hope in humanity and living- I do not feel so alone. Its a kinship that is friendship but something extremely said to be even more. I feel good. In helping ending the warzone and one day it is gone and all is left are pines and I feel one with nature and finally can sleep and the effort forward in my life becomes ever easier. I eventually get up the courage and leave the younger guy, maybe there is someone better out there for me.
Day 1 year 1
I stayed up late. I never really went to sleep. Sometimes I undress myself partially to think I have a union with someone who does not exist and probably if he did- I would have trouble getting to him.
I stay up late, I see this dude walking around. He's okay and I am suddenly comfortable in stripping down for him but I can never say it and he ponders something as if to ask me and then walks away.
Could I force myself to do it; ask him out for just a day- a night and maybe that time would turn to forever, but I cannot as I realize that there are other things that are suddenly more important and I am filled with essential dread. Essential hatred perhaps for the surroundings, I see people injured and try not to recognize them and once I do-its hard to see what I am seeing. All around me is war and sometimes I sleep to get rid of it and then I awaken to see it and then I am sometimes awakened by it.
Its just a warzone on the other side and everyone here acts so friendly and so healthy like everything is okay, I never speak about it. Never. I look around the ocean of what could be nausea and people and find that in people there is him; there is something comforting about him and I do not know what.
But I find that I regret ever not speaking to him and wonder if he ever feels the same about me.
There is another dude and he seems to be filled with malice, but his peculiar outset is so normal. As if he is going along with things but there is something else. As if his malice is not toward people but to a place...I smile but I leave him alone to be in this myth. Perhaps he knows as well. But whatever mystery I have I let it be. But soon I regret it.
Day 2 year 2
I have had a stroke of hope. A stroke of hope indeed. A hope that became real. This guy. I saw the previous year has finally become mine and one day. Of the dizzy of heart felt relationship I found myself crazy to reveal the inner heart of myself to him. All the memories led to that point and dizzying when he touched me, ended. I found he was cold, he was wet. I found he was cruel and did not respect my ungivings stripped down. He fully stripped me in a vulgar manner and I followed in a vulgar manner that was in the atmosphere of this war scraped place. An explosion sounded. That was my heart breaking.
By this year. I mean by the fall of this year. The guy of peculiar interest was gone, he had vanished and left me all alone to wonder who or what he was. Why he did what he did and why I was the only one who felt like this place was a warzone. I struggled to keep still and eventually the facade, I had with this guy ended. Where are you? Anyone who cares? This one guy cared about the world and now he's gone; the upmost cruelty. I have to find a way forward and a way out! Without falling out, and its draining but I think I can manage by myself and some close friends.
Day 3 year 3
By this time I engage in what I call a do not act and do not tell ritual. But I slowly acted in secret. I had enough, everything was dominated by this inner politics and enough was enough. I had reached passed this naive segment of begin. I had become someone who saw the truth and eventually the warzone slowly got better around me and because of myself effort to help and conspire against the system. We acted so friendly. Thinking that we were so Gods, over a people hiding to keep the truth a secret. I am afraid of many people as I uncover their inner secrets allow the worst to happen. And do the worst. I wish I went with that guy from a while back, where ever he went, everywhere is better than here. What is the point of this place in the first place, what worth does all this have to me but commitment? Am I just to work till I die and never reach the surface of what ever I want to do.
I reach the surface of what I want in the form of this younger boy by one year. My favorite thing to do is take off my top for him. Maybe I should actually go for my dreams instead of just fighting and abiding by this place and its hatred in part and then enacting later. I decide to share with this boy, he does not run away and looks at me obediently, " Klomi how can I help?" I ponder getting friends involved thus even the risk of them being these secret murderers. But I realize pretty quickly I can only rely on myself and even the guy I brought in has second thought least until I make him see the light. Something is getting heated. And the atmosphere, the war is only getting worse and worse.
Day 4 year 4
By here again, I am alone and my friend of past has skipped off with some younger girl and I am basically wondering if he is cheating when I know he is and especially can hear the details. I found somehow that when I engage in these activities. I am saving people's lives from being fucked over. And then one day I see the peculiar sights.And then I sort of see him again in that warzone, he has returned and so has my hope in humanity and living- I do not feel so alone. Its a kinship that is friendship but something extremely said to be even more. I feel good. In helping ending the warzone and one day it is gone and all is left are pines and I feel one with nature and finally can sleep and the effort forward in my life becomes ever easier. I eventually get up the courage and leave the younger guy, maybe there is someone better out there for me.
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