Westlands.
One day; I came back but the dream was dead. I felt it was all fake and then I realized it was. Trying to search for my place amongst people but perhaps the only place I belonged was with you and with you all. In a place where passions collide. I remember it like yesterday. The pain surged. But I fought back with patience and writing.
You might say that I had much time to recover. But I do not know what it was; its not like I could go back home and lay in bed all day, as if that would help. Just continued what I did last year with more ambition; but the reality that lay never matched up. But maybe with friends, surely, it did not.More closer friends and interests it did.
I regret that; basically ignoring all the best romances that could have been for the sake of safety if not four ways. But the valentines is cruelty in your mind of how much out of luck you are here. They expect you to just go along with how they treat you in all these classes? Hit and miss, it was in English; I think she found excuse to give me a bad grade. Sorry, was talking to be whole objective all the while; because I was waiting for those assignments. P.S Board of Directors and talks would come from this.
Is it cruel to admit that I want to fuck and others what to fuck me? Maybe among people close in a niche, it works, but really;the niche is not everyone. And maybe some people can stand in between such a relation based on such a oddly clad thing. I find it odd, all the time I spend with people and I can't get a lunch nor dinner invite unless we are all there? At least the net humm... I do dream I can fuck one day. After all I can ensure my life. Is not tied to a dog pole.
After I nearly puked; that day of working on my ideals and then going to that zoning auditorium.
I can't give the fuck up. Hit me as many times you want, but I will not give up. I may be sick this March entry, but I have to get back up again and think about the future. This is not it for me.
Maybe I'll see a Fairy Take. I dream sometimes, not strange dreams but good dreams, where you were there with me. I hate that. Everyone looks at me with promise, but I cannot deliver, cause I know it won't work out under these premises. I can't let anyone be so harmed just by me. Or rather not me, or rather the powers that be.
The days afterward, I run around to keep healthy, that always works, I mediate to ensure I am okay and the pain just does not worm strongly back. I have things to do. I notice we don't hang as we used to, that's okay. I guess. But the patience here, is dying and all the sins imaginary multiplying. I thought I could leap over the hoop but I could not. I take up with these insults to my face, from these people, they do not know me, but hey. That's instructors guilded for ya. I just have to keep going.
I may see you twice or thrice, but all the opportunity, I never say anything much really. What good am I to not have a solution to this horrid problem I think. Should I just go to you and expect everything to work out as if this is a nice reality? I can hardly defend myself, or another. Or maybe I think too much of myself. But I can never be assured, that there is anything else to insure as me.
Your safety.
I might not say this; but friends go far and wide. Far from which that of the dream resided at least for me. I do my part as a friend, I guess and we eat together and hang out together. I guess, but I think something deeper is lacking. On those emergency day firedrills, I hang out with these girls and they say nothing- I say nothing as if we cannot decide. To do anything really. For each other. To get closer.
On the part of the fire drill girls, I did fuck up, by letting some misinformation pass as she went by. She smiled. It was something different from what I was used to. I had fun hanging out with my friends. They would be like how I was in the past and all I cared about was money. Anyways, I probably would have not figured out how to install my game. Or this other one I wanted to play.
Strangely, this gang would be the one I hung out with the most the rest of the time. Every friday or such. English however was the bitch that hit me across my head.
One day the sky was cresty and I saw you in exercise wear. Same routine. I only introduced myself cause danger was fucking near. I just left you behind, asking that so ever silly question, everything I wanted to tell you so garbled. I wish I could see you now...but mostly, I wish to see everyone now. But people have changed and perhaps have I. I could not breathe when you were not happy. I truly nearly almost cried. For a while, I was depressed, " there is still a chance".
I really hate the fact, that on the last occasions I saw my friend, I did not wave. I was put off by this danger. To realize she was there. Anime now has become sole replacement for friends.
All alone in the finale weeks, I saw her and she saw me. I kept on thinking; " I can/'t" with the "t" so minimal 5%. But I could not just let everything go, but in the scene here, I would just have let everything go. Much sunny days, the danger rises. And I recall how I seen her, too all alone. She would cry in the hall way on her phone. I would always feel sad never careful to know, how much I was held back by this honesty to be loyal to one person and one person only. Because I could never be loyal to where terms and conditions had not be set. But could I go around and talk to them all? I could have. But I learned, that really; it has bad affects on people when seen. Or should I use people as a defense mechanism, I do not think so. But throughout all this, there was still her, the girl I could never completely say anything to but tidbits, in the back of my mind. And then many others. I was sick in worrying; I thought I could just pass off everyone else with one relationship that just happened? To say. But there were many chances for that already. But I at that time took that route. And the sorrow it was. When I could not do it.
Sex was what I wanted, it was. I wanted from many. The day, I saw emergency girl behind me and then the girl who smiled at me in front of me talking to another dude, it was all okay and I wish I had passed that area quickly. However, the danger rose so hideously...! I did not want anyone to get harmed because the danger emitted from atop of the building. I thought quickly what it could be was not nice. I used the premise of the dude, to frown at both of the girls, giving the danger what it wished. At least they were safe and at least, I had saved them from being attacked by whatever unknown construct the danger was propping.
I could not recover from this, they now hated me probably and I would never see them again, least I was able to save them in my quick thinking but I had now figured out what it was the danger. And why the danger and how the danger was. It was so terrifying but incredibly real. And they had been there the entire time I realized and just being let loose as weapons of sorts. I was truly depressed.
One one of the last weeks, I saw her again at the bench and that would be at least one of the last times I would see her. There is still a chance, I had thought. But I already felt as if I had traitored her by going after other girls. I felt a strange pain in my heart. I just could not go. There was a danger.
And it spoke to me in tongues of violence. I could never forgive anyone, who associated then with a danger to manipulate them into acting this way. I just smiled and left her there, I was afraid of being ignored as she had a phone, but more so; the danger was the issue and I could not just do anything with this danger being there.
The last memorable day among the downfalling end, I saw the geography class girl, and she looked on with me; with such hope and promise that I started to believe too. That I could sort this all out. And that day; I promised as such. The last day I held the door open for a crestfallen girl of the emergency girls. She was shocked and expected something more I think.
Much of the next edge of the new semester, the start; I saw a girl, who reminded me of them.
But here, in the westlands, the dangers are large. And so I had to let her go. I ended up vying for her in the end, but because the pain from an attack just crushed the ability in me to speak, to move or to think. She was hopeful and waiting.
And then I overcame the pain. She was gone.And I never saw her again.
I never could fall in love again after all of this.
No matter how twisted the circumstances became. I could not.
But reminded of my pain, as when I notice; nothing can be as it was again.
But surely I can whilst living and breathing and thinking can find them again and hope to resolve the past as I hope to then in the past. That was my promise, and I won't break it.
You might say that I had much time to recover. But I do not know what it was; its not like I could go back home and lay in bed all day, as if that would help. Just continued what I did last year with more ambition; but the reality that lay never matched up. But maybe with friends, surely, it did not.More closer friends and interests it did.
I regret that; basically ignoring all the best romances that could have been for the sake of safety if not four ways. But the valentines is cruelty in your mind of how much out of luck you are here. They expect you to just go along with how they treat you in all these classes? Hit and miss, it was in English; I think she found excuse to give me a bad grade. Sorry, was talking to be whole objective all the while; because I was waiting for those assignments. P.S Board of Directors and talks would come from this.
Is it cruel to admit that I want to fuck and others what to fuck me? Maybe among people close in a niche, it works, but really;the niche is not everyone. And maybe some people can stand in between such a relation based on such a oddly clad thing. I find it odd, all the time I spend with people and I can't get a lunch nor dinner invite unless we are all there? At least the net humm... I do dream I can fuck one day. After all I can ensure my life. Is not tied to a dog pole.
After I nearly puked; that day of working on my ideals and then going to that zoning auditorium.
I can't give the fuck up. Hit me as many times you want, but I will not give up. I may be sick this March entry, but I have to get back up again and think about the future. This is not it for me.
Maybe I'll see a Fairy Take. I dream sometimes, not strange dreams but good dreams, where you were there with me. I hate that. Everyone looks at me with promise, but I cannot deliver, cause I know it won't work out under these premises. I can't let anyone be so harmed just by me. Or rather not me, or rather the powers that be.
The days afterward, I run around to keep healthy, that always works, I mediate to ensure I am okay and the pain just does not worm strongly back. I have things to do. I notice we don't hang as we used to, that's okay. I guess. But the patience here, is dying and all the sins imaginary multiplying. I thought I could leap over the hoop but I could not. I take up with these insults to my face, from these people, they do not know me, but hey. That's instructors guilded for ya. I just have to keep going.
I may see you twice or thrice, but all the opportunity, I never say anything much really. What good am I to not have a solution to this horrid problem I think. Should I just go to you and expect everything to work out as if this is a nice reality? I can hardly defend myself, or another. Or maybe I think too much of myself. But I can never be assured, that there is anything else to insure as me.
Your safety.
I might not say this; but friends go far and wide. Far from which that of the dream resided at least for me. I do my part as a friend, I guess and we eat together and hang out together. I guess, but I think something deeper is lacking. On those emergency day firedrills, I hang out with these girls and they say nothing- I say nothing as if we cannot decide. To do anything really. For each other. To get closer.
On the part of the fire drill girls, I did fuck up, by letting some misinformation pass as she went by. She smiled. It was something different from what I was used to. I had fun hanging out with my friends. They would be like how I was in the past and all I cared about was money. Anyways, I probably would have not figured out how to install my game. Or this other one I wanted to play.
Strangely, this gang would be the one I hung out with the most the rest of the time. Every friday or such. English however was the bitch that hit me across my head.
One day the sky was cresty and I saw you in exercise wear. Same routine. I only introduced myself cause danger was fucking near. I just left you behind, asking that so ever silly question, everything I wanted to tell you so garbled. I wish I could see you now...but mostly, I wish to see everyone now. But people have changed and perhaps have I. I could not breathe when you were not happy. I truly nearly almost cried. For a while, I was depressed, " there is still a chance".
I really hate the fact, that on the last occasions I saw my friend, I did not wave. I was put off by this danger. To realize she was there. Anime now has become sole replacement for friends.
All alone in the finale weeks, I saw her and she saw me. I kept on thinking; " I can/'t" with the "t" so minimal 5%. But I could not just let everything go, but in the scene here, I would just have let everything go. Much sunny days, the danger rises. And I recall how I seen her, too all alone. She would cry in the hall way on her phone. I would always feel sad never careful to know, how much I was held back by this honesty to be loyal to one person and one person only. Because I could never be loyal to where terms and conditions had not be set. But could I go around and talk to them all? I could have. But I learned, that really; it has bad affects on people when seen. Or should I use people as a defense mechanism, I do not think so. But throughout all this, there was still her, the girl I could never completely say anything to but tidbits, in the back of my mind. And then many others. I was sick in worrying; I thought I could just pass off everyone else with one relationship that just happened? To say. But there were many chances for that already. But I at that time took that route. And the sorrow it was. When I could not do it.
Sex was what I wanted, it was. I wanted from many. The day, I saw emergency girl behind me and then the girl who smiled at me in front of me talking to another dude, it was all okay and I wish I had passed that area quickly. However, the danger rose so hideously...! I did not want anyone to get harmed because the danger emitted from atop of the building. I thought quickly what it could be was not nice. I used the premise of the dude, to frown at both of the girls, giving the danger what it wished. At least they were safe and at least, I had saved them from being attacked by whatever unknown construct the danger was propping.
I could not recover from this, they now hated me probably and I would never see them again, least I was able to save them in my quick thinking but I had now figured out what it was the danger. And why the danger and how the danger was. It was so terrifying but incredibly real. And they had been there the entire time I realized and just being let loose as weapons of sorts. I was truly depressed.
One one of the last weeks, I saw her again at the bench and that would be at least one of the last times I would see her. There is still a chance, I had thought. But I already felt as if I had traitored her by going after other girls. I felt a strange pain in my heart. I just could not go. There was a danger.
And it spoke to me in tongues of violence. I could never forgive anyone, who associated then with a danger to manipulate them into acting this way. I just smiled and left her there, I was afraid of being ignored as she had a phone, but more so; the danger was the issue and I could not just do anything with this danger being there.
The last memorable day among the downfalling end, I saw the geography class girl, and she looked on with me; with such hope and promise that I started to believe too. That I could sort this all out. And that day; I promised as such. The last day I held the door open for a crestfallen girl of the emergency girls. She was shocked and expected something more I think.
Much of the next edge of the new semester, the start; I saw a girl, who reminded me of them.
But here, in the westlands, the dangers are large. And so I had to let her go. I ended up vying for her in the end, but because the pain from an attack just crushed the ability in me to speak, to move or to think. She was hopeful and waiting.
And then I overcame the pain. She was gone.And I never saw her again.
I never could fall in love again after all of this.
No matter how twisted the circumstances became. I could not.
But reminded of my pain, as when I notice; nothing can be as it was again.
But surely I can whilst living and breathing and thinking can find them again and hope to resolve the past as I hope to then in the past. That was my promise, and I won't break it.
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