Give me my sleep back!

 I have had some sleep issues for years my mates, and really much this year I would not sacrifice sleep for the sake of my works. Nope; I think a person is tired of living life always on the fringes and really being pushed down over and over again. I am to say its disgusting what school makes you go through and really much in the case of mine you literally sacrifice so many hours to support some fantasy civility ambition that the school is for you when its actually not. You have to schedule all the times you draw and schedule your classes on the days you want to waste. Times and times again a person would never get any sleep working on comics. I mean it was seriously bad in spring 2017. A person only got one hour of sleep for about three days which is never great  but at least they weren't driving anywhere on that one hour. So much shit you have to deal with when a school is out to get you and does not make your life better but is just using you for cash. 

You could believe people are there to help you but they aren't. I still remember the ugly looks these two girls gave me when I said I spent the summer studying comics. I am to say not to be sexist to women or anything like that but truly; just because you can do something does not mean you should. I mean me, as a man would never go full ego and shout to people my self conscious biases against them. Much of them would not be wrong but ergo its much worse when you are frankly an idiot who will never advance their education past a community college level and you think you can talk to a person who has done you nothing wrong just because you want to be full of yourself you are even going to a community college at all. Low bar motherfuckers need to clear out and alarm theirselves many times they are not competition for real masters of craft and yet industry. I mean to say these people looking down on me where struggling in class. They had no inner ambition but yapping and yapping to theirselves about an echochamber of false success they had created for theirselves. Let me tell you; you aren't going to get much graphic design jobs with an associates in the long term especially with such advancements as Canva and others even replacing the need. Majorly I bring this all up to the point is that you would waste so much energy on school and so much sleep only to get brutal disrespect.

I am to say from fall 2016 to fall 2019's beginning; a person really got no good sleep. None. It was a struggle to keep the site afloat, school going on and the comics effort was a disaster and all the women who could have inspired you or helped you out in life just by existing where heathens just by existing. Straight out from fucking hell. Only demons would engineer such a treacherous path where people are friendly one moment and then the sheer demon from hell the next. I would make a work about how tiresome it to feel heavy feelings for people and then have to ditch them because all these people in reality are just evil and just low bar humans. People who never will aspire to be anything great but just the worst of everything and yes fucking racist and self hating.

I recently realize how great it is to be freed of this labour of thinking you owe people feelings which they don't deserve. Frankly my mates; if a woman cannot read your work or if a dude cannot( regardless of your sexual situation/ gender) and not but appreciate it  they aren't the ones for you. There are many people in this world who are uncultured and yes; I am saying that if a person does not know who Michelangelo is they are not for you. I am to say never lower your standards for some person confident in being ignorant. All the women in the world who cannot communicate how they feel at the end of the day are not worth your time nor your efforts. You can do so much when everyone is trying to break you down and stop your goals of creating comics and yes; these so called "interested" women add into the dissent against you. The miles of sleep lost chasing women who are just bad people is really horrendous looking back at it. A fever dream nightmare where  everyone is at first nice until you do what they ask and then they become hostile like some type of scammer or some type of venus fly trap.

I am to say to you that there are few women a person can even communicate to in this time and really all I have spoken to is a weird mix of people online and offline. Only the online ones are cause for pause really much as they are scammers and just flaky people. I am to say that you choose to go online and be an ass to someone who is just trying to be friendly towards you? Not worth the time. I think escaping the college element you find a world with people who aren't fucking messed up and yet even at this other college in some other location people weren't messed up. Truly a person wonders why they even bothered to date anyone in the college atmosphere but what they were manipulated to think there were any opportunities in places that 1984 everything. You know like the book where the couple tries to be normal but a whole society wants to punish them for even being together and they are forced to be so removed from the will of wanting to be together they ignore each other out of fear and just brainwashing. 

Yea; they made me read that fucking story in 7th/8th grade and truly that work is terrifying but it is current reality of colleges. Just to be said; I was not the person who made myself waste tons of sleep on people-it was these people who I liked who betrayed me because they saw that it would be awarded. Yes, that is to be said pure evil goes much along these damned college years of the past. Lose so much sleep from the beginning to the end. The girl who decided to sleep with your roommate when they were so interested in you; betrayal. The girl whom you talked to the first week who could only see you as sex; betrayal. The person who you talked to that was also a girl about more deeper things; betrayal so much its not funny. The long line goes to greatly even more ambitious egoistical messed up people who have no credentials under their name to even be so egoistical in a college situation. Like shit, sit your bitch ass down thinking you are better than someone just because you make an effort to go to a community college and not to save money!

I've wasted tons of sleep I realize between the women and the despair on how to create comics. Like shit and fuck, what an utter clusterfuck and people seem to expect me to continue living in this rat festered way only getting a certain amount of sleep and always being betrayed by strangers who think they are saints upon the world. Like damn; this is all I have gotten from higher education disrespect upon disrespect. Nothing great and nothing good; no one to help with even school work( all the tutors suck and utterly push you in the wrong direction), no one to help with comics ( because all these places are built still under a really evil conservative mindset of "hardworkers" who can be easily manipulated-yes colleges are often racist places by their past history of discrimination. They also have this childish mentality of what "must be important in life" and art is surely the antithesis of that in their minds.) and only people who screw over any social chance you have. They promote discrimination, hatred, colorism and everything and anything and yes grown ass women will not give you a chance but follow what some bitch has to say and never give you a chance to even be. But yet would you even want to be with people who would listen to what some people have to say about you than getting to you? Yea, no- I don't think so at all. Alas; a person has to rise past these ocassions of hatred and vitrol to get what was theirs in the first place. That is a person must catch up on years of wasted sleep and that is what I have done  the later part of this year all whilst working on comics which is never an easy thing but things are surely back to normal. Like ergo I won't exert or waste any energy trying to get women when pretty much when has it ever worked out to even be with anyone? 

No, never not as long as you were inside the pretext of higher education with these dougey sons of bitches coming at you. Maybe it works  when you are no longer inside the shit that is higher education as all the corruption of 1984ing is gone. But yet a person will not give up hard earned health and rest on people who just want to be salty, evil, perverted and just bad people. I literally mean perverted in the sense many women create these fantasies where they have a continued relationship which is just based off biases, hatred towards people of my race and just self excuses on why they should not treat people well when they are the ones displaying interest and a person is just being friendly to not be a dick. I mean you could not pay these people to recognize that "you don't really like them but would like to continue speaking with them to get to know them and if anything happens after that time then yea". No, these people create violent fantasies that are so fast and rapid that its what they like to do when they see a person of a certain feature their group of shits (family and friends) find inferior. They have no ability to even be  accepting of other people and even really objective to where they actually stand on achieving these goals that they pervert into racist self empowering fantasies.  I am to tell you that a person has not been so racial profiled by white people to any fucking degree that a person has been by black people, hispanic people and asian people. Its gross when these people devalue any future relationship goals and want to act as if you are the one interested. My mates; this is the problem in higher education really much a great lack of morals and people just creating perverted ideas of you that are never based in reality because they refuse to know you. But just dogpile they can create some fake shit as if they do by being pure discriminatory and making up so much lies and lying to theirselves over and over again that is who a person is. Its a type of evil yes.

Let me tell you what a person would actually have to do to even become my girlfriend. Yea, its really simple my friends and it called society. You talk to the person( me) about 8 to 16 times in great length and not a small chat worth five minutes, we go out on a few dates and then maybe that label of girlfriend will assume. You just cannot imagine some racist bullshit in your fucking head, be a jerk, be an asshole, try to apologize or feel remorse, stay the fuck silent and just run away as if you never did anything wrong at all and I am just wrong for existing. Man, fuck you. So many people engage in a pattern of hatred against you its unsettling  and yea; when you missed your chance its gone. I'd remember in fall 2018 there was this person I tried to speak to but really much for all my attempts they just were really antisocial but also just continuing to invite you to speak. When they finally shut off and basically told you to fuck off-it takes to the last day of the semester where they hear others speaking good about you  to realize what potential you have a partner romantically. But yet; no-you had your chance to convey interest but really showed you just hated a person and only at the convenience of social whatevers you can gain by dating a person did you even revert to show any interest. Its not that great of a thing to miscommunicate much of the time and then trying to meagerly communicate something at the last minute just by looking at you with some sort of pigeon holed greed. 

I mean can people be modern? Marriage to a dude is a not a means of freedom from your family home or having to go through college and work for things yourself. Like damn; what can be wrong with people when all they want from you is money? Alot.  So many people got issues and when you see people in these instances where they act contradictory to how they were previously; you realize their true fucking colors. Their true colors as a person is just some weak willed brat who really will do anything  to be "with the people" and never have any self strength alone to even do anything for theirselves but just be miserable and immoral.  Such weak willed people thinking that you fit into their fantasies where you are lesser is so horrendous when its just their damn puny ego speaking and they have accomplished nothing at all. The literal gall of these people to not stay humble when they literally are at the bottom of a fucking food chain is why they never become successful. I don't think I would associate with a person who cannot communicate and then thinks that people are going to speak to them to grant them a title just because they look at them auspiciously! Fuck, so many people  especially people of color are made to look stupid and maybe that is what an establishment wants and that is what it feeds on. Truly and truly; I really don't count people by their race but literally the majority of people whom I have encountered that are white don't act in such a shitty way. Only there have only been a few problematic people but yea surprisingly most white women I have come across don't think black people are the bottom of the barrel. 

 Everyone else is just trying so hard to escape thine heritage  by marrying someone white and truly black people are just an evil to them. But really that is how fucked up many people I have encountered just are and that is the reality of things. School to them is but an encourager to a sentiment and just an idol to many to perpetrate lies. So much sleep wasted on people like this? Its just makes you sick. You wonder what it would take for any one person of these people to become my wife but not as they imagine just to berate me and black people as inferiors? Oh, I am to say you cannot be catholic, you cannot be muslim, you cannot be baptist, you cannot be dumb, you already have to have an education, already have to have a well paying job, can speak society, can have empathy, knows culture about comics, anime and else, can be a friend and most importantly; can think for their selves, be inventive and be supportive. Like man oh, man so many people obviously would not fit these qualifications and first you have to go through the girlfriend round like that's how things work.

 If you fail the girlfriend round you don't win the marriage round. I am just to say so many people think they are so bad and that they are such hot stuff that no one can put them in their fucking place when they are being utterly pretentious and if they were dudes-no women would date them when these ideas they have are both sexist and racist. So many of these dumb people don't have a self will but just follow some brainwashed shit they think is going to make them powerful or complete a college education but its all just a bunch of bullshit they and others have convince them to think. I am to say that if these people who thought I was so easy to be with; these women, they have no clue on who I truly am converse to who they truly are. I could never be with brainwashed people who let others dictate who they bang. 

I mean not to be against Muslims as they get alot of hate but ire be to god if a person accepts a religion that allows blatant discrimination towards black people and yea; all the black muslim women I have met have just been bad people aka bullies. There was also that Mariam from Egypt and seriously would you know she was Egyptian? Fuck no but the person acted as if you understood their identity the brief times they were to talk to you as if trying to assert you to be in " your place". Acting as if people cannot feel and think for theirselves. Literally; I think some people should be tossed in jail for acting so high and mighty. Could a person know a detail about a person that they don't really know such as they are a Muslim and only will date other Muslims? I think fucking not people don't have mental reading abilities! I mean there has only been two muslim ladies I have met who haven't been complete jerks. I think the premise that a person gots to take their way or the high way is utterly pretentious. As for Catholics they rape too many people in their fucking nasty ass churches and really why the fuck would I want any of my children going to any of these dumb churches especially when they have native americans and natives buried beneath their churches and reform schools/boarding schools! That is brand of evil I condemn. Many hispanics and africans might be catholic but yea; that means eventually we would not get along. Baptist people; they just excel in perverting everything about a religion just so one pastor and his family can make money and pay no taxes. Its almost like the medieval ages; where you got these lords, their knights and the peons. The churchgoers are the fucking peons. Such enough these people are so brainwashed they cannot figure anything real to help theirselves but continue to buy junk like specialized bibles, books by the pastor and ya-da-yada. I am seriously to say will never date anyone religious or addicted to self help. Like damn; people have long asked questions in their fantasies they  really don't want to know the answer to unless they really want  to realize they  have no chance with a person they want to invision twisted things about to even invision them. Some people need to stop whilst they are ahead; if they are so bigoted and so hateful when they saw me why did they feel anything at all? Its because they are people just constrained in things unhealthy and are too cowardly to be their own people. Just always trying to play as if you are the enemy when that of their problems is only on them and in their self.  Many people never find any inner peace when its really simple and they cannot even master that concept and even the concept of leaving people the fuck alone. Seriously; people never know when to quit and such my sleep just takes a hit because people come back again and again acting as if they have a chance but it was dead long ago.

But no more; I finally reached a place where I feel so much better and don't have hours of missing sleep. I am just ready to move on with my life and avoid people who are just plain bad people and steal hours of great sleep, apparently.