Mariam I shall forgive in a country accent.

 Now with Mariam this person I should not actually forgive but for the sake of healing; a person will forgive them. It is to be said a person cannot go their whole life wasting time on them and what could have been. Nor can they continue to be held back by someone who obviously has very closeted feelings and never wants to even admit they had them and what they truly did with them was terrible. Imagine showing effort to let a person you are interested and then act as if they are the black plague. This is how this woman treated me. I forgive them. 

They were under duress of trying to fit into a white supremacist culture when they are an egyptian immigrant and thought best to throw me; a black person under the bus to gain credit. I mean they first thought to be nice to fit in but eh-you want to be a fucking racist and evil; go on, its none of my business. Yet its petty and welp you could have easily not been accepted into the United States at all to face life in Egypt which you could probably not survive for the same reason of your behavior to attack me in racist fury. I mean, make sense; do you truly think people got your back as a muslim only because you can pass yourself off as white? I wonder when you met some white dude who really is not a closeted racist as you are-what happens when you tell them last of all that you are muslim? I do forgive you because from the bottom of my heart I don't wish harm upon another person of color in a country full of people against them. Life be hard for muslims in America.  I forgive them.

I forgive them from being endoctrinated by the college we went to and just too immature to actually give me any chance but just be closed minded and act as if the world needs so many psychology majors. I forgive them for trying to use me to get acceptance for the good of pretending interest in me and for the bad of hating me as a black person in this society. I literally got to say that I forgive them for being so closed minded they missed a chance to realize a reality outside this need for acceptance by people who never need to be given that pleasure. People who literally would feel never bad about them; an egyptain muslim's demise. They feel like they need to behave in a hateful and closed minded way to feel wanted and accepted but really its all just an inner illusion. No one does accept you. And if you were truly fake to  other folks you met who were black and just false baited by you- maybe you have lost a great battle of perception which no one will remember you as but a try hard person who assumes Amercian is white and nothing else.

Damn. And fuck, there is your forgiveness. Not ever even yet. There are more items I will kindly list.

I forgive you for not supporting my dreams but supporting the dreams of racist and people looking down on me and my ambitions to create comics which by the way were none of your business from the level I knew you. They were only to come into the picture when you were endoctrinated and just looking from valid points of acceptance from a place that has no love for you. Thinking you could rip me down to a racist stereotype after you tried to be so nice for some fucking reason which I never asked you to do. As fucking clear as the eye to see; no one ever in the region for the many years I lived as a dude and even now as a man-no equal to me ever gave a fuck. So why did you give a fuck to even do what you did? Simple answer to be accepted and that's that or so I can figure. Its easy to why you would try to degrade a person's works which really were not public domain. You had to put in that effort. Instead of not putting in the effort to get to know me or understand me or even learn how privileged you are as a foreigner to even look down at a person who has lived in a region since birth and my perception; you came for the racist perception and the bottom of the barrel supremacist tendency and fucking silly just went all nilly crazy praising yourself for the evil you would do up until fall 2016 and afterwards.

I forgive you for taking advantage of my kindness and really getting in my space yet in my head. You know for a good while there in my youth I had no courage that it could ever work out that I would speak and people even not try to either take advantage of me and mock me. I hardly said anything to you and you found a way to ease into an aggression against me. Lovely, love-lovely. I made it some goal to be optimistic and thought of you as a mysterious person who could change my life but you were the run of the mill hick. The immigrant who forgets their people's struggles in this country and really thinks their racist behavior of prior home country life  is so cute and calm. I may forgive you but I never want to be with you, today. I just will continue a kindness to forgive you because that of what I give now; forgiveness is for the sake of healing and never to opportune any real physical or emotional togetherness. The boon of your life was going willy nilly having an interest and then growing to terrorize me. Whatever could have been you did not let go. I tried my hardest despite my own stifled foil upbringing socially to try to reach you but it was not enough to best the adults who had developed skills and plans that were ill kempt, evil and discriminatory.

I forgive you for not letting things come naturally or even being understanding to what I was going through in that time of my life.  I literally was being optimistic and making my best efforts to which I could but you just made the worst out of everything and burned the bridge seeing what you saw as a potential you coldly try to both recognize it and ignore to give you the on and off light switch to choose which ever one would give you social acceptance in your mind. I mean its obvious which side won. The off. If I had been a Clarence Thomas; no doubt you would have chosen me and just gone directly with me so enamored by the falsehood that would bring. lol.

I forgive you for what you probably did to others. Young boy named Korede fell probably into the same snare I did but he was too hateful of himself to find any confidence that what you displayed to him was about as true as it was to me. I mean; yow-I look back now as an adult and realize what you did was literally lead people on just so you could reward yourself, " I speak with black people". Congrats, miss but I forgive you for this philosophical insult. People aren't diversity points nor talking points but people!

My god; I forgive you for making me see possibilities of life that I could have logically had with you that I cannot and can never be reached in this world. All that shit in my head; I wonder now how I could have got lost in lalala land and just fall off my bonkers for a real redneck. It goes to show that white people aren't the enemy as much as the media would enthuse. I do say the supremacist ones and republican ones and the savvy privileged middleground  folk, too. My goodness; if a person had closed off a mind to women of color they would have experienced the least racist bullshit out of people trying hard to fit in with the perceived supremacist culture you must be in to succeed. I forgive you for being one of the people if not primary person who just makes me think, "never get lost in dreaming of women ever again" so today I refuse to dream anything and yet never be with anyone for that matter.

Again, whilst I forgive; the chapter is closed on what could've been-you are the racist you are and proud of it and I will never be associated with that at all.