Errant of Rush.

 Simply, my great message to Mariam is something that is realistic but also will not endear to preserve any future thoughts or even the common ideal of togetherness in any romantic sense. This was all taken advantage of by Mariam in the atmosphere of that place. Grifting on people's kindness and openness and really much in the end choosing to subvert it into something it was never to be. But proving how much they did not belong to even come across an individual to even have this situation even happen; a situation so commonplace but they could not handle it. I will not preserve any of these ideals at all but if not relay my past experience and how I was done wrong. Someone who came at things from a privileged angle and really much I would go so far to even say that; personally I'd like it if they would go back to Egpyt as that would be one less racist in the region. For an outsider to come in and make things worse than they got to be and literally taking advantage of things socially from any bent and angle but being totally contradictory just for self benefit it would seem to a very toxic self medicating way. 

I would say that the ideas of Mariam early on where just that of expectation that people had to give to them quickly what they wanted and if not were the surest trash. Again, a person was not able to give these things and this girl did not just understand the reality of people but this racist nonsense and simply was taking advantage of this whole mindset to the degree an artist manipulates a paintbrush. She would later admit to me that all her things she did were hellos and nothing more but that is such bullshit; when simply there is proof she was doing her best to not only get my attention but other people's attention of the same race. I am to say maybe she thought so little of certain people and that really much all you had to do was say hello and they would do the sexual stuff. This is to be said that literally this girl was not clearly in her best interests of getting to know people to know people and really was just using any good will to get literal sex out of things to a demeaning and almost aggressive means. Not that the person was effective because literally people aren't fools and know in this country what discrimination they face.  One day she said hello to this dude who was black as well passing by with Pizza.

 The conversation later turned after she passed the region; with this girl who was half Egyptian and was the gossip queen and know it all of all dirt she asked if this girl liked him. He shyly but somewhat afraid said, "no, she does not". I read upon this as if; he was uncertain of what her intentions were when in reality they were to engage with him but yet not in the "I like you" sense but I want to use you for sex sense. You see very contradictory this Mariam could be from this outside perspective. The dude by the way and the two people with him were his associates by the way. I am not to say that they were exactly my friends at all especially the girl who talked about everyone behind their back. I mean; this girl talked about everyone and I am sure as fuck she spoke about me but this person would be a can of worms for another day-I never liked this person at all so that is why I never write about them on this site. Yet Mariam was only a person who deeply wanted to be the "it girl on campus" whilst not even being able to be successful in common trickery but just pretend to be nice and think that if she continued to do this; no one would think that she liked them or should be afraid like the dude to even verbalize anything as a human being-they should probably just be violent like the racist stereotype in her head. The thing is this person was not alright; they saw black people as animals and frankly probably the worst person to be regarded with. She had unreal expectations which were hateful and really unbecoming and really much were backstabbing to people who tolerate her lack of social customs. This person did not say hello to you to be nice but said hello to you thinking that you could do the worst. To say this girl would be an idiot; would be wrong but this person knew what they were doing and knew that their beliefs were wrong but was so in love with this nonsense idea.

Most of the stuff I later found this person writing were the antithesis of stupidity, low motivation posts, hate against hope, hate against faith, hate against self will and really much the antithesis of any motivation means of philosophy. This person I will say is like the complete and utter opposite of me most likely. I would say other people but most people are mid and don't disparage encouraging ideals. I would say that you cannot innovate without believing in yourself or doing things outside of what other people do or what is conventional. This girl painful tries to fit into the conventional, praises theirselves for fitting into into the humdrum, the conventional and the establishment even when they fucking don't really and just believes in some depressing shit that they have no real power to control anything. But yet in this mindset is their fixation on trying to force things out of people when no one will in reality do anything like that. I would say that a person probably had the worst educational and cultural attainment back in Egypt about people in the world and even black people and seems to just hinge on racist stereotypes and really much enough probably hated black people in their own country. 

As you know folks, black people do exist in Egypt because it right next to Sudan and really has always existed in Africa. Just so you know because people don't get the best education in America about anything really much. I would like to know that black people aren't appreciated in Egypt and some people there have this overt sexual fixation with them. I wonder where this person can get such ideals from? All around is not even a person who is that good of anyone and frankly is bar low to any one who already existed in America. Heck, you would have a better life marrying some racist white chick than this person. Its to be said that well this person carried the illusion of normalcy plus something more. It was like a mystery at the beginning; you thought she was governed by normal idealisms and was not a racist though somewhat social awkward-who could not be at that age of 17 or 18? I did not know anything about Mariam in the time I truly was so "awakened" to her beauty. I use this to say that only a mirage of greatness propelled the ideas of interest. Actually reading this person's page on whatever social media app and realizing her true dark sad motivations; just made you sick. However; I was still like the dude she said hello to that was in her allure: aloof to the fact that any perceived chance at love was all a folly. When would I learn all these things when I actually would follow her on social media and really much after speaking to her and realizing who she actually was. This girl for all her education could not even type well. I however will focus on the initial experience of fall 2013 here and not spring 2018.

Evidently from the start this girl had a superiority complex and real lack of empathy for others. Everything was just fake and pretty much anything could be anything for her own benefit. I would say there would be a time to say that she was a medias perception expert. Rather she pretended to be something with one group of people and then another with another group of people. You honestly think that she said hello to me when she was with this dude who was hispanic in origin? No, she wanted to paint a picture of being in with the people who "did not like the black people" with this dude. She also wanted to be so kind to me when I was literally alone or she was with another middle eastern/southasian girl. I mean this person seemed to think that she was such the greatest person at living a complete total lie. So contradictory is it to walk black lives matter and then walk to "back the blue". I am to say that its unknown if she supports either one of these but these are just examples of her contradictory behavior. She wanted everything; the admiration, the ego of being this uppity high academic, the person who fitted everyone in and revolved around everyone( this obviously was not true because the girl who was friends with the dude would say " I don't like her".) and I am to ask who the fuck was running for President? This is what this woman was posing herself to do. Have this media clean manipulated image in various places to get people to do things for her.

Pretty much her different behavior with different people put me off but I was not being overtly judgy/critical  and did not even know this person. I am to say that really much a person felt there was something special about them from the moment they met them in the elevator after the history lab on the 2nd Friday of the 1st semester in fall 2013. I am to say from that time therein and rather when she earlier introduced herself in that history lab being the last person to come in with this dude I went to highschool with; I thought she was beautiful and smart if not unique. When she spoke to me first in the elevator  it was so magical.  Her first hello reminded me off this nice girl from highschool who spoke to me and probably was the only nice girl person in highschool to me. This person also granted me the chance to take a prom picture with them and like literally was probably the only girl I actually did hug in highschool. I think that at that age; I really had no one who had shown me what female interest my age of a positive nature looked like. I mean let me tell you; some women literally tried to sexually harass me in that highschool went to-like 4 different fucking times. I thought this was the cue when she spoke to me and that I would have a magical future with this person if I played my cards right, did not rush anything and respected the person. I am to be saying that really much what I was acting off of was literally what I was given. All I saw was the possibility and the assured thought that this girl would even act as the other girl did which I will say; is just how good people you actually want to be with should behave. Yet all this person would hinge about was darkness, negativity and racism. 

    That is truly what they were. They were no so called smart but just a person who was a capable user of social systems in place. I remember that first time, I would say, " did you like the class?" After she said hello to me by the way I was trying not to make contact but this person just peered into my space and realizing she was attractive closer I said hello back and tried to continue the conversation. Yet was fearful I would screw something up and said nothing else after she said, "it was okay". There was an odd silence as she continued to look at me and I only looked at her oddly from the side of my eye like an owl embarrassed.  I let her get of the elevator before me and waited till she was gone and frankly celebrated. This was the true cute beginning of things and I thought that if I just played it cool everything would work out. I am to say that nothing did because this person truly was not a good person and really much even focusing on this girl and trying to be so resolved to end up with her was a waste of my fucking time. I am to say now that after speaking to many women that really much you can say all the pleasing shit in the world, try to be their ally and worse lead into their image of things which is not who you are and is not how the world is; nothing of that stuff in which you can say pleasing makes a difference. You can be your true self and respectful as well but they will not appreciate you regardless of how well your intentions are and just will disregard everything for their own whimsical narrative which can be psudeo good, in good intentions but disrespectful to you and freaking malicious just for their own spin on things and self fulfillment. Some people are just evil as well. Ultimately you can say anything but if people truly don't respect you or like you then you will never really even get a chance. To be said this was a long gambit set up for brutal failure when I ever uttered anything to this woman who was very superficial to a dimensional degree and having a whole mirage of a better version of herself  than anything else. I am serious in this regard. This woman was an enigma of mystery. She literally would fuck me over because she was not a good person but kinda of enough the psychopathic  person who used the goodwill of people and logical social assumptions against people as weapons for another date. You would think this person would at least know what they were socially getting into by being aggressive. I look back now and previous other times that she was aggressive and entitled to my space and really much seemed she was going to get mad if she did not receive a hello back. My naïve self did see this but it was swept under the rug because I realized only then she was beautiful. That was a mirage only youth could see in a time could see.

Some could argue that she; this girl was just a replacement for the girl who was often kind to me in highschool but I did not think so. The other girl I felt I never would reach-they went off to the aggressive white university place in Texas aka the land of the Aggies and frankly; I just was looking for someone who behaved similar to her if not was a good person to even be around. Those traits were a great example of what to look for and I would be hinged on this girl called Mariam because of this. This was logical of course as simply the prior girl was the only person in my highschool experience and pretty much whole school experience who treated me well and as if an equal. Mariam was not a replacement but someone who spoke to me foremost and seemed really avid about reaching me if not disappointed I did not say more.

I would later see Mariam around and especially on the Friday classes we would always take the elevator where she would say hello to me and I would try to make some small talk to work up to get her number. I thought it would be aggressive if a person just tried to get a person's number out of the blue just for the whole thing to not work in the first place. Yet what I never realized much but ignored was the aggressiveness that Mariam had towards me. As if what I was doing was not good enough for her and she would always frown in some sort of disapproval. Why did I think this was ever okay? It was because a person had really no social skills but they were trying and trying hard. Pretty much every girl at the prior highschool was either problematic, a bully or a person who was a literal sexual abuser. I thought when she frowned that my words came across strange and that anyone would be dissatisfied by them or this meager effort. I frankly would only ask her about how she was feeling about the class and the tests upcoming as what we would talk about in the elevator. Either I or she would say bye to each other and then go about our ways and it would be this thing. I never wanted to come across as aggressive so I never followed her to where she was going because I literally had somewhere else I wanted to go. I did not even felt I knew her much to even ask her out or waste any time on her. Yet I realize now this person just wanted things and stipulated things through her body language and facial movements in line with the prior idealisms I discuss as her whole entire philosophy. Her hellos, were actually accosting things and the way she was behaving was as if you were going to make some sexual move on her. She hoped that her being into your space or gazing intently at you would make you engage her as she wished would happen but nothing would happen because normal well being people don't behave in this manner. To be as of proof of this; in the conversation I would have later in spring 2018 she would hesitate when I brung up how she would always say hello to me and act as if they had no meaning and persist that I was the one in the wrong and literally she did not lead me on. She in fact would continue to say this and get frustrated. She would always insist on your wrong doing when you never did anything and as if in some type of frenzy insist you move on from the subject. This person also thought they were good in doing this.

Whilst ladies, its good to take a shot at guys; its not good to do it when people literally have to go out of their way to accommodate you and then years later when you try to figure out, "where is this going?" and "why should I continue to promise you this?"-you reply with something that shows you don't give a fuck about the person in question then its best you never speak to a person at all. This girl I realize was always trying to get somewhere with me and other people too quick and too transactional. As if she wanted nothing more than to see people as items and not as people. To be so in a rush in a relationship or to get into one  is to be aggressive and worse when things don't pan out the way you want is to be violent. There is to be said that if things weren't a certain way with this girl called Mariam( as she was when it was fall 2013) she would not recognize you at all seeking to use someone else for her own benefits or just ignore you so she could be in favor with the person she was with.

There are some times I would like to recall that when with her hispanic friend she often never said anything to stop him from utterly badmouthing me.

There was a time I went to go print some paper for the english class in the printing room in the dorm and yes this english class had another babe in it who I probably will write about later. She and this dude lived with me and tons of new first year students and literally they were somewhat surprised and irked that I was there and gawked at me. But literally I did not understand why she was behaving that way as I saw her always in the history lab class and then in the elevator and then sometimes around the dorm. I was not known to her very much but I was not a pure stranger. She always said hello to me much of those instances I saw her and fucking did not know why she was treating me this way. This dude with her would say some disparaging shit about me as  I left as they figured out how to staple papers or some such other thing they were have trouble with. I would say hello to them and they would just be confused beforehand and the dude would say this shit. I don't even think Mariam even corrected the dude. The disparaging shit was, " who is that dude?"

She said, " I dunno". I frown at this point because really what was a person thinking even being amongst this girl even thinking she would like him back or at all when they refused to even acknowledge them. I thought she was just saying this because she was meek and shy all of a sudden but really I was just used to the social abuse as in highschool to not think anything of it.

I later come to realize that when people say, "who is that dude?" most of the time they are trying to not praise you for being there or be interested in you but are just disparaging you but asking, " who is this fool?" or " who is this person who does not belong?" or " who is this person who dare belong here". Its to be said that people in this region and especially in school where hostile to black people and really much had this really crime filled racist image of black people being delinquents, athletes and not scholars. Never could certain people when faced with a person that does not match this racist idealism of black people even exist to any freedom of these people who praise white supremacy even though they are hispanic. People I will say probably mislabeled me sometimes as indian strictly because of this but really much some people just don't really know anything about real black people and really are disgusted by the actual people who exists like Mariam's friend. I really feel sick at Mariam because really she should have defended me for all the fake niceness in retrospect she was doing but I guess you don't learn that from whatever media you watch on tv in Egpyt. But no really a person who actually shows that much interest in you from what was said about the earlier bits of things would probably say, "no, that's this dude from my history lab, he's okay". Something. Anything other than," I dunno". This is all just a dismissive word but younger me did not register this. I did not ever expect Mariam to be like the girl from highschool who was nice but really much I did feel hurt and really much this is what did  push me to chase after the girl in the english class for a time to no real avail.  That again be can of another worms. 

Its to be said that Mariam would later continue the same week to say hello to me as if no shit had happened and really much this threw a wrench in progression because I did not feel as if saying anything much to her at all that day. I just said hello and that was that and yes; the aggression feel just grew. It was like she expected me to disregard what she had done and just pretend as if nothing was wrong so that she could get something out of me that I was never going to give. She lived on a misconception and really much had this never happened I probably would have spoken more to this woman that week and gotten even deeper in with this person. This would be the turning point as really I would see less of her and see her hanging with this dude more. Each time the hispanic dude would never shut the fuck up about me. "who is he" he would say as they walked by one time as if he did not recognize me. Saying another, "that guy looks crazy". Mariam would say nothing so I believe and really much whilst each time I did meet her and her friend in this courtyard in between the dorms and away from the parking lots imagine even coming close to a person who wants to literally start a fight. Saying one time, "that guy looks like me". I did not hear what Mariam said and really much I was playing so nice in the little hive mind of that college that I did not smack the shit out of this dude. I do agree however that this dude did look similar to me if hispanic. I do note that however a person does in part come from south america so; hmm-therein lies the similarities. Just to be even more specific; this dude was not a black hispanic but other.

It would go on to say that a person became distant from this girl as time went on and really much for all the three or so times in the courtyard; I could have reached Mariam in conversation had it never been for this twit existing with her. This dude was just a pleaser and just a dude who was showing the girl what she wanted to hear and nothing about what things actually were and for a person who literally is trying to acclimate to society that is but the worst way to even become acclimated. This girl had only been in the US for two years and they acted as if they were the literal Bosses on Campus. Take note of that "Bosses on Campus" has a nice ring to it does it not? She would say hello and hello and be an enigma and certainly would give her a bit more of a chance despite 4 or more failures to even act as if they gave a fuck about me or even defend me as any logical interested individual would do. Yet people don't disparage you one moment in front of one group of people and then try to get in favors with you yet with another. It was the October when a person realizes that this type of thing must be everyday for a person when they have this dude they somewhat hang out with trying to say yet in code, " I want no trouble with her and cannot trust she won't do anything weird " whilst people can ask if the girl likes him. I still laugh at the other girl saying something along the lines, " you serious, she is always saying hello, she's trying to fuck". I tried to hide behind the good and the fact that it all could be conjecture but there is no such things when the behavior is as clear as day toxic and disgusting. This person was not only leading me on in her errant of rushing things with people and being aggressive aka trying to herd sheep me like a sheep into her den but likely was doing it with other people. Could there be times were she and the dude were together and she would act completely different as she did in her pizza run passing him by? I pondered this and realized that it could only be conjecture at that point. Its not until a person really much has a conversation with this person in spring 2018 that they realize this person was a master manipulator of people and were good at controlling their public image with different people. Nothing but a psychopath. She played the role she wanted to be with certain people in the certain times she was comfortable or when it was necessary but did not give a fuck about anyone really but her bottom end needs. When caught out of the image she wanted to be playing or known as; she threw a tantrum and else tried to control the narrative aggressively when the cat was out of the bag.

   Looking back Mariam never had much anything but an aggressive need for things to work out how she saw them working out and if people did not do as she wanted and especially if these things were not even logical she would throw a fit or try to control things to the further disparagement of others. I will literally say that dude she spoke to and I surely the last things on our minds was having sex with this girl but all that is what was privy to in her mindset. She was truly not even understanding that just because people were black did not mean that they sexual hostile creatures literally a racist pure and pure. I am to say that you never marx women intention and the girl that did not like this girl and even said that she wanted to fuck was right on the money. She knew. What is even better on how she knew was that she was half Egyptian but yet born in America and not trying to be something she was not or being the absolute worst and hinging on what can be said "oustider privilege" and privilege just in general. This girl called Mariam just wanted to rush things and really wanted things to happen which actually to normal people take many steps to even occur. This person wanted easy rewards for social things that she had no effort in and really would not put effort in! You think a person who has been social ostracized is just going to let theirselves to do anything more which would lead to further ostracization and turmoil.  I was not the guy who played with fire. That was the roommate. Why would anyone open theirselves up to the obstacles that come with have sex with people who aren't mature, cannot communicate, dodgy, backstabbing and really much cannot take care of theirselves? Its to be said Mariam never carried about anything real of people but just fantasies and the perceived mutual interest realm which allowed these fantasies to be exercised on people who if these things were spoken who disavow them. She was a coward to what she really wanted and never knew how to even get what she was after but harass people who really wanted better things in life. If not at all just so aggressive that she was very much not that civil of a person in all absolutes but just pretended to be so. The aggressiveness becomes a violence against you and who you actually are and frankly; I am to say that its great that I did not further interact with this woman than which I already did.

She had nothing to give me but most likely and most possibly dissatisfaction at my dreams and literal discouragement of them and that be the errant of the rush.