M in 2014.

      Here begun a long journey over years and years simply because a person wanted to believe in people and have faith in them but they would only treat them like trash. I would say it would not just be Mariam but strangely she would be the only one I would later contact; I wonder why? She literally was the only one I actually even spoke much to. At the end of this journey aka would actually be 2014; you could not even contact people at all when these people wanted to be such sage wannabe lovers later on at all especially in 2018 when I tried so many other people who just wanted to show that interest and that seeming faith. But you see those people were just low tier grifters of any social faith. No, Mariam realized that what she had done actually would get a person to be like committed to being with her and was essentially afraid of such committed behavior and for her character inside of the machine this could not be true if she wanted to keep her imaginary rank and imaginary status for things that she did to lead people on greatly. A person had gotten it wrong at the end of 2014, the girls that were about mostly that I liked were just bad people and weren't victims of a socially toxic system but in on it. I did not know this shit until I actually had proof any of the socially toxic system was real and that I was not reading into too much. This confirmation came from Mariam. She gave me the proof and all that had been done started to click.

Winter Storm 2014.

    There was a winter storm in early 2014. The type that immobilizes roads in Texas so class was cancelled for some days. Rather this happened for two weeks that class was cancelled. This was the last saving grace to get ready for the torture and the torment to come and frankly; a person would not be ready for what was to come. I did not see Mariam at this time and nor really was she on my mind. I think what was on my mind was what I was going to do in the future aka how to actually make my goals of making comics to the degree I wanted real. This was not an easy goal but something had to be done as I was not going to aim lower or just let it fade away into the background as I stay undecided.

    Truly, I wonder if Mariam ever noticed the level of internalized pain a person was in and the shit that was planning out what to do with this really complicated goal that no one else could guide in you and no one else could support you in. No, they did not. They were just a really privileged inward growing person who had no dreams, no real life and just a person who really preached some dark gospel. To never aspire but this clogmind mentality and degrading the individual. I don't think a person is right for another when inspiration is a hard thing for them and really much their inspiration is nothing but nonsense that does not work and just depresses and degrades a person's humanity.

    I am to say that in this dark period a person realized what? That really it was all just for jokes and play for so many of these girls. What did they even know about me and yet I suffered. Why should a person go to these classes that did not help me do shit but just were filler. Speaking of such let me tell you college graphic design courses are some of the most nonsense driven bullshit, discriminatory placing of students to which no one can get in unless they happen to sign up way before the actual days many people can actually sign up for these classes. Let me tell you; the community college was easier to get classes but was even more bent to a discriminatory tone. The 2nd college I went to, you had to get these classes well into the fucking spring and even then there was fight back from the dean and the instructors and whatever the fuck; these graphic design courses are just fucked up. Imagine you being in highschool and aren't even accepted to the school yet nor done with highschool but should sign up for classes at the graphic design special program. It just was never feasible at all! I am to say that a person had no real chance to even do what they wanted which was to take graphic design classes in college. I was fucking frustrated pretty much. The best thing I ever did was follow those dreams but ergo would think Mariam and those other girls would be apart of these things. As I spoke most to Mariam, she was mostly apart of these dreams and most logical the person I had the most chance with. But really like the graphic design; no one had a chance with this person because they did not have a dream or really have that spirit at all of upward advancement but downward spiral.

   There is a spark in humans that is like aspirations spirited. What they strive for; for good and the bad and shows that they are living. I mean even a racist, a republican politician and an extremist if not a person who is all three of these things; has such a spark even if it is doing bad shit and even killing people. To be said Mariam had nothing like this but just to be a low in the dirt clog and that simply is not even an aspiration but just a privy thing an emotionless self degrading person holds for worship.

Its here to be said a person just really came to said ultimatum, " if they really care and are the lovers meant in the stars then they will cash me anywhere and just won't be confined to this environment where they can take it easy and pretend so earnestly love when they actually have hate". This is to be said that a person realized that it was complete nonsense anyone would be interested in them into the degrees  they so spluttered in this place. The eyes, the messages and all that shit meant literal fucking nothing. These people did not know me. So frankly my plan would change over time but really I am to say that if people really did like me would they not want to associate with me outside of the college when everything was not so sold to them and nor did they have such motivations behind such a sort of machine of rigid oppression of people's actual true characters. Some people are just so afraid of black people that its stupid they think they are the pinnacle of society when really they are literally the bottom and literally manipulated by a heartless hag at the top of a school chain who unlike them never lived a normal life where they even had to date. No it was all picked out by the spineless caste system in India and I am to say what the fuck is America if this bitch is allowed to govern people's personal affairs especially their romantic affairs to this toxic level. Seemingly granting higher status to a black dude who murders his own parents than any normal person. Yea, that was said and is some sentences.

I am to tell you folks even through all these thoughts Mariam was the still the one who I even actually spoke to beside this other girl called Ashley. This is why she fit into any natural thoughts of being the one and did not seem to be a person anyone would have to issue this ultimatum with in dealing with them.

February and March; just everyday.

    If a person saw Mariam it would be through rare occasions. No longer did we have classes together. You have to realize that if she was in my history lab then she was always in the history class itself but that one was so large that so many people were in it and really she could have always been looking at you and you would never even know it or be there indifferent. A person often tried to start conversations but they would go nowhere. This further painted her as some sympathetic maiden who had intellect and care but really she was just a sadist with limit intellectual effort to emotional matters of human beings if not put no effort into works where she had to have empathy with people or understand them deeply than some surface level. I am to say in her later conversation in 2018 frankly did not give a fuck about me and really much the whole thing was like a nuisance to get out of the way but strangely she even contacted me first never expecting me to say anything in response. They way of this was dismissive but was like she was doing something to prove something to herself especially in line with her sadist non motivational beliefs. She was not a good person but seemingly did not recognize that what she was doing would actually get anyone to be emotional invested in them and seemed to expect that people not feel that way or even understand what she was doing. The great thing is that I never saw her with that dude that annoyed the living fuck out of me. She now hung out with a girl of southeast asian origin.

March, April, May 2014

I below will list some times I saw her later and interacted with her.

I would visit her floor to hang out with the three people who commonly were the last remaining friends I had as everyone else ditched me. There often before I reached my friends would say hello to her if I saw her in the hallway. I often thought I should speak to her more then but did not want to be awkward about things but really much past a teenage understanding of things the situation was already awkward. In hindsight no one has ever spoken to me so much to be apparently not so interested in me. It just is a bunch of bullshit.

Three times I happened to come across her in the elevator after she came back from the gym. Its to be said a person had empathy and really whilst they tried to ask her out; it just did not work out because a person was not going to keep them. The first time, I restated my name in case she forgot but she did not and looked annoyed at this. I asked her how she was doing and replied normally and that was that. Had any of these things happened today a person would have likely asked them out but a person was not as socially well in communicating as they are today. The 2nd time tried to ask her if she was going anywhere later and tried to ask her out; yet only said " if she was going anywhere later". She would respond no and really much there was a peak of happiness and smile upon her face. I did not manage to say anything else as  I had pause. What if I had not used the right words and just communicated sexual interest? This for the reason I did not say anything else because really much did not want to be doing all that type of stuff. She just left somewhat waiting for me to say something. I again was not that great at speaking to people my own age especially if they were girls. 3rd, there was a dude and girl who were from India or Southeast asian who were speaking as we were in the elevator. I tried to use her favorite dude's line at mocking people from afar, "who were they?" She replied normally and somewhat irked, " I don't know". I tried again to ask what I was saying the last time but just managed to say nothing much but bye. So there you go, was this girl a stranger? I think not.

One day would just be walking around trying to think and she would be there with her friend that was a girl studying and would say hello to me. I thought of sitting down and speaking with her but realized I just could not shake the menacing presence that was accompanied by these smiles and these helloes. I almost did it but ardently that would not have been good. I thought of this person as this good individual but really they were not a good person but a person with no dreams, no real desires and just wanting to be apart of propaganda of a school and anything else to be a clog in the wheels of many great machines. This was later April.

There would be another time I was trying to see if my friends on the 3rd floor were present and I would pass to where I would see her but she would not see me going into her room. I am to say that it was here I began to reason it was all a lost cause but I had the hunch that if anyone was to reach out to me through the void of time that it would be her.

The last time I saw her I would frankly be by the man made pond at the school and she would be sitting on a bench looking peaceful and content reading something on her phone. I did not think so highly of myself and thought that I would ruin her peace rather I was fearful that I would be invading her space at that time and should contact her later. It would be for the faith elements of things that respected of other people and still do that I did not approach her. Its to be said I was not confident I could actually speak to her in a perceived situation which only I respected.

So in all I just felt that if a person truly added into the good will of things that they would certainly receive back good things. Its ironic as I did the complete absolute of things than this girl. The whole time she was manipulating anything of good faith for her own perceived power gambit and really much was just not respectful of what anything really was aka the fact that people had an open heart to them and taking advantage of this to not do what is socially right but what is evil.  I mean she well knew what a person was feeling and she even showed this on multiple occasions. She could have not let me think that she was interested in me or some maiden under duress but she choose to play into this and just used this to continue to cause harm and havoc than which she already did. I mean, think about this-homegirl possibly was just playing with people here and there and getting into people's business when she could have just left them alone but she just wanted to play apart of a game set up by a machine and a callous person at the top. She did not want any relationships but power. The only reason she would contact me later on was most likely was because she did have feelings but wanted to prove that she did not. Its to be said that Mariam was the only person who ever contacted me back. No one else would do it and no one gave a fuck but she like others was intent on never hearing my side of the story but maintaining her privilege to do the bad social things she does and thinks its cute. Let me tell you this the later part of what is to come is very messed up because the girl actually read this blog and probably still does. I mean she followed me on twitter. She knew of the many "romantic messages" even before twitter to and still choose to be a literal person who literally would choose a school over me and really her nasty behavior over any responsibility that she did wrong.

The thing that I often overlook is how did the dude who she said hello to that other day actually deal with things and what must have happened between them. If not he was just disrespected and she just was able to get by with her abusive behavior as if it was a godsend. I will tell you that I never felt so disgusted in my life at how she messaged me and it was in an aggressive and unbecoming tone. That just shortcame  all my feelings and even my side to even have a side without overt propaganda being aimed at my face. This person I am glad can never become United States president , ever because they really are not that great a person but just will enemize a person who they literally wanted to be so campy and lovey dovey with. Really much wanted some benefit but the person attached.