Burn.

 Now did I love Mariam? This is something that is so wrong to even display honestly to want to go the distance even to see if a person is your one to be, your one destiny and see if you can get a literal response after five years is such a bad thing and using the word love therein is too. Its really something that could be expected when you are subvertly brainwashed to have some importance so high for someone who really is not even normal. 

It all starts with a mirage in an elevator and then hoping in your faith from where you cheered out in hope for love when you first encountered the person with a mirage. Them just acting the part and not disavowing publicly disinterest in you but saying hello constantly to you and in fact seemingly trying to invite you to talk one time. This just gives you the impression that something could grow and you build a story around this around the hard reality that fosters the real nightmarish truth; in frank there was nothing you could do in this environment to even have a face to even go out with anyone with anyone trying to destroy your public image and convince people that you aren't worth anything. Ironically this is what future Mariam would do; convince me as if an agent of the environment that she was not worthy of anything. To hope with golden ideas that the girl who most showed interest actually liked you was not a bad thing to hope and nor it was a thing to venture. I was not in love with Mariam. If I ever used that world it was a mistake.

If there is a thing as alternative worlds I was in love with some ideal of a Mariam that actually was a good person and understood the social rules and was not frankly a psychopath like that Elizabeth Holmes. If a person could vibrate and hover as if an ideal person, Mariam could do that but only in front of certain audiences. And certainly when to please the racists; she Mariam was there hand and foot. When she was to pretend kindness she was there hovering just the right frequency to get the version of herself she knew she had to be to appease her own warped ideals and hunger if not a machine that destroys many social connections and just makes human life more violent and disconnected all together in one region. She was there at the end to play her achieved part in this system just showing her loyalty to it and never thinking; there are consequences for this behavior. Never thinking her behavior to show such a connection to a world where people who are strangers are lovers just to rip them apart and really much to find some connection to a guy and just rip herself out of the equation having loyalty to corrupt and retarded people. No, I was not in love with Mariam.

That first day my mind came across an illusion; a concept of what was acceptable to me by the measures of not dreaming or toxic illusions of the female body but characteristics that seemed to make for nice people. I really got to say I latched onto this like it was hope and only could let go when truly I was no longer led on from that Mariam. In that message I realized how perverse it was to say out of desperation that I loved them. I loved the idea of someone else completely but yet somehow they knew how to play into this when they wanted to and when they needed power from a machine ripping hearts apart this false knowledge center that thinks it knows humans but does not. I seriously am to say that the worst thing that can happen to a human is to get lost in the whole college privileged circuit and forget about all the people in the world who live outside of college and this particular college's messed up immoral privacy infringing way of being. Its machine that collapses hearts and dreams and tries it earnest to. Mariam has to be the sadist loving this machine even when she knows she needs some human balance and this place will not help her even integrate into further society. All she will ever have to come back to is doing the deeds of this sum college even not knowing it or even have moved on; will continue the grooming that was ensued and literally never know how to stop-addicted. Self fulfillment in college? Bah. This person degraded in college to be a person closed to anything real in life but corporate promise, lies, realities and the bottom end as that is all the college taught. It itself is a corporation but yet a place that peddles and manipulate frequency illusions to the step and peddle as some white kid goes into a black region to kill as much black people as possible. They literally sit pretty in a black community and literally wage war on the social lives of black people who clearly have romantic and social potential with other people who aren't their race. All for hate.

No, I think instead of loving Mariam it was all hate in the first place because a person was devoted to a ideal of normalcy and how people are to treat them not being lower than dirt. I think I hate the person who pretended to be this other individual just to coast me and others along as if to save theirselves the embarrassment of being the odd one out that they surely made others to be in their unhinged media games. Pretending not to know people in front of others and frankly allowing others to insult them in front of them and really much not even being a good individual just pretending nothing happened and continuing to lead people on. And yet I forgive this individual because hate is not the answer nor lying to oneself is.

To her;

All I can write is the fact of wondering if they felt good through all this stuff? Did it feel good to deceive people and act like a princess of all the people present able to do things and have no social repercussions?  Did you feel good that your complex over people was achieved when you said hello and pretended to be allies to people who you were just wasting their time and ultimately just sowing seeds of division really amongst people? Do you feel good for wasting the potential connections of people by just aggressively spreading misinformation about strangers and never coming to the aid of people who you wanted to know when your own friends made up lies and hateful statements about them? You probably felt indifferent because you have no real empathy for anyone but yourself to fit into whatever godsmack abomination that is against human unity and togetherness. To continue to project your own insecurities to accept poisonous hateful status quos which you allude don't harm you; is only in your mind. You only accept to help people against you ultimately to one day come for you as they do many others. You only accept to harm yourself even by daring to not give people a chance to even be people but reach for the one comfort of all; just arching to do anything to totally rekt people whilst lying to their faces because that is your own only confidence in an environment you damn well don't understand and never will want to if not probably has been your whole confidence your whole life. Yet I cannot confirm that last bit but I assume that is what it is. I forgive you because you are quiet incapable of ever realizing anything wrong and cannot forgive yourself to even move forward from this cycle of instant gratification in harming people.

You know what is worse out of all of this is that you; would claim to be apart of such a devote religion of faith but really are nothing of it but prey on normal people's faith that normal social things will work out that love will shine through. I fear that not at all you are proud of your ways and it is your religion twisted and entrapped in a cage of what is its antithesis. You are but a book full of contradictions. I forgive you because you will never have any real faith to love but devotion to appease people and devotion to conform even though you wish for freedom. I forgive you because you know nothing of real love but damned conformity and ire aggressions against anything that will not surrender like you and turn in on its self. You have no real ability to dream, no real ability to empathy and no real ability to have any faith but shoot down anything that does not match with oppression of identity, advancement, unity or any real goals. You have no courage to even aim for the middleground as much humans do but just use your own tendency to avoid having faith, dreams, freedom and even courage to harm well meaning people who would not do what you would do onto them. You have long given up but as well have yet to even start that is why forgiveness is so vital because you can always change from this person that you are. You can learn empathy, learn courage, learn dreams, learn ambition and very well become a better person but yet a person was snuffed out of being even an individual but a prop in some agendas to be apart of machine and to live in this state of give up. 

A person was aggressed upon because they had normal expectations of what relationships would be if not for the appearance and color of their skin. I am to say that if a person decides to ever live; that they will never be there but yet there is still a chance for a person to be truly happy if they want it. I just refuse to accept the commonality and the continuance of you using my good will and faith to even reach or accommodate you as the basis for current and future attacks. You are like an addict of give up but yet contradict and yet will never cease the torment against me. Never will cease thinking I will return. That I will find a way to reach you in that manner you seek which itself was complete and utter nonsense and really hateful and hurtful which to me begs the question? Why are you so deserving to even think and ponder to yourself that you are my romantic equal in the stars when you really never were even from the start? The column of ideas that you soup together for power and acceptance and yet to contradict them to trash them; that is my romantic equal as is it for everyone even if they don't have it as many people aspire to be treated well and loved. Why do you think its okay to ride the wave of what qualities you don't have. You never aspire to have them or even value them if not ever work to gain them, so why should you have the privilege to pretend the best honesty of romantic equality when you are completely antithetical to it all. At odds with it all that you should apologize for freeloading and ruining all the chances for other people to connect together when you for a moment can not ever understand living and learning like normal people but thinking you are god incarnate on earth above it all and pretending you understand it at all. Romance is not a cheap thing that can be exchanged for coins yet you would make it cheap just so you can pretend that you are very deep and very sage and on this pseudo page with everyone which no one is unless they are just like you.

I frankly got to say that no one could be friends truly with you. You seek the damnation of any happiness they can gain from romantic connections and you have been trained a predator of these connections and just will spread doubts and fracture everything or just push everyone away as I am sure you already have just exiled people after exiling them as people learn who you truly are and fit into the misfortunes they faced in that place. You don't think the dude who you said hello to else in the dorm as you made your pizza run did not eventually listen to the girl who warned about you. Its to be said that likely he did when everything must be a joke to you and just really think so highly of yourself that people love you just for the little effort of interest you dare show but also in that show you don't give a fuck but just want to be free of understanding the nature of hearts if not greater humanity.

You must have ruined so much and become so much in the machine but you will never do so much in the realm of people with hearts as you do in the machine so you will always belong in the machine and thus will always be a weapon and weapons cannot work theirselves least they are robotic. You strangely despite your prestige and your fencing tactics of endangerment aren't such a weapon but a rifle that needs to be pointed and one day you will be pointed at people who are your own only connection to any humanity inside and still you will ignore it as people whom you even wish to be a family with or even help realize that you aren't anyone to be soothed with or around. For all the aggressions you posed to black people; it can easily happen to you who is just a muslim and an Egyptian.  I think that you love that you can avoid this reality by your appearance and behavior alone but everything catches up to everyone and I think that your sadist self awaits this punishment. To hold you into a room and force you to have a life, an ambition and even dreams would be torture upon torture. 

You never gave anyone a chance but at the end the notions you serve will consume any happiness you can have. I really just hope for your mental fulfillment. That you come to terms with what fake reality your ponder to yourself and then to other people to betray it all. I hope you find a true self and one that can realize reality, people and the harms you create. I hope you go on that journey and release these things that you done because people will always remember what you did and how you did it and why you did and never will they forgive you. You never gave me much a chance to be me or a human but just a pawn to your ambitions but you do not control me and foremost do not know me. If a person was expecting a person to continue this gambit of fighting against you as you continue to use an access that only belongs to an equal lover counterpart which you extremely aren't; to use that faith and spiritual notion to continue to harm me- I won't. There was never any real fight there and you aren't but a person who needs help and counseling and never will be the main real cause of conflict. There is no reason for me to waste time and effort to continue to tolerate you when I will simply just release you from this complex of thinking you are the "star crossed lover". I will have you know that you aren't. I will have you know that I will not have any further aggressions or comebacks in that manner you crave which drives your addiction. I will not continue to allow you to use me as a prop as you always have to get what you want in any stage of your addiction to the machine. I forgive you because of all this hostile will and behavior that you brought for nearly a decade; you need to learn that I am not what you say-I have a will and a way and find that the only way to truly not be a pawn into your addiction is to forgive you so that you revert to normal whatever you were before we met and just reconnect with humanity even if you never had it.

This is not love but its tiredness. Its being tired of a person who understands nothing but wants to be about everything and a know it all. I really don't like you and frankly don't ever want to come across you again. I don't even want to remember being used by you but really want to realize some say in a situation which I was never given any amicable say nor was even given any fair justice. But with this I triumph over you by having a say that was hindered day after day, month after month and year after year. It needed to be said and not tossed like all the humanity and all the hearts and all the dreams and all the faith especially you did for me and so many other people.