the day I fell for someone.(2019)

Now earnestly folks, attraction is simple and maybe sweet only if ever reciprocated well. One day, passing an area near the outside tables and chairs outside the art building at a particular community college saw a girl with black hair. Now this girl had the most beautiful black hair of them all. She was somewhat attractive and she was drawing. I went over and introduced myself. I hate using the word,"introduced". I rather convinced myself I did not have any feelings of attraction just to talk to her.Earlier if I had saw someone, I would have pondered the consequences in how it would upset the " convenient poisonous and dangerous hidden social order" but there was none now. Damn them if they ever rose up again. Many people would never have found her attractive. But I did. She was beautiful. I spoke to her and eventually showed each other our art. However, I think now that she talked to me in a condescending manner. Thought I was lower on the scale of experience despite just doing all there is needed to be done at a community college ever. She was cute in her responses. It seemed as if a match. She listened to Porter Robinson. She had a cute name. I could feel something sparkling in me and then she said she had to got to class. I said that I would see her again and she would say the same. Now folks, this looks like a possible cute story. It does from this angle but then again it was not.

In short just because I ever was ever attracted to this girl, I found out just how venomous people can be to your creativity and made me question the very identity of my role in events of being attracted to people. All the girls of the world abandoned me and came back as another person is what happened time and time again. Girls and girls became repetitive always backstabbing. I thought with that sparkle in my thine heart it was going to be different yet it was not. All the more agonizing as if being stabbed through the back from the spine into the area between the lungs, was the betrayal. Found this girl one day gawking with them guys at that other room and let me tell you. They looked racist and they probably smelled it too. They gawked at my post on this site about my comic book project that I had been working on since I was 9 called Zino at one point and Zino Flyboy later on near adulthood. What these tripe asses did not get is that really-they might as well have been laughing at my history. Remembering all the schools and all the bullies and all the efforts of courage with girls that never worked out possibly for the better. Possibly for the better. Because really, why in the fuck should I even let people, these girls in my life when they are just going to out my works to my natural enemies and laugh alongside them. Draw cute images you must. I realize that girl did have the spark of talent and even if they did something that cracked the whole trust dynamic in consideration for girls being anything worthwhile in my life. Try to keep on encouraging this person because I would not give up on that feeling I felt. Yet, friends, a stab in the back is a stab in the back and while the world would be darker without her art I believe-there is no way in heaven I would even again really much take her on seriously.

Let me tell you at the beginning of this year, I worked to the bone working on Zino Flyboy. I did. I tried to tell as much people who were caring and considerate about it but ah, friends everyone is scum no matter who you hope won't be it. Have to realize that you are just tried imaging things just because some really bad shit happened in the past and you need a forever break from that. You just need someone to take care you and you them. But were any of the girls ever met like that. Could backstabber be like that? The simple answer is no. They could never be. Holding them to that standard is like lighting a wax candle that is simple and contrite and expecting it to go "Harry Potter" and change colors. The day I fell for someone was a mistake and if only a person had been there then to cockblock me or convenient get in my way, I would never have met that girl. I would never be with the hole in my heart. That kept bleeding and you plead and plead for it to go away so you can work some more to get ahead of your life and today I am not still sure it has ever healed at all.
So much prospect I imagined with this person in just the forefront of having a friend that was an artist. Just maybe I would have asked her if she was an backstabbing person to go on a date with me. Maybe that would have never ever happened. Even in that person seemed to feel that way about me. Oh, if I was white and I bled the blue under my veins-surely there would never been anyone to be shown the comic as the way it was shown. No, it would have been revered. It would have been respected and if not the girl would never have interjected that icicle into me.

Try to be the man as I can and not cry for all that has ever gone wrong in the subject of even involving in my life. Every modern attempt or happening where a woman likes me always goes wrong because people cannot mind their fucking business in a racist estate where everyone is down to pull down, " the black man". Surely that girl gawked at me because she is an inane uncaring racist asshole who never could know a black person or anyone outside her culture ever at all. Thought it right to fit in with the whites in the boonies because that is where the community college is somewhat centered to receive such ugly as dressing and smelling assholes. Thought it right that if you got this black person under your thumb instead of revering them and not showing their credits of artistry to everyone  to mock them, you do that because they are black! Fuck.

While I do wish that person the best, they surely shaken my resolve to ever be open to dating women while trying to do anything important with my life. Who is not to say that all the women you feel any attraction to or those who feel attraction to you will do good to you and your life ambitions. They will probably just post your pages on instagram or something and mock them or worse and I would never hold it against anyone it either for what I experienced. The disgrace. The blunt honesty of this girl to be such a derelict usurper of what could have just been a nice time.

I do admit it was nice to spend time with this girl. One day, we sat and drew as if together until her class let out to begin. One day, after I shared my Twitter, this girl comes to mock my work and I don't think I really even told her about it if I am to be honest for a person to do this level of vengeance to my work. I don't know if people watch anime but imagine this; the premise is pretty much what could be in a drama level anime. Its a community school. Younger student is approached by an older student who deserves respect. Calling them something like senpai. Okay? (Put some respect on it) Older student starts spending time with them when they can and yet younger student feels an interest too. Until she gets too close and realizes that he is "just a negro" and once he gets to close to share his Twitter feed. She basically goes to people who if given a chance would probably lynch him and shows the work as if to incite some manner of harm onto him. And laughs and laughs. The older student does not know how to feel and thought she was someone and just falls behind no matter how he tries can never return to that premise of her even being in his life. This is a story of loss and benediction in mediation that you can triumph your wishes to just crush the crush! And what is more, younger student is still an artist who needs guidance, can our hero ever give her that guidance to succeed eventually as an artist or should he say" fuck you" despite her talent. Seriously, that would be a fucked up anime. If you can imagine. If this was an actual anime. The girl would be the fucking villain of the story, not the hero. Not anyone to be tolerated but maybe if this was anime-there would be social consequences and not the other way around. How did this girl act once I realized what she said and she noticed. First of all, she before hand mocking me had unfollowed my account on Twitter which is very rude name you. Next she mocked me in public aided by Hitler allies. Next refused but to say a small hello to me. If I ever came on the last day of school to talk to her it was probably to try and figure out, " what the fuck she did or what her motive behind all that crap was. Because I had gone through hell thanks to her.

There is nothing more painful, mentally harming and destructive and damaging to the heart and human trust as being hit in the gut by someone you think you can trust and being made to stand up regardless of how bad it hurts. And oh, it hurt. I did not try to find a replacement for this girl. There were none to be imagined because this girl was unique. Down to her specs of appearance and name and even origin. There was never anyone who did not reinforce how a threat girls/women are a threat to your works. No, they had probably a fancy of destroying your artwork just so they could fuck you. These people knew what danger they were. They knew the stereotypes promoted by society about and on of artists and they solely enjoyed the idea of artists being ended as a people. This is what I believe especially of idiots who can only look at their dumb ass phones they don't even know how it even works. They like their phones don't know how artists work or that they are even people and so I say that clearly. I did not believe anyone could ever be supportive of artists because this girl seemed normal enough right? She was an artist herself and for her own triade ego-showed up my work to the hand of bigots beyond. The little fucked up bigots who think there is even going to be any say for them to complain by how they live their lives to blame everyone else who dare have a pigment. The real life actions of girls and women did not help.So many people did not understand anything on how to even succeed in school or talking to people or treating people. By the end I ever spoke to this girl I was to get some type of closure cause I was still hurt and still bleeding and bleeding all the away past many later rejections. No matter, the girl-there was nothing in them that spelled , " SOCIETY". But pampered child who grew up with no form of moral responsibility or morals or any type of real character but to want lust, power, money, control and just live in a land of lies and truths they could easily believe in such pigeoned minded tactics to gain the aforementioned they would be told to think. However, no matter how much lust, power, money, control or living in lies and fantasies one might seek to do living up to a gold whore of instagram and the net standard-you don't get moral responsibility or morals or anytype of real character. Just maybe Kim K, or whatever should not have more power than black people to release them from prison by meeting with the President or whatever. Just maybe its all a fucking act.

There that one day, I went over to the class she mocked me in and confronted her in the most around the corner manner. But she basically reveled that it was all a mistake she unfollowed me and then proceeded to mock me thus by that. I say she never admitted to mocking me until I brought up the issue and she said, " I am sorry". Of course, too fucking late. I tried to move on and move on and there was no one and if she was the one-did that mean all I was to be was lied to and backstabbed which such low an understanding of what I been through. I never wanted to appeal to seem desperate at all. But really, this girl put me in the ringer. Just made me realize no matter the amount of effort you give, you cannot make shit people good people. You can not control people and evenly I have not spoken to the girl for some time now. I wonder if she still thinks I am walking around that campus like a ghost but then again where and why should give a damn if a person cares at all or knows at all if I even elevated from that place and not apart of the little circle triade. Oft, I realized if I had not been pushed that far by the immoral circumstances prior that one day just to search for some solace from all of that in someone, I would never had met the girl and I should just continue working. If not that motivated me all summer and if not still today greatly.