Unconscious of it's significance

 I ponder what the fuck happened to everyone. You know very few people even graduated college and ultimately that is sad and the people who did are not good people who then manage others in a terrible way and form. Future leaders of the world. I shudder, I would never vote for Katherine for president of any of these women because they lack values that should be a given. I find myself remembering the times worked on the Conflagration projects in the library alone realizing I to this day have not made them to any great potential. That really what is lost to these women is potential to be good people who are not with the venom to other people. They did not learn any great thing in college. Nowadays I find myself lost in their own recollection of events that is very alive with sensationalism and " I am the unique hero" idealism of the past when they liked me and it's not even as things were but I can tell they were greatly fond of me to think my times in that place and my life beforehand was pleasure able. It never was. A hell it has been to foster Kyeombi this far. I am lost now in their own bitter introspection and I am now not a person but someone to turn against in this racist system. Someone to hate and ultimately I am done.

It's Friday, you know I would hang out with Gabby and friends on every day but that day at night. It's proof we were never friends at all but really that girl Gabby wanted to fuck me and so did her friend Veronica because Gabby wanted to. I started to realize the dynamics and ultimately hung with people who were normal towards me and did not avoid me on Fridays or during the day even. These people were on the 3rd floor of the dorm and this is where Mariam would come in with her suggestive wills.

I got to say that hmm, the people want to pretend they know anything and convince their selves they do when at the end of the day they do not. I was trying to get back to this mindset and this reality in fall2016 and the start of 2017 but what had been done I could no longer properly remember. It caused me painpeople toyears and years. I would stay up at night trying to search for what I lost but I realize now that what I was doing in my dorm room no one fucking knew. No one ever was in there as I was creating the path forward. I realize now it was me who did the work and dared to dream when no one else would or could. 

You have to realize the methods of the then modern to make a comic are not really suited to make them in any affordable time saving efficient manner and if left up to everyone; no comics would exist. I would remember when my practice of being in my room and at the community college really took off to allow me to even continue my research to make my comic dreams come true. Now anyone who laughs at this is a fucking fool. I in my worst hour creating things that really I astonish myself I created. I look back and realize never were the woman who so wanted to be with me even there. Just lost in their own head.

When you are creating something in a very hostile word realize that ultimately you won't be celebrated for and people it's very hard to even have a relationship in the toxic shit and rumor mill around these colleges and places on top of that. I am not going to risk my life on people who literally are not independent thinkers and if with me they would just be my sycophants and not an equal. Calamatia confirmed this- anyone basically could not handle me and my aspirations and just used it to be rude, evil, cruel and thinking whatever they think about something I never publicly shared is their property. It ain't. I would say they have the excuse as fans and potential romantic partners but no one definitely not some ugly fuck old man or woman has any of these excuses.

When I was thinking of Apotogyme 2017/ Magma 109 in 2017/ Beryond 13( 2017) I created many of these works trying to escape racist people who wanted to start shit with me being in their own head and not seeing reality. I realize that perhaps if not for this diversity falsehood that many of these women would just show their true selves. At the community college people had nothing to lose by being fake and thought racism would help them pass math. This dude acted as if he could understand the work of Magma 109 and said onto me ," that is a sick idea". As if absolute but well it was not. It is to be said I never released this idea because I was not finished in my recovery but I realize that this work could not be killed even if I was unconscious of it's significance.