To Mariam never to be loved by me.

 Mariam, I would dream such sweet things about you. I would truly even try to decide some great imagination to you for like four years but ultimately when I realize who you truly were- I gotta say I was conflicted but then I realized reality. You sound too much like a dude, will get fucking fat in your old age,and are very ungrateful. I really got to say you had me really going crazy for some comfortable life with you and framing of it once I got past the curve of where I was in my development of making Kyeombi true in  fall 2016's start. I never felt so determined to lead a detergent life free of risk, harm and just the prospect of nice living with you. How you were seemingly so sweet saying hello to me because then in fall 2013 I truly was at my low point. Don't get me wrong, many people excited for college; I am just playing a script to maximize my chances to find a romantic partner and get Kyeombi off the ground. I just wanted to get it done. Thinking about us ten years into the future thinking you would be my wife and we would have kids. But no. 

I felt embarrassed for even wasting my mind all that time on you. I am keeping this respectful because unlike you I am a gentleman. I come to you on this day if you ever read this to tell you that I give up. There is nothing there. You and your boss win but it was not in my head. It was never in my head because you saw it and felt it too and just denied anything and your dark involvements too in the single blow of that elevator. You are a dirty person and no detergent to clothes or a bath will make you clean. Your soul is wicked. I have saved my words for years since I realized which you is the you. Not the person you pretended to be and got in trouble pretending to be which is why you were bitter when I contacted you and you were not in character and had no shield to do whatever. Disgusted in me? I am more disgusted that I could not control my mind nor my body to stay the bleep away from you. I felt so disgusting realizing a dude used like a ragdoll for your regime's propaganda. I was the diversity hire and you felt more comfortable approaching me seeing me as not a full black person or " like them". It just made me angry, you are no different than the ghetto black people at my former school who basically kicked my heritage and color itself.

The fucked up thing is I dreamed of flipping hotels with you for some reason before that fall 2016, the summer and well maybe that is real. You know?! You love these things to destroy their true value. You have talent producing them but having a mind to objectively understand; you are not a smart person at all but someone who is lucky their mind is attuned yo grab garbage information and hold onto it and that is all your degree is to you. No form or self study further but the bare minimal postured as superiority just because of a fancy resume. You know what you are and what you do.  It's how you got me under your spell. I still find it in me that as I said on that day in the message that I loved you; I still do but not you perhaps at all. The you that could have been a good person but we know you won't and you will never be.

It's to say I wished I could have spoken to you but I know that it I did then I probably would have been killed. You are so deep in the shit that literally you cannot let go for how much of it you are surrounded by. I really wish a dude had anything else to say that maybe in some other life I could write you notes everyday before you went to work and before you went to bed. That I could cook breakfast for you and we could go out in dates and that out marriage would last years till the end but nah. You had to be on the wrong side in this life. Pretend, deny and evade and say hello when your facade started to spill hold onto me and the future you knew you had to achieve to be in some monkey's good chances. You get a husband, a child and you and he would be diverse . Children could go to the school and profits high for the school in the future but literally you had nothing to hold to when I jetsoned away and you crashed into anger and loathing and hate for you not being good for you.

 Who you truly are. When I said I loved you I meant it until I realized it was not the you who would be the one . You were like you don't even know me wanting to be recognized for you and not her and that was a yearning heart that became connected really. You sought my validation and yet blocked me for your own good. To you, you continued to harass me for years  after this even when I had no answer did I love the true you. The answer is no. If you were to be the physical avatar of who I love then yes but you were done playing that game.l truly did want to love you but no, after everything no I don't. It never had to be this way and that is just on you.