The dreams to nightmares

 I often think back if I had any dreams in college and the thing is I really did not dream in that place really much. I remember before I was really set off to never much sleep in that dorm bed by (1) the roommate puking in the room by consuming alcohol underage(2) the countless ladies that would be over and (3) him sleeping with Camile was the final straw and with my parents hating on my new work different things trying to control my destiny of what to create and this site was borne to which I did not sleep regular hours to avoid a dismal future; the time in that bed was over. It seemed like a dream.

 The experience ironically of not going to sleep and being on your feet to stop a mediocre destiny. I will tell you the only time I would sit on that bed was after a shower to which I pondered my destiny and you know I realized that it was highly unlikely that many of these people who did not fight a mediocre faith and did not care to be their own persons that I would not find love here unless I involved people in danger as a dude likely had upset those of which I will call the administrative regime. A dude would like to believe that the girls at the time were not apart of this regime and it would remain an ideal so I could be happy. That is not of this world. Time and time again they would prove that literally I had made the worst decisions and should have just gone with other people if a dude wanted to be happy. This is what I often would think about on that bed fighting the mediocre outcome.  I did chase the dream.

I did not let the lack of sleep consume me in my effort but ultimately; this was far from ideal and these two parties did impact a hurt on me to which the true vision of things was lost. Mostly acting in anger, fear and then survival is what I part made Mk Mzodern but literally that is a natural reaction to all these things. If I could go back to see the other path and what a dude could have done naturally at My Teenage Confection it probably would have been a collection of music videos. I did work on a project like this both semesters but I never finished it but alas no one else was in this Fly or Fight situation and you know what I realized it was best to never be placed in this position ever again. Yet the women tried this again with calamatia. Meaning to me you are no match in heaven but yet at that time nothing ever happened bad. These girls would have some sort of magical quality in my heart and somewhat I wish who they were when they were 18 would live on but literally that is all gone now from most of them.

You know at a certain point I did not want to be at college anymore when I saw Camile in bed with that dude. I truly wanted to go back home and really much it was just a sign for me to cut time there short. Deep down when I saw that I knew everything would end in disaster but yet even for what I hoped my parents were I realized that those two in the bed were much like them and so I did not want to go back home at all. You know what I am saying, I realized that if they were to be a couple would they be supportive of their children's goals. No, not at all pretty much and ultimately I decided I must stand on my own two feet. This was much the ugliest wake up ever like teeth in the brain. You know when I be on that bed I wondered if a dude had a chance against all the inherent racism I knew was inside each of those women, the lacking support in anybody behind dreams the such of mine, and this regime brainwashing them. I choose to trust in the greater themes of humanity however so you have to understand that literally I already gave them the benefit of the doubt. Yet they really did not seem to care later or could know or really much have a brain to realize this.

Mariam I thought was the most mature and person who could eventually become my wife realistically was the least from it. An idiot who praises their selves a genius when they aren't. Or some pseudo intellectual when literally the same person who uses a parasocial connection with me to act as if they knew anyone when they choose to be alone.

Ashley the African American one I felt myself feeling the most for in the element of a life together but alas why a dude is always cautious of dating other African Americans is because they don't understand Latino/ Caribbean culture and ultimately are idiots worse than white people and pretty much it never ends well when I decided genuinely to like a person not because they are African American but because I liked them. The funny thing is that the girl really did not give a fuck about me and really much never did respond to anything I sent out despite how she acted in that time. She really preferred the unlearned identity of a Latino made popular by the news and just kinda of fetishes the lighter brown dudes. It hurts to see that my intuition was right.

I am not going to go further with the examples but ultimately, for which it it is to be said there was still a lot to dream in that place but yet for circumstances alone I never truly reached the full potential of my comic studies to which I could have if none of the stuff happened that did. But I think that Mk Mzodern existing is something that was going to happen anyways I just choose to change the website name then to mark a better drive to be committed to my ideas. I am saying simply that literally I never got past the 1st run of things and maybe if I try things again and think back to all the ideas I did not pursue in that time and do it better. I looked into my older books and there are so many things not follow through on. I have yet to make the conflagration works full works or even comics after that. I have not done the same with mk mzodern originals such as to continue the stories like with Kevin M it has never gotten a true 1st volume or anything much and the comic remains unreleased.

But yet these things could understandably pushed back by a lack of mental restraint to think that creativity does not matter and that my dreams are childs play. It's a taught entitlement these girls learned when they became women corrupted by that administrative body and it's false Nazi religious promises. I will explain that later but it's careful to understand the why of how people even become administrative faction persons in the first place from what they were earlier or maybe they had always been like this and groomed earlier since middle school. I think that never will these women apologize to me for the harm they have caused and continue to cause but recently I really did work on the  four original works of mine; Zino, Magma 109, Universe Express and Mysterious and Changer. 

You see why did I not work on these works?! 😭 At the start it was because I needed to practice doing other things so I could truly move on to actual make comics for them.  But after that point when I really needed for people to leave me alone so I complete the works in fall 2016 they refused. They would rather believe the administrative function and think this was something good. Camile never was apart of the mob and so where many other people but Mariam and Ashley they held such pivotal roles in something made to fucking lynch me. I hated the fact of these women this is all they wanted to be and truly not apologetic either. Mariam was never apologetic and this is a person I chatted with but arrogant and a proud racist. I never felt disgusted at my human condition to like ever more than that. She choose this life to fuck with me in this manner when she could have just left me alone but no I was her target to progress in that illicit organization. To which when last year this fucker wants to rewrite history just set a terrible precedent for the competitors who want to be leader. In contrast to Mariam, Ashley is someone who will never be accepted by Arab and South East Asians and this is a fucking idiot who never realizes she works for a racist organization. 

You may pose the question that it is sexist to assume they want to be with me but I never said that. But yet at the point of them getting so involved with me; it's only logic that a person would want that to be the outcome but no. I long realized before fall 2016 that literally I could not trust them and just on that day never excepted then to even appear. To me my works where not that important for me to be killed over but honestly that is what they think. It reasons to my logic, why would do this? It did not happen out of the blue. There is a reason. That is what I pondered. And what I said prior is the answer. But to greatly summarize, their organization sees that me a black person creating these works would likely create so much funds for other black people and creatives but that is not the society these Nazis want. Funny thing is that historically Nazis hate art. Hitler could have been with his own animation company instead of slaughtering many Jews. It's that shut down of a dream that can truly make a monster but yet that is not in regards of me but of these women. Their dreams was my death. They built me up as a celebrity and now wanted me dead. This is why everything has been hindered. Only with my skills did I escape that trap and yet to recover from it mentally and physically because it was literally quite a scare; I gotta say fuck them.

But yet Mk Mzodern has so much more to offer.