mindgames extra 13 "cursed"
That friday in the english; the girl of dreams was not there. Made me realize how desolate even coming to that place without a welcoming face was and for all the bitter eyes just kept my eyes closed because I was not here for the people and namely just here to learn. That was the point I realized there was nothing to learn. Listened to the teacher babble on about and she made us do this assignment and go partnered up with this girl who wanted to pretend she liked me and gave me a pencil when I did not have one and simply expected the day to be about the teacher talking on a serious of summy tangents most relating onward to herself and not inviting for anyone like me to respond really much. I mean her whole disposition granted was based on the clarity of the level of privilege and entitlement you can get in college and she was that and just more of annoying privilege else. Spoke sometimes how her father ran off with her best friend.
Really made me question why I was there just to let some upstart have a career in whatever english teaching or english whatever and be mocked as if this was not cripes to insane that this person was not a very good teacher at all. The main thing of this semester in this class was to write one essay and we had to do a sum of creative not at all exercises to build up the one essay and if the teacher did not like what you made for the essay by the end even if it was good by the 3rd time around~ you just did not have a far chance of passing compared to four or five assignments each could be said subjected to different judgements and biases. But no; here the whole class was determined by how much the teacher was lazy and how much she thought of you as a person. Her whole sum of entitlement to led and by the virtue she thought of herself very highly doing a poor job meant that in a blur all her judgement upon your assignment-was based on how well her blurry stance could even render you an "acceptable image". Her image of me was not acceptable by an means and if to say her laziness to not assign real assignments and "keep things under control" when a person could say she was not focused all together on the class but the money from it-just had a lazy compelling view that was not realistic. Just like some many people who wanted to grasp for a strangers' hand and think the stranger would be petted and allowed to be a role in which they would like just on the merit of their eyes cloudy and judgy and their merits of entitlement simply by being in college. Or merits as if they were apart of a secret society where people were items in roles and not people you had to communicate with to get relationships from and that all was good in the land and that people were just free to be "theirs". This entitled shone through this teacher in a many sum of capable aspects and one to say register upmost cruel and undignified. Believing you were as you were not from her lazy entitled point of view and really to say she was the one who was having trouble to come to class and she was the one to even be "woke" to the realness of reality and just because she had this job it continued entitlement she received since she was at college. As if one point she was one of the blurry eyed gopher opportunists. The very thought revolted and really I was alongside one of these gophers and had to play friendly.
The class ended and well to the next class; was a more realistic class. That Friday we were made to get into separate groups and I got to work with this short cropped hair girl and her roommate with a similar hair style and this one guy. This girl foremost with short cropped hair basically flicked me off for beat boxing and then speaking to her. Rather ignored me and was just a pretentious individual one shall measure is never worth speaking to in the group even if you get along with the small words exchanged. There was another dude in the group and largely he was just more of less vocal but also not well received by the short cropped hair girl but her other pal basically was more acceptive to speaking to either one of us. We gave our presentations and the girl did all the speaking. The Teacher who was a teacher assistant of this friday History lab warned us to study for the test that was going to be on Tuesday of the next week. Somewhat would have been happy to been in that group with that girl; only if she was a person you could even speak to in the first place but I did not know her and really was keeping my options, " open" but for all that openness realize it is not happiness and particularly don't like the girl nearly as much as any other but just see a chance for a relationship. Yet to say could never really judge a person when you don't know them to have a closed mind and say they are this and that when truly they have never proven it at all. I could never take those stairs they reminded me of a sum of traps around this campus that people if overtly excited and thinking college is safe and in fact safer than most places of public commonwealth which it is not; you'd fall over and kill yourself by being full of imagery that is not at all to the realm of real. Allowing bad circumstances to happen because you are too trusting and don't realize for many people college is just a danger some people never survive especially in this place with sneaky, self priding badgers and monsters who come up with ever excuse to their unlawful acts and intentions that really dwell a circumstance of privilege in this one place to do a wrong because its acceptable by some people and just hide the involvement of their acts because simply they would be vindicated if it ever came out whatever they were doing. No; it would not and while these people would try to hide it only it never took a genius to figure out the culprits when they have chocolate on their hands for eating the christmas' store or special christmas season bunny without paying for it or any item that was not for a pay at all made of chocolate. Namely that sole christmas season bunny was only for display and maybe just maybe they were never going to get what they wanted out of it; but stale and a bad taste in their mouth for acts only criminals only do in place in which normal people communicate and follow long relationships and conversations to engage in. Yet many people as well would never outright steal the display bunny-they would never try to eat it without contract or payment or any good social means to realize if it was for sale or not. But yet here we have such a group of people thinking it okay to eat as many bunnies as they wanted of the stale kind and not be caught or held liable by society common sense and led by hype, privilege and just idiocy to believe everything is about them for just being in college. Lost all common sense to even know the rules of people and even lost all common sense to be by theirselves held accountable by the rules of people and let privilege wind their face to wish for that stranger's hand.
Onerous to say these blurred eyed people had various leaders in their social standing and seemingly recognized older member authority especially when teachers or maybe the head of the entire school and the followers of a regime in an administration building? These thoughts I thought as I walked towards the elevator and namely as I did this girl who was attractive and seemed smart stepped inside with me. As if I could not be freed from the main chances of being with this or that girl ever at all and constantly to say would never be able to commit to people outright like a normal person and that similarly some people's expectations were out right annoying and if not wrapped in a system of thought that was very priding and poisonous to people being any but their property. I did look at the girl and say hello when she came in but other than that realized the certain status quo and see was not the average cloudy gopher. She knew more in terms of mental cognitive capacity and yet tried to maximize as much as how much her hand could be fed. In real life instances prior to this point and life happenings- I have been taught that really women very outgoing to talk to you but seem to have a feeling of loathing you and only see the outside and don't look in to respect a person only want some superficial or sex. For that merit I said nothing to her but this girl kept embing and expecting me to say something and she said, " this is it"
" yea" I said and she walked off strangely. I began to worry if not abiding by her principals of what was supposed to happen that she was going to retaliate and out of my conscious realized in order to keep this person in check would have to play pretend to pursue them so they did not murk up at any chances of being with anyone else at all. Because that is the level of threatening her actions were. She was a foreign student and maybe the freedom of a new culture allowed her to simply behave as if she was ornate like jewelry for a person to be forced to wear. Namely to say there was a worse group of determined people out of these blurred eyed people~ones that engaged with force words that really were antisocial and begging to take what is given consentingly. Trying to force some view onto another and that would be her certain privilege to say and thinking she was enlightening them to a truth. Only a crazy person who is fed on the power of privilege or sudden abundance of it could ever
think such things when that "truth" was a self appointed delusion to do some wrong to some people. Intending only to permit an abusive circumstance and think its funny with a smile and otherwise blank face. Namely to say I did not like this girl and she did not like me. She just wanted a toy and pinned that definition on me and for whatever she would expect she would not get because instead she would be disenchanted by a person doing things naturally so much it would turn her off.
Basically now had a living target on my back and frankly a person who could actually do harm moreso or equal to the other dangers I previously faced and the only way to shake her off was to pretend in a reality in which he were actually going for a couple status and it would slowly be built up like the underdog story of the guy getting the girl. The whole righteous path would shake off a person who only wanted the privilege of sex by her cultures expectations of certain people in their society. I went back to the dorm first and then to the library after all this and these thoughts never went away. Why did I even have to pretend to save my ass from a walking target that could by their level of mental insanity could kill me and no one not even me expect it namely because they were a " woman".
I did the same things this day as many other days; I went to the pond and sat. I went back to the dorm and there was nothing going on at all. Stayed in my room after going to eat. Only came out to go the furthest away from so called friends. Find you cannot escape the gaze of certain people in public and just hide out in my room or just go to other floors where everyone is not party going and doing dick.
That night at near midnight came back to the same lobby as before to draw a promotion picture for my blog. I stayed there to color my picture and got these disingenuous stares and decided to go back inside my room and not waste time dealing with people.
Really made me question why I was there just to let some upstart have a career in whatever english teaching or english whatever and be mocked as if this was not cripes to insane that this person was not a very good teacher at all. The main thing of this semester in this class was to write one essay and we had to do a sum of creative not at all exercises to build up the one essay and if the teacher did not like what you made for the essay by the end even if it was good by the 3rd time around~ you just did not have a far chance of passing compared to four or five assignments each could be said subjected to different judgements and biases. But no; here the whole class was determined by how much the teacher was lazy and how much she thought of you as a person. Her whole sum of entitlement to led and by the virtue she thought of herself very highly doing a poor job meant that in a blur all her judgement upon your assignment-was based on how well her blurry stance could even render you an "acceptable image". Her image of me was not acceptable by an means and if to say her laziness to not assign real assignments and "keep things under control" when a person could say she was not focused all together on the class but the money from it-just had a lazy compelling view that was not realistic. Just like some many people who wanted to grasp for a strangers' hand and think the stranger would be petted and allowed to be a role in which they would like just on the merit of their eyes cloudy and judgy and their merits of entitlement simply by being in college. Or merits as if they were apart of a secret society where people were items in roles and not people you had to communicate with to get relationships from and that all was good in the land and that people were just free to be "theirs". This entitled shone through this teacher in a many sum of capable aspects and one to say register upmost cruel and undignified. Believing you were as you were not from her lazy entitled point of view and really to say she was the one who was having trouble to come to class and she was the one to even be "woke" to the realness of reality and just because she had this job it continued entitlement she received since she was at college. As if one point she was one of the blurry eyed gopher opportunists. The very thought revolted and really I was alongside one of these gophers and had to play friendly.
The class ended and well to the next class; was a more realistic class. That Friday we were made to get into separate groups and I got to work with this short cropped hair girl and her roommate with a similar hair style and this one guy. This girl foremost with short cropped hair basically flicked me off for beat boxing and then speaking to her. Rather ignored me and was just a pretentious individual one shall measure is never worth speaking to in the group even if you get along with the small words exchanged. There was another dude in the group and largely he was just more of less vocal but also not well received by the short cropped hair girl but her other pal basically was more acceptive to speaking to either one of us. We gave our presentations and the girl did all the speaking. The Teacher who was a teacher assistant of this friday History lab warned us to study for the test that was going to be on Tuesday of the next week. Somewhat would have been happy to been in that group with that girl; only if she was a person you could even speak to in the first place but I did not know her and really was keeping my options, " open" but for all that openness realize it is not happiness and particularly don't like the girl nearly as much as any other but just see a chance for a relationship. Yet to say could never really judge a person when you don't know them to have a closed mind and say they are this and that when truly they have never proven it at all. I could never take those stairs they reminded me of a sum of traps around this campus that people if overtly excited and thinking college is safe and in fact safer than most places of public commonwealth which it is not; you'd fall over and kill yourself by being full of imagery that is not at all to the realm of real. Allowing bad circumstances to happen because you are too trusting and don't realize for many people college is just a danger some people never survive especially in this place with sneaky, self priding badgers and monsters who come up with ever excuse to their unlawful acts and intentions that really dwell a circumstance of privilege in this one place to do a wrong because its acceptable by some people and just hide the involvement of their acts because simply they would be vindicated if it ever came out whatever they were doing. No; it would not and while these people would try to hide it only it never took a genius to figure out the culprits when they have chocolate on their hands for eating the christmas' store or special christmas season bunny without paying for it or any item that was not for a pay at all made of chocolate. Namely that sole christmas season bunny was only for display and maybe just maybe they were never going to get what they wanted out of it; but stale and a bad taste in their mouth for acts only criminals only do in place in which normal people communicate and follow long relationships and conversations to engage in. Yet many people as well would never outright steal the display bunny-they would never try to eat it without contract or payment or any good social means to realize if it was for sale or not. But yet here we have such a group of people thinking it okay to eat as many bunnies as they wanted of the stale kind and not be caught or held liable by society common sense and led by hype, privilege and just idiocy to believe everything is about them for just being in college. Lost all common sense to even know the rules of people and even lost all common sense to be by theirselves held accountable by the rules of people and let privilege wind their face to wish for that stranger's hand.
Onerous to say these blurred eyed people had various leaders in their social standing and seemingly recognized older member authority especially when teachers or maybe the head of the entire school and the followers of a regime in an administration building? These thoughts I thought as I walked towards the elevator and namely as I did this girl who was attractive and seemed smart stepped inside with me. As if I could not be freed from the main chances of being with this or that girl ever at all and constantly to say would never be able to commit to people outright like a normal person and that similarly some people's expectations were out right annoying and if not wrapped in a system of thought that was very priding and poisonous to people being any but their property. I did look at the girl and say hello when she came in but other than that realized the certain status quo and see was not the average cloudy gopher. She knew more in terms of mental cognitive capacity and yet tried to maximize as much as how much her hand could be fed. In real life instances prior to this point and life happenings- I have been taught that really women very outgoing to talk to you but seem to have a feeling of loathing you and only see the outside and don't look in to respect a person only want some superficial or sex. For that merit I said nothing to her but this girl kept embing and expecting me to say something and she said, " this is it"
" yea" I said and she walked off strangely. I began to worry if not abiding by her principals of what was supposed to happen that she was going to retaliate and out of my conscious realized in order to keep this person in check would have to play pretend to pursue them so they did not murk up at any chances of being with anyone else at all. Because that is the level of threatening her actions were. She was a foreign student and maybe the freedom of a new culture allowed her to simply behave as if she was ornate like jewelry for a person to be forced to wear. Namely to say there was a worse group of determined people out of these blurred eyed people~ones that engaged with force words that really were antisocial and begging to take what is given consentingly. Trying to force some view onto another and that would be her certain privilege to say and thinking she was enlightening them to a truth. Only a crazy person who is fed on the power of privilege or sudden abundance of it could ever
think such things when that "truth" was a self appointed delusion to do some wrong to some people. Intending only to permit an abusive circumstance and think its funny with a smile and otherwise blank face. Namely to say I did not like this girl and she did not like me. She just wanted a toy and pinned that definition on me and for whatever she would expect she would not get because instead she would be disenchanted by a person doing things naturally so much it would turn her off.
Basically now had a living target on my back and frankly a person who could actually do harm moreso or equal to the other dangers I previously faced and the only way to shake her off was to pretend in a reality in which he were actually going for a couple status and it would slowly be built up like the underdog story of the guy getting the girl. The whole righteous path would shake off a person who only wanted the privilege of sex by her cultures expectations of certain people in their society. I went back to the dorm first and then to the library after all this and these thoughts never went away. Why did I even have to pretend to save my ass from a walking target that could by their level of mental insanity could kill me and no one not even me expect it namely because they were a " woman".
I did the same things this day as many other days; I went to the pond and sat. I went back to the dorm and there was nothing going on at all. Stayed in my room after going to eat. Only came out to go the furthest away from so called friends. Find you cannot escape the gaze of certain people in public and just hide out in my room or just go to other floors where everyone is not party going and doing dick.
That night at near midnight came back to the same lobby as before to draw a promotion picture for my blog. I stayed there to color my picture and got these disingenuous stares and decided to go back inside my room and not waste time dealing with people.
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