efforts and ties; dreams to nightmares.

 There were some extreme things all across 2021. You just could not get a break. Time and time again people would not stand for you but terror. They realize some connection. They realize it time and time again but through higher powers such as corrupt schools and their pressing toxic mentalities think they are better off without you. To see people belittle you out of some perceived power gain is the most disgusting thing that can be. Much of the time it is just racism, greed, insanity and evil at work. Other times it is just people giving up on you not even knowing much about you or even giving you much a chance. To believe that a person who is a stranger is their star crossed lover these people are too lazy and too fearful to go out of their way to even chase this dream when things don't happen easily nor question why they do. They rather just believe their campy college is all moral and everything that went wrong is on the face of the other. Its just an act of mental laziness. To believe the world is so perfect that the outlier of it begin wrong is a person whom is not only know at all but in great circumstances not cultural know nor are the actual feelings of the person even taken to any vantage. 

If not; void the whole moral leanings of the other and try to politicize them and justify their existence in their " special place and special time in their life" instead of recognizing them as equals. Worse; thinking that they must appeal to the same values such as being a brainwashed zealot for a school, religious values and a prick with an attention to detail in being dismissive of other people just because they aren't just like them. Its to be said so many times in the past with any type of woman is grand degree of belittling and hating for a person's identity and they expect you to be with them and exactly how they expect people to behave. Let me tell you many people don't even know how to socialize with people besides the limited means of communication that their group of people even aspire to communicate especially the religious and conservative. These people aren't fun and don't have anything to offer but conformity and see affirming truths which are just misinformation and allow them to act as if they are smart when they keep a great admiration for stupid and not knowing things. They refuse real sexual education and just make up nonsense about people they assume are just all about " sex" and never apologize for these rude assumptions. Such to be said some people want you to communicate as a lesser person to a level a degree which is only acceptance by the people they associate with by societal standards aren't even the standard. Its to be said some people are like courting people who simply want to be lesser humans; there is a bare standard that is often unwritten but is known by a competent individual in society.

I am to tell you that greatly there are some great injustices in the world and not to tout my horn; its the inability of these people who were otherwise innocent people at the start( or as colleges would like you to believe and you could greatly argue they aren't but to a social degree are) to even learn how to accept other people or communicate with them that sets them back for their entire lives. When colleges especially fail at teaching people who are deficit the proper social mannerisms and yet encourage their most toxic beliefs; you have to realize what benefit do these places actually have but for people to embrace their own echochambers whatever they are religiously, color and politics if not lifestyle. I am to say a person was greatly turned off by the social atmosphere in which I found in actual colleges.  People just want to believe they are right when they are so fucking wrong and will never cease to believe they are right despite as the time passes they can no longer be tolerate for many offensives because they are no longer children but people who love their profound ignorance.

The worst thing of the social experience in college is realizing people whom you could be friends with and romantically involved with for them to just turn out to be basic idiots and people who really for the life of them don't care about even the baseline of social metrics and think they can just do anything and be right in the end. As well just give into a system that does them more social harm than good. Imagine being so ignorant and indignant; you only accept people who are different from you in skin color and else only if they are exactly like you but that will never happen. People have different cultures and even if they are exactly like you; they have different lifestyles and personalities. The world is not a place where everything is so simple and you can politicize people to oblivion. You just cannot do that. But this is what colleges inspire people to do instead of appreciating people as real people.  There is to be said that for many in the college sphere; a person of color can only be seen when they are throughly academic and follow the same entrenched ideology of the college system which is at best a fear of arts, free will, discovery and any idealism of civility towards those who choose not to go to college, cannot go and those who never need college.

I have to say at the beginning of my college experience it was all honky dory. I would speak to people who would be my common enemies later on as if they were good people. I will say I did not just speak to women but all people at the start-most people who I lived with on my dorm floor I had spoken to at least once or even knew they existed.I spoke to people in the library and other regions of the campus. The great things about the dorm was that it was full of pretentious insufferables and whilst they existed in the library there was some sort of class system between those who lived in the dorms and those who did not. Some people tried to keep their distance from you thinking it would ruin their not so hidden ambitions of living in the dorms by overtly racist ideas and assumptions. It is sick when people assume that you will sleep with them just because of your race. To be said there is this great divide in some colleges and deeply reveals an unpleasant culture where people cannot be respected as people regards of their standing in financials and this or that idealism that a school waves around like *cough* diversity. Such to be said greatly some people in the dorms were just opportunists. Others just believed because of some feigned idea of whatever diversity should mean and were led to just think it meant sexual exploration upon the different people of color. A great deal of people were good people at the start but just corrupted by the place. Others were fake. Its to be said that greatly; the school itself was responsible for the toxic nature upon the campus by its hidden agendas, its constant class system even to a point where AP students are even cared about to any importance in a college situation given even their own levels of a library which no one else could go and ultimately pretending to be nice and kind when brutal and insane. Surely to be said everything went sideways by the end of the semester and you would think it would be good because you made such friends to hang out with but it was never good because you never got to speak to these people. They never spoke to you after a point. Everything just became an assumption and that is where things get dangerous and crumble. You realize upon further inspection these people aren't your friends, they don't share the same values and ultimate have no great will but to fail to even match a status quo of "academic student" that does not even represent their needs, desires and level of college preparedness. So many people I knew on a floor never graduated with a degree because they ate the school's bullshit and thought they were apart of a higher class and they could never fail out. But the thing is the college is only made for one group of people and those who are indifferent to any other way of life than just being a "by the books academic" with no real aspirations or even level of self individualism and thinking.

Going into the women category (as a person is only interested in women); so many people attributed you doing what was necessary for you as being a threat to them and their whole image of things. Some people want to be "by the books academics" who cannot think for theirselves and even organize anything for theirselves but follow 4 years of constant brainwashing and then have an actual fucking life. It cannot be done. Someone I knew wanted to be a photographer but lowkey they actually needed to think for theirselves on how to become that and usually should have thought about getting the necessary skills to do that. I dunno what they were doing but cowardice does not make you a good photographer. Be a person of the academica and live your life miserable because you never had the real guts to stand up for yourself and practice what you needed to be successful.  You can go to all the college you want; it will never give you any real value when all you want to do is make photography your living. I think that pretty much some people just cannot help theirselves. They love living in pain and wasting their time on things they don't enjoy. Its just the life they make for theirselves. Much enough a person who did an interest in photography would try to be nice to me at the start of college just because I was an artist but never  could stand up for the life they wanted. Fearing me for dare asking the vital questions that in all sum are my private fucking business and yes were necessary to move me towards my goals and ambitions. Its to be said the education system values a coward who cannot think for theirselves than people who want to ask the vital questions to complete their dreams and move their lives truly forward.

Its just that can a person who is not a coward like a person who is a coward. A person who did not put any great deal of effort into their own goals and just expected them to fall out of the sky. They never tried to learn from anyone else but accept the world is just like their home in an oyster. Ultimately they were one of the least social people on the floor I lived. They greatly spoke to no one and seemingly much weren't friends with many people. Never saw them around with anyone and really much just limited their opportunities to gain any broader social knowledge just to foolishly confirm their spectacular innocence and own special nature that they could win at the things they set forth just by doing nothing. A person conversely experimented so much with the whole idealisms of what they were searching for, broadening their social horizons just to see how other people lived and really much reflected on how they could reach their goals. If not created in an in-progress record about everything they attempted to do. They broke out of a shell that was much of a hinderance. This person just settled in with people who gravely only confirmed their inner fears and held them back. I am to say its nuts to expect two opposite sides of a coin to even find any real love but yet for some strange reason there would be this connection as maybe this person was the only person trying to do something even in the lieu of the other-reach a dream. However is it the one who actually tries responsibility that the other succeeds? Now; I might seem hypocritical for what the 23 year old me tried to do helping another artist but the situation was different; that individual had no given up and was in some sluggish manner and maybe ill fitting manner at least doing something to reach their goals. This person did not try at all but use it as a subject to talk about theirselves in conversation and nothing more. Generally this person put so little effort that another stranger would not actually give a damn about helping them when they were adamant on not even helping theirselves. It goes to say they were most ignorant in just closing off theirselves to people who really could have else helped them if the thing that they aspired behind was not just for talk. No one had any obligation to help this person is what I am to say. Greatly; it would be a waste of time to as the person was just full of theirselves and using their situation for social levity and nothing more. 

Yet existed some potential in this person. They were foremost friendly even if it could be recognize as fake and there was some understanding mutual between two parties of the importance of art even if the degree of action either party took was different. Aside from all the efforts of reaching the dreams or not even trying; there was something deeper that could have become but lo and behold it was not the side I was on that shut even that door. But the person so vain they could only be this better person of status and you would be the one on the bench. Of course that was never even true when if anything; a person who was not lying to theirselves and belittling theirselves was the better person by not hating theirselves. Truly this person just liked believe alot of nonsense propaganda and one of those people who have like a token childhood black friend they go off to college with and really much not a person who was even that beneficial to even know. Why? They closed all doors that you could even know them or even exist alongside them in any civil nature. Claiming superiority when at first they tried to be nice and then really much were people who were just inflating their self image when they have none of the metrics to go with that notion. Ultimately choosing to insult the only familiar person to their certain situation and not even wanting to just even get to know the other person before they had to slam down some inferior imaging over their name and act as if that is what they are. 

There is to be said a vicious cycle in higher education regarding women of all types and definitions at least those who are so easily endoctrinated by the "fringe benefits" of education that are like the freedom for people to be greatly discriminatory, having no responsibility for their own actions, entitlement to people especially sexually based on endoctrinated idealisms( diversity faux campaign) and literally not caring about how bad their social behavior and know how is. The cycle basically starts with some opportunism on both sides which is first normal and health as you find elsewhere or when people mutually like each other as strangers. But what changes is when one party has unhealthy goals, desires and inhibitions about the other and does not want to treat the person in any opportunism to have a healthy relationship but just achieve a goal and idea from them. When that party learns of the intentions of the other as not being socially healthy at all they either give into their demands or refuse these demands. Ardently; if the person refuses their demands eventually this person becomes hostile and attacks them in some social, physical, verbal or else way. Even if the person gives into their demands they will still be treated badly and even worse than if they did not stand up for theirselves. Am I saying that colleges promote abusive and unhealthy relationships regardless if its a male and female pairing or an one gender pairing? They do and really much do so by promoting unhealthy ideas, social misinformation and a culture that is unrelenting to dreamers and doers but privately rewards those who are sycophants and just brainwashed clogs.

I am to say greatly that I have seen so many women just take an interest in you and you would be the only one holding on for what normal people expect; a healthy relationship whilst these people live in a heroism complex and think they can do no wrong. The great fears that arise when you give people who are lacking in a great character of self control and morals so much social power. Make them think they can do whatever they want to anyone at all and it'd be good when its bad and only in this illusion of freedom when they have already chosen to be bound by cultures of grave hostility and indifference. Have this illusion of a one track way to marriage and that if you exist to even be a love interest in their eyes; you have already filled this path and enrage their sensibilities of just wanting some feigned racial and cultural purity their friends and family abide by. But no one asked them to even like you. Its the level of thought these people have that says alot about them; they don't give a fuck about anyone else. They never doubt that people like them or not but excuse theirselves to vindicate people as criminals just because they like you and have no courage to actually know you or live their lives. No mystery to anyone many of these people will never get married. They will never even match the social expectations that are so meager a standard lie those of hateful idiotic people and there be so many of these people in reality. They cannot even realize when they are out of line and are being disrespectful to real people who are just not props in their lives or future but actual people. There is to be a saying in life that relationships can only be formed from two consenting parties. A person who never consented to marrying you even though it plays out in your head is not guilty of false crimes you  paint this imaginary future version of them doing when in fact you don't know even know them well or at all to even know who they are and will become. Even people who somewhat know them will never know what they will become in the future. 

Its to be said that greatly the bullshit I have to go through is to realize that time and time again these women who form some interest in me and I in them really much are capable of esclating their feelings to the point they invision marrying you but then somewhat remove theirselves from the situation as if that whole path would ruin their lives. I never give any of these thoughts any mind really much because I really don't know these people and likely don't want to know if you just don't give people a chance and just make up nonsense to distance yourself from them when you felt a feeling. But recently I am to realize this shit is not okay. Its not real love but just self vanity at the express dire pain of me. I can tell you that certainly there have been people who will envision anything to just be disrespectful to you as a human, remove any of the vital steps to even become a married couple( that is actually know the other person or even really be open to knowing the person to a genuine level that is not to some sexual benefit) and anything of consent. We all know college is the pinnacle of life for some people but all this bullshit is just because some people feel way too empowered to be there especially at fucking community colleges.

You ever realize how creepy it is for some woman to write to you on the internet that they do not want to see you in public but then take sexual shots at you? Noting how their "friends" say that the mixing of skin colors of light and dark is a turn on when you are considered dark and they would be the light. Later on as you stick around to get them to change their mind try to say that you would be a good father to someone or some shit but you never asked. Why would anything be so specific? If not to reach the means of people's inner goals and inhibitions. Maybe a person-not maybe but surely is projecting upon you the fact they will not marry someone who is dark by listing all the things they actually would do with you if they had any fucking courage to do it. Its to be said I never had any plans of "being husband" to someone who refused to meet but people can be crazy and think that's what I want when its never what I want because they never asked. Thinking so highly of theirselves that they know me when they don't. Its just disrespectful and nothing ever came of such conversation that a person typed and typed.

Its to be said that these people once they have their mind set cannot be shaken off or even made to realize your humanity and really much just revel on how much they can disfranchise a person of their humanity just because they are hateful of them and are too cowardly to even speak to them like people. My greatness; there is one thing to be said these people love to see you in pain and they love it so good and so great-its their fuel. That is actual sick to realize about someone whom you gave a chance and liked but its the truth. Time and time again will veer into a connection they had with you no matter how little and assume to do the worst, speak the worst, know the worst and be the worst. Never will accept you as you but will come back to bug and harass you time and time again just to get off on the possible pain they know they cause you. This being said that greatly whilst a person would leave these passing connections up and running; from what were once honky dory times now become sad and bad times-you ultimately must break off any connection to them and realize it was never a great thing to meet them.

Whilst a person wished they had the magical powers to save people from endoctrination; they cannot as these people are weak willed, choose to be evil and ultimately would pawn you for a $1,000 dollars. I wish I could have helped a person who did not want to become a photographer but really much if you have to go so much out of your way to help someone just so things can work out as the college endears things should; these normal relations it greatly undercuts with its unhealthy cultures, great toxicity towards art and people having lives outside of school into any future they pick, pressures to have sex and grave endoctrination regimes which encourage people to be their worst and be elitist-I think its all pointless. When you  are doing too much for a person who will never do for theirselves nor for you. I mean to add that you were finding your way and then you have to help someone so stubborn and so full of theirselves on their stubborness to find their way; that relationship is not healthy already when you likely will not get anything in return. Having to overcompensate to try to get some normalcy by doing something not normal is the definition of crazy. I mean greatly to the person I helped in spring 2019 a bit and then a bit after; there was nothing to come of it at all but just more elitism on their part. If not this person went out of their way to insult my own work at the start and only because a person was fearing of the loss of their creative talents did they help but never to gain any favors with them. Yet they like the previous girl in fall 2013 could not take that someone was better than them at art and sought to belittle them.  Both people could not get over the fact that people were better than them at art and then get offended to never realize the person was just a person and there were other things to connect on. But no; everything has to be about them and this really unbecoming self percept that does nothing but hinder them. Though I am to say that really the 2019 girl who was the same age as the girl in fall 2013 was way better prepared to be an artist than the other and only needed a little push. Its to be said that people have limits and really much that you cannot change people who are set to fail in their minds. They don't want to give anything of the world a chance by vye on their own closeminded trends and really much think they are god over all other people. These people eventually become too toxic to even deal with and they show their true colors.

For all people's clamoring about love at first sight and all this other shit greatly people aren't ready for it not when they are racist, lazy, self hating, depreciating of others and theirselves and really make no effort to improve their lives. I mean; had even anyone given any consideration to me and my feelings and even my perspective on things. No, they did not and its not worth mentioning  my real feelings and even perspective even in the same sentence as their bravado to believe everything centers around them just to illustrate how much these people don't give a fuck.  Later in 2021, I did something amazing and in the first time in 8 years was free of this connection to this person. It was as if a person could be theirselves true and true without any infliction from this person. It was like to feel the energy of this person whom you felt with you just die. I felt this feeling before when I ended it with the girl who I spoke to online. The energy just died; no more potential and no more attacks everything just up and died. I should not say no more attacks but you know the comment about light and dark skin colors can drive a person wrong in the wrong way. Greatly the worst thing after seeing so much potential of what could have been a friendship or romantic thing and the person in their own zealous way realize it; fucking sucks when you realize things went so wrong and the other person was just an idiot incapable of doing the right thing. To feel the energy gone is a blessing but is also very sad realizing that it had to end because for all things to be noted the college was toxic and the people were not to do good at all. The romance people want to see enough they often kill for their own social greediness and not wanting things to prosper at all. When you are forced to defend yourself against people who have quiet done enough and not anything good; you can feel their energy die and just lavish the thought at the start how honky dory it was to the nightmare it all but became. Deeply and truly the worst problem I face is just knowing that much enough all these social advents most enough end with you having to force your way out and find a manner of freedom not to be associated with the once star crossed "lover". I say lover in quotations is because they really weren't. It was all a general idea of what they could become but they surely took advantage of.