hard realization.

 Just in the last month have been hit with some real hard realizations.

      People could have never been interested in you if they just blatantly let the responsibility of initiating the relationship fall onto your shoulders. Such don't prove you wrong when you think that they really aren't interested in you and just are carried around by some idea they truly don't believe in. I mean, let's say they have to go 8 years without seeing you; when you see them yet again after all that time would they still be interested especially when the distance was just for their safety( when pegged by insane and wondrously malice persons in a dorm?). The answer is no. Their dumbass would rather listen to thing one and backstabber 399. Backstabber 399 being so fucking stupid that he never realizes he is just a bitch for betraying whatever little friendship there even was by spreading lies. Then when people act as appropriate to unfollow his bitch ass; he and his friends( not my friends) -dare call you a woman for it. Ultimately just would rather be a little punk than a man. Yet someone has to be very stupid to listen to a dude so full of himself that he thinks he's actually cool and not a mother fucking fool.  As for thing one, you have to be stupid to listen to a person so giddy and pointing at you, " guess who that is?" Later getting knocked up and probably never measuring up to their full potential in educational pursuits despite their level of educational learning-they never are going to get to the level of intelligence even necessary to function as proper human being. There obviously were no feelings because at least a person would respond. I mean, another individual did as much to do that because they had some feelings. Just to be indifferent is the privilege of a person who just makes up anything when its convenient and just bounces when it gets too tough.  I would say that a person should not put their hopes on people who claim they are different than what people commonly are in the world/region and its influences.

    You could be running in the park one day or some days and always see a woman running around your age. In the time of the pandemic wonder if you should even approach as she notices you but then decide against speaking at all. Such is the ptsd of just talking to a person who you think will just bring you false hopes and then break you down like everyone much before. Decide that a pandemic makes it too hard to even consider how you would speak to them and even if they would be comfortable speaking to you and not run away. Otherwise decide that the harm they can potentially do to your emotional state and state of well being is too much. How many ideas have been threatened because of bad actors you let in? Too many and frankly; no more chances for anyone because that is just how much in pain you will be.

     There is no such thing as teamwork with a person who liked some years ago(from fall 2013). They have just turned into a monster of sorts. A person who is intolerable to the notion of morals and does anything they want to get what they want. Has no moral conscious that they are hurting others and that they even are hurting you greatly. Alas, such a person was a nightmare individual from the start of when they choose to appear carrying on about grey morals as a good. But yet these morals upon further communication where just black and purely dark fucking black. It is to say that some people who you fail; you never actually failed them at all when they turn out to be very violent, aggressive and hateful for their own freaking merits and very researched ideas. Ideas as if they have been severely and willingly indoctrinated by hateful ideology. You just cannot be their friend, their partner in this or that. Just getting near them, they rear their heads like a snake to strike you with very foul venom and take many people along with them. Truly some experience has greatly shaken me. Just marvel at how we spoke at first contrasts greatly to what would be the later and would be the ultimate last.

     More on the first individual; truly would be trapped in trying to venture this ending dream with them but there is none. They at the start and at the end had no intention whatsoever. Others have higher intentions and at least they would respond as they were not so solid and absolute behind their abuse. Stringing people up to believe just so they in privilege could achieve something of a favor that they want to take and only take and never give. Another was more generous to be more sincere, had a self conflict brewing inside and truly did not act so forth and commonly as if they never cared at the start. They could not hide it well but to them; this coldness and bitterness was a second nature and a self preservation of their pretentious, ungrateful and callous nature. Never considering what others were going through but only to what extent they could take. You also then had their friend just adding into this narrative that you were someone a chosen one and where to be special but really just were a spectacle to them. They did not care at all just as their friend did not.

      Alas, the least of my concerns would be the people I have been friending in the past two or three years. I don't think its apt to be friending people who don't have my same goals or even same work ethic or even any optimism about their lives. I have to say that really much from experience of three years; these people just take away from what you can do. This is not of course in reference to any new friends but surely people who have no ambitions literally but just seek to evade rationality, courage and any form of self respect. Truly, its is not being nice when these people literally aren't really your friends but people who you have no bad will with but really never promote you but you are always promoting them. How hard is it to give people likes and engagement? How hard is to not act like a dick? I think that some people rather be dicks than be real friends. Looking back to that friend of two years who basically told me that they would never want to meet up with me in person. I should have took that as a threat; as they only feared me. People only talking to you because they want to blame you of something when you gratuitously help them along or try to encourage them. Oft, you really cannot be friends with a music major that wants to give up on music and just not do anything but mediocre and a trash person to boot. 

    I really don't want to be the guy who has to break the good will but really enough; I don't belong with people who don't take theirselves seriously and neither should anyone else. Burdens to fucking society are what these people are. You don't seriously reach your goals but obscuring the boundaries between being at a disadvantage versus just being a lazy asshat dick who does nothing to help theirselves but complain, albeit and just groan. There is always a means to get to an endgoal and when certain people just don't have that type of mentality at a certain age its indicative of their inner will and constitution of a person. Truly, why surround yourself with people-namely artists who don't understand the importance of politics, being informed, knowing how to research things, having an interest in knowledge and just ultimately choose to listen to myth, false ideas and just misinformation. I don't know who needs to hear this but NFTS are not bad. If people want to share unique artwork that otherwise is not over processed contrite, unintelligible and too desperate for views shit; they should be able to do it! Having some worry that its going to affect your lazy fanart and bad arcing methods of self actualization your visual stories is kinda of curious when your echo chamber renders all other art on social media "incompetent" just because its not drawing the current games or some other bullshit of fan art/ anime importance.  A person can literally live without that reject shit and it would be only turning the other cheek if NFTS made art difficult for people unwilling to learn, so gullible to internet gossip and "art community" group think. Truly people are only scared of NFTS because they realize they would not enjoy being the silent majority and never getting anything in return for their artwork. Some people live this reality and they can nothing about it because of discrimination.

     Usually enough why should people be so valiant to the cause of a system that treats them like crap and none of their so called friends or allies never even interact with them, like anything they post or even try to foster good will between them? But yet a person will always reblog someone's work, like it and this and that. Its just too much enough times to be the only person who is being a friend! 

   Just all this wells up in you over time and you cannot sleep all that well. If people dying in Texas due to the incompetence of republicans and their deregulation( 128 or 130 people died of the cold storm in February across Texas because of the cold) did not make it hard to sleep; and/or make it hard to enjoy nature because of the plants dying or being near killed- these things above just make for a very hard time. You find yourself just struggling to breathe through it all. These hard hits that really cannot be taken all that well but to wallow in pain. At the end of the day a person is made to realize that they must not let these things tower over them or continually influence them and in sort of writing they have been let go and yes-blatantly so no one of the other parties involve will give a damn of the harm they cause or even change( yet I am not speaking about a woman in the park who did not do anything to me). A person must rise against these things and truly take back power into their hands. A person should be respected that is all. I am just not getting much respect from people I knew in the past. The pasture is green on the other side. Maybe a runner is not a bad person and I have better friends of new who actually respond to me than placate theirsleves by ignoring me.