The dream is dead; m girl.

 I realized so much after the fact of being at the first college there was only one person who I was actually in love with. Only one person who I was in love with. No, you find out some truths in this year and prior that makes you realize the other people were just fake and never would have been right and as well; this person was just the same. The difference is that this person actually had the pretense image of someone friendly. They would always say hello to you no matter where they were at much of the time except one time they with their friend looked at you oddly as if a hostile. The most unattractive feature however of them was that they sounded like a literal dude. Like it was a mystery when the women side would come in. This is not to be sexist but yea; maybe because of their egyptian accent they sounded like a dude. A person would ignore this. They would always be friendly as if trying to show they were interested. But obviously you misread things after tons and tons of these messages; you were the crazy one ever trying to reach out to them later after you left the college they were at.  I think to be short and sweet a person only liked them because they were nice to me; you kinda of fall for people who actually go out of their way to be nice but yet-they would later explain to me when I reached out that, " it was all in my head". Pretty much they had gotten in their heads that I was trash through and through just because I was not this consumable image they were brainwashed to receive by an university. Already probably being egyptian already did not have the best views on black people and just thought lowly and too berating of a person just because they left an abusive place which never has treated black people well. 

Like look up the university in houston and how it fairs in treating black people. There is lynching, there are crimes and then there is gentrification on god; you think that place with its history is diverse and progressive? You really cannot be progressive when you hide your racist history behind an excuse of diversity when your headmaster has to over compensate for being indian and does the most unhelpful imaginable and tries to appeal to white people the most with the largest football stadium to be built and all these dumb athletic deals and shit that don't help anyone. I mean this school literally does it best to make black people only good at one thing being so called "smart" at engineering or some shit or athletic and well if you are artistic they got to lynch you just like that one woman so long ago. Alas; this girl believed the myth that was sold to her but she was not so convinced on it. In fact this person had to go and message me just to prove her allegiance to nonsense and racist ideas. Like seriously this person was not an independent mind but a literal drone. The only reason she liked you or said hello is because she thought you were a "safe" black person but really if there can be such a thing there means that there are unsafe black people. The whole idea is racist as it puts negative connotations on people for not being brainwashed to follow racist stereotypes instead of being theirselves.  Just really much the person was not a person who could even respond to reality but an illusion and all the time she was saying hello to me and whatever striking up conversations and waving to me over a time period of fall 2013 to spring 2014; she really did not give a fuck about me but indulging in this false tolerance that really is a deep seated hatred against black people even being people. As if even the school was to even be at this level of superiority; it wasn't. It was the shit tier of schools you could go to. It was not a Harvard, Stanford or whatever fucking shit is in Newyork and/or Yale in the Boston area. Even so being at a top tier whatever university is no reason to be a racist piece of fucking shit. Fuck, you are disgusting if being racist and pretending you are OG academic at OG pretentious school is the top tier icing on the cake. The level of fire this woman lit under my fucking ass is just tier one horrendous. That's a joke folks in all the irony.

Alas I am to say the person I spoke to was just a far cry from nice but an entitled racist asshat who wanted to indulge in an uber fantasy of racist idealisms and not even realize how readidly everything was convenient for them to chicken out of all their social actions. If you did not want to be associated with a person; why even speak to them? Oh yea, because you were brainwashed to think that they were fucking apart of this safe "black person" shit under the school's utterly racist diversity campaign. I dunno who needs to hear this you can have all different people of the world in one place but it ain't diverse when they all think like racist white men who watch fucking Fox news. All people have much the intention of just being workhard do no goods for corporations who don't give a fuck about anyone or the damn environment.

I would say that again a person only liked this person because they were truly nice to your eyes then never realizing that it was all fake so they could just blend into the roles of the school's culture which was try hard tolerance for black people. I mean try hard tolerance in that; these people think black people are a sin to exist and really only tolerate even being fake towards them to appear virtuous and good when you should not have to "tolerate" people. It just means you have a deep seated hatred of them you have to hold your nose around them and some shit when you should just respect people whatever their skin color is.

I mean I look back at fall 2016 around this time and realize I was being a complete idiot in love for some person who was just a fake person. Just being a ditz in love I was being. Yet it embarasses me to realize the amount of feeling I felt for this person to never realize they were not even on the same mental level as me or much people who you even grow up with. Not even close. They are like those foreign people who come from these places where people of color just worship whiteness and hate black people; who literally just grift to fit in so everyone does not look at them weird for hating black people. I mean; come on-America is not the holy land for white people even fucking foreigners seem to think black people are 2nd class citizens.  I mean if you should know some  Egyptians aren't the nicest people to black people by their culture's racist culture and really much there are better Egyptians out there who treat people as fucking people regardless of their race than little miss try hard. I mean; you have to realize I was trying to get with someone who was fucking idiot, a racist and if they were white they would be some uppity privileged person. I mean embarrassing but truly I wrote with conviction some hope to see them again. These romantic notes just fell upon deaf ears as what mattered this person was not that feelings were being returned; it was the simple grossed out feeling that a black person dare be a person and impress on their white supremacist mindset. I am to say folks; that you could be a fucking black muslim and hate black people-oh wait I experienced that in fall 2018 and spring 2019 but yea I think that generally some people should realize that some people are incapable of actually being apart of a society with many people when their origin country never will confront its racial problems and how it treats black people and darker skinned egyptians. Some people are just those who deepen racial divides and choose to identify with ideas and mentalities that distance people of color from rights and being treated civilly. 

This woman essentially greatly led me on and made me think for the longest time I was wanted with all their talks and all their greetings. They were just playing with me I am to realize. American women never speak to you so fucking much if they aren't interested in you but I think this person just thought they could " poke" a black person and they would act in the sexually aggressive nature their culture misinforms them how black people behave. I mean; did anyone else who was minorly interested in me or interested in me later message me out of the blue after choosing to follow me on twitter?  No one else did and no one else bothered to speak with me. But for some reason this person did. As if to disavow me as if I was gross or wrong just for existing. I think that pretty much this person just wanted to dip their hand in a jar and really did not want to consider the implications of their actions to what type of mental game they were playing with theirselves.  Truly this person did not respect me as a human by their message which reads like a racist banter when you understand the true context of their actions.," you purposefully led a person on just to pretend as if you were a good citizen of society and just to get into their pants in the situation of college" . Yea, they want to pretend as if the good guy as if offing me like this; will get them brownie points with the "white people" they assume are in charge. Someone make a HBO Max show or something about this. This person came to me and said, "I reject you devil because I believe in the white man". Like utterly I don't think you are going to gain any freaking support from something that was obviously your own interpersonal effort that you literally try to win brownie points for shoving this person's returned affections away. If anyone was to actually look into this matter racist or not; they would likely just call them a jerk and probably call them a racist name to boot if racist like come man-you think you are going to be well liked amongst white nazis being Egyptian? I mean you literally led a person on and when they went out of their way to find you for the positive impact you seemed to have on them; you just do your best to disown them to gain face with white racists and just racists indeed. I mean people aren't idiots; the non racist would not like you for what you did and what you believe and the racist would despise what you did and then despise you. Or they would like what you did and still despise you. I think no one stood to gain anything unless a whole college did not get off on this sort of thing; the same fucking college you both went to and you just try to keep face with those in power and realize that their whole shtick with diversity is false true and true. Truly this person knew what they were doing and really much never really cared for me which made me realize how odd it was for a woman to take interest in me to such a fucking degree. I mean every much time a talk or a hello or a wave just anything to get my attention and this is how the person wanted to be? Fine; I decided after a really berating message as the imbecile tried to mark down my worth as a person-I was in love with someone who did not exist. It was all an illusion and really much the person was just playing with me in a very cruel way.

I mean; can we get to the matter that really much that this person did not care I had a life before college and would have one after? I think the person was a nutcase in the regard they never questioned that what they were doing was out of line when they truly did not believe in what they were signaling in a wholeful respecting way and not just "need to try sex with this person" way. They never questioned that their intents where rude to treat a person like a second citizen and respect others like first class citizens like their friend they suddenly that one time would look at me weird ( did I mention that dude was weird as he went out of his way to say, " this guy reminds me of me" in reference towards me). The whole thing I am to say is that it is fucking weird that one would share an interested glance when you were basically alone and then a disinterested or aloof one when with this guy? As if this person was just trying to win a social benefit to be included with one group by discriminating against another. Like I am the crazy one? When no one else is around you want to be friendly as if to gain a favor but when someone else is there you suddenly got to act different. Such a self serving person would never care about other people even their friend. Everything is for them and really fuck anyone for being a person before and not experiencing immigrant opportunism to constantly seek out promised ideas that were valued in your home country. Seeking out black people as if they are just second class people to have sex with and then treat poorly. It is to be said this person just took whatever she wanted and believed whatever she wanted and never lived in reality. Never realizing that before them, a person never got much nice interactions from people their age. I would not go into that whole story because its rife with a person being hated for their race and particularly their culture. Can you imagine the pain a person went through and later was to never get any form of relief but just worse things and great gaslighting. Forced to realize that their suspicions were true and there is no such thing as a person being so friendly for no reason not after 17 previous years and then years in limbo thinking on their false actions as if reality. No; this person had no oversight but just thristy for opportunistic benefits they could derive from being in America.

I am to tell you this whole person has just made me weary of immigrants who just carry racist views and just things that don't make them a good fit to live in America just to join the onslaught of haters against black people. Whatever this shit was; I did not deserve it and I did nothing wrong but say hello and try to speak and be friendly but aka I guess I did not play the "safe black person" role enough. To be giddy, friendly and so caring about shit I don't believe in. I am to say that how did this person think anything was going to go even if I was so agreeable to do whatever they wanted. Screw the fact I was a person before; you think they would just find easy sex and nothing of conflict would ever arise. No one has any dreams, no goals, no history in a country they were born in and no claim to any hope of being treated well. Them likely being muslim and a person not being religious would surely mix. I am to say that this person just had toxic ideas based on their own self concept of being an immigrant with access to opportunities to live out their whole fucking racist and cultural ideas of success that they had in mind. They were just further fueled by the toxic culture of the school especially with its whole idealism to make black people second class citizens and reinforce hate by never once endearing to reveal the barrel of hatred many people stack against black people just so they can indulge fantasy ideas that if they appease racist white ideas they will reach a higher class of people. I mean that ideal never works and people just end up racist against people who are in the same circumstance as them. To be said this person was just trash true and true, everything was about theirselves. It would be said their self concept was based off more imaginary things and inflated ideas about reality that don't sum up into anything good by hatred, greed and closed mindedness. Like my whole self concept was to treat everyone right and to reach for my dreams in creating many comics and surely build some team to pursue these goals. I was just weighed down by a person who did not even belong in my story and in my strong opinion does not belong in the United States. Like really; how many self serving pricks who are racist can you allow into a country to do basically nothing good for anyone not even people of color. 

What's so funny is that this person worked at a refugee organization and really much just for some reason can be ignorant of what they were doing that was so wrong, racist and problematic. I don't think that holding overtly racist beliefs towards black people would help those in or outside the organization. Her whole self concept screams; I am more important than anyone else and I can treat anyone like trash and it just not matter to anything. I am to say that truly this person did nothing good for anyone by being a racist and being in that organization. Its something so contradictory its like the message the school tired to be behind at the start of fall 2013 to spring 2014 at least; that they were so diverse and so progressive but really weren't. You folks truly believe I experienced more racism at a highschool full of black and hispanic people than a school full of a bunch of people raised to essentially hate, generalize, discriminate or overtly sexualize black people? Especially raised to do these things because they had such a selfish gambit to success given many of these people were immigrants to bat just seeking idealized versions of education goals backed by intolerable cultural norms hating people who were black or dark? I am to say this woman was the worst person I ever came across for how much I had to burry of my own feelings after realizing what was seemingly a good thing or a missed opportunity because of my "depressed vibes" was actually something that was a great farce and a great discrimination which I was to realize that depressed vibes don't come from anywhere. It is like that you could have been faced with great discrimination before only to receive the goliath of it from this person and just have hatred heralded onto from this one seeming betrayal.

I have seen so many other women but truly there was no one who I loved more than this person to the facade they gave me to make me hope, dream and search inside myself for courage just to find that in the end I was missing nothing but a person just making an effort to be a racist degrading ass against you. But yet being so gaslit hurt and I am to remember this because it was so bad; it took time to get over after I dedicated such interest in this person probably only because they were seeming nice. Its just to be said folks that things aren't black and white but a very complex issue. I am to say that I would never be a person to push people under the bus for racist ideals or things that belittle others but many people would jump at that chance.