The destructive objective abomination

 I am going to tell you that when I was starting Mindgames I realize the worst thing is that I was blaming myself for stuff I could never had control of. The first day of history lab I was trying to speak to this girl called Ash but she let me down as in did not speak to me until later in class but the damage done. Most of the time it was me saying anything and she only felt to say anything out of a combination of catching feelings, being manipulated and feeling guilt. She never made an initiative and when I left that college never dated to contact despite being so willing. I am saying  this person was problematic and became problematic and by the time I was writing for Mindgames and creating the comic I was already feeling as if it was me who did wrong when I did not.

 I was the only one the whole time making the honest reality effort to socialize that to be trapped in one's head with fantasy. Fantasy that went dark. Unwilling to quit for years being a nuisance even when they got what they truly deeply wanted to see a black people  in a terrible state.  They are a self hater and pretty much no different from the ghetto scum despite being the proper kind of self hater. I gotta say that a dude tired of being grouped in with people who don't represent them. As a person who is black the true racists and self haters will always try to group you with trash never knowing the real identity. To strip you of your humanity with an identity of blackness that is but a racist stereotype. I will never be that and some people got convinced too much that a dude was either ghetto or proper self hater but I am not either trash. It's to say that if you expected a person to be like that then you never stood the chance. 

There are people who aren't black who think that it was appropriate to do this. It shows your lack of commitment to even know a person and just shortcut things just so you can have a diverse lover but nah- I am not these things. You were just one in with the tide of indoctrination. Never give a damn about me nor black people who actually like being black. Lol. Some people just wanted sex and it showed. Like literally I go the entire fall 2013 semester hanging out to study with this group of namely girls and like literally would watch a movie every fucking night with these people and others but mostly them. Spring 2014 rolls around and no one longer does anyone want to hang. I am to say the last time I saw much of them was the last day at the dorms before the summer where everyone was moving out. No one contacted me later ever not even in ten years and for like four to five months spending at least 6 hours with them. It's like only for the sex you mattered but never for your value as a person. There are things you will never know about me just by my black appearance and ultimately don't want people who act as if they can define me by my race and just be so horribly racist.

Do you think I don't the chance to be known or appreciated and not a side character with ambiguous race? The girl Mariam was the only person who ever even spoke back to a dude. Lol. Fucking shit and basically was like ," my interactions with you all in your head". It's almost as people want to forget you existed because you weren't not a consumable good. Lol.  That you did not do what they wanted out of you. Lol. The sad thing as an adult is that you realize after being surrounded by trash for years you just want the decency of the human experience. And think you can get it as if the university is a normal place of condition when it's not and is ultimately more vulgar and way abnormal than whatever craphole that came before. I am to say to you that people like to change the story when it no longer fits them but that is not me. I will tell you the truth. The mistake that failed Mindgames was not being true to what truly happened. So to rectify that; let me go back to tell you the winter and spring 2014.