Despair

 Imagine wasting energy and wasting time trying to get this girl right. Get this Allison right to where she can be safe and sound and you be dealt with nothing for neglilence and irresponsibility. After some ugly fucking dude just turned all the people whom you had a crush on for all much of 13 years against you give and take-some dumb bitch at the top is just posing to do the same. What are you to do? Is there anyway to win? But some sweetspots away from the despair or are you saved from a nasty bitch who would just believe anything in the first place and turn on you regardless. I thought of this many times at the little pond at the university and really much it was not much of a thought but just despair and light away from such despair. Hope that who Allison is good and that my plan would pay out but no; the ardent person just loves being in the environment of which is grooming and ultimately just took advantage of everything I did not to make them a product of such an environment.

Whilst I did all I could to not just date them for me and my own problems of the past. I was extra concerned for them and lived in the then. I was not using them but they were using me. I wanted it to be perfect but they did not really care to how it should even be or if it could be. Seemingly to trying to cast blame that I never asked them whilst in hindsight they took apart in a toxic class environment in the english class which just dehumanized me. Turning around with their sister or whomever and announcing they liked me but not to me. I thought this meant they knew I liked them and I should hurry up to ask them but no, it was more like, " what is wrong with him and everythings about me". You can see this entitlement grew to hate for no reason but that they are a fucked up person. I was a stranger and still trying to do everything for them!

Do you want to date a person and someone whisper in their ear, " don't date them". There were too many of these people motivated by a fucked up culture in this school. I would say the dude called Rat was just one of these main people. A man without honour. This dude was no one's friend but an animal scurrying through the goods and lisetning into whatever relationship he thought he could scrap together by betraying people. There even once was near a fight because of his bullshit. The dude was what was wrong with this place and really did education matter? No, I have to say that not everything of my focus was on romantic stuff.

Like you think I spent all day stalking a woman to ensure that "enemies" don't turn them against me? Lol, no, no one has time for that and really much do these women belong to you? Should they not already know right from wrong? Its to be said that a person spent time studying and openly it was not the focus of me to stay loyal to one person especially not after highschool. To make things more interesting I was trying to make my comic book company come true. Now that be admirable amongst all the school and just idiots who think they are better because drawing is for kids. Its funny. I really did not care what others were doing and ultimately for the record; a person was not going to risk having kids in college. Like use your brain. But then that is just what some people think. 

I tried hard so that Allison would not end up fucked up but realize this; the girl had her own brain, she drunk the koolaid and everyday showed her brainwashed red pride. Thinking this did not mean anything but it meant everything. Whilst I strived to be of freemind this person edged toward no free will and consent being taken away. Should people have the right to just come up and hold your hand and think they have won your heart when that is not how things are done? They don't have that right but this is the disturbing shit Allison would want to believe. Blaming me for not being this guy who just drunk the koolaid and did not think about things. I never once tried to make Allison an object ever! But when she said what she said, she just thought she was entitled to me without the work. Of course, I could have ran and told this person who was talking about me in front of my face off but I am not that person and openly I think that at the end of the day; you realize that a person still thought of them good but this person was never there to being with. Not an ally. But someone giving no fucks to you.

Its funny that a person feel in love with an idea and not a person. I would be so motivated to get back to them later. I wrote about them so many times over the years on this site and wrote much about them. How do they repair me?  Just being an entitled bitch who just was angry I left and ever expressed a thought to not be their product and just listen to shit from evil people like Rat. You have to be gay, you realize to stalk a dude on the net and report his stuff but whatever bro, fuck you. 

You have to realize there is a great feeling of despair when those whom you wish to go back to especially Allison are just but spoiled idiots who think toy ought  to have no free will and just conform to what is grooming essentially and have no consideration for you or your space. That they were the ones attacking you and this woman-old fucking woman was laughing at you and others like you thinking just because they turned these people; love and free will mean nothing. The horror of working against those who attack you thinking they are holding those you like hostage but no; they are the attackers and this can drive a person into despair. They were playing you and nothing they give more than to disrespect your life. These entitled nasty idiots are truly freaks of nature. They were never normal. They were fucked up before they came and they even left more fucked up.

They can pretend of society but when alone they go do their work. Allison never cared about me but just the idea of me giving her substance in this place. I am saying that they are as empty as a doll. They choose to be vicious and a cold blooded killer. There is nothing you can get right about that.