new era: the maze of dreams.part1
Some years ago, I tasked myself envisioning what life would be like. I must note that I was under the influence of "love" and " romance". I said in 2011, that I and some certain individual would be closer and the future would be bright for both of us. I would be an architect and such and such, she would be my wife and such and such. However, this reality was quick to shut down. First, I took a summer program after a certain event and found that architecture is something I am not interested in that much.
Second, in the event, I was so convinced that this imagined reality was actual real reality. In that trashy, utterly trashy highschool I went to, this certain woman sat on the ground with her friends so mighty and proud and utterly irrelevant. Slowly it seemed ever since that day, I felt a tinge in my heart when I saw the person, she seemed to be getting closer to me. In those days, I sat alone and an accompanying group of people to this girl would sit next to me and I sat next to this girl, about twice. But I did not force anything, or say anything because it did not seem like the chance for this fantasy to begin. I built up courage and even further excelled in my assignments, even creating a project the eve of the night in which it was due. It was a grim time and I had two incompetent partners for that project. But believing in this reality, I was able to get it done to the point where I completed it in class the next day, while basically they sat and watched and fooled around.
In the past, I was still in the writing stage of operations and did not have access to a computer all that often as I do now. I was motivated to write faster and better for this dream of the future.
I admit, it was surely fun and exhilarating and made life worth living. At that time.
However, I knew that it would never happen if I did not go for it. And life was precious, when given an opportunity to do something, you should not back down I believed.
So really, I had no idea what was to come next. But before I explain how the cheery person I was died in these moments, I'll explain this one friend who sat with me on the floor before this "dream girl" and " dream friends" from their " dream show of 2011" sat near us. This friend I felt I knew a long time despite not really knowing her. I do admit, I had much feelings for her and I wished this friendship would turn into a relationship. I liked her for her honest and real sense of talk that made me happy. But the only thing I could find about the girl my heart bounced for, was that she represented this vision of the future and somewhat greater than this girl. We talked for weeks and then I began to gain the courage to see if she had any feelings for me at all.
One day I said, "Hey, did you miss me?" Because I had gone to sit back at the tables where the two couples made me a fifth wheel.
She said in a bit of manner that was not exactly friendly, "no, not at all". But then again, as I look on this from the future it does seem in that statement she seemed to harbor some feelings for me. I realized that much in the past however, but if she wanted to really express her feelings to say she liked me, she would have done it. So, I forgot about her for a while, of course-! The other girl was far superior even if I knew not a damned thing about her at all. I figured it would all work out, this friend would be my back up if this whole thing fell.
The day I was to ask her( the dream girl) to be my special someone, I died. Of course because of this one girl indeed.And because she was necessary for the future I decided on.
That day, in the seating arrangement, my friend for some reason could not decide whether to sit next to me or not. This gave me strange precognitions, but I had planned for weeks for this and she was simply just some informant that had dissed my intention to get closer to her. But, I learned from her that she was simply a former friend of this girl and she really did not like her at all. She told me that she had recently broke up with her boyfriend for some nonsense or another. Still I would face this all. Head on, as my life had been wasted never attempting to start any romantic relationships and I did not want to become an adult that did not know how to conduct himself in romantic affairs.
In truth, there was a person 12 years ago or rather at that era, 7 years that I wanted to ask a question.
But this question, these feelings would forever be not addressed. They were to be forgotten as there was already to many pains in the past, this future of good times would save me.Forget the ills of the past, this was a new beginning indeed. And so, I ate all the lunch I prepared late that night and when given an opening, I said, " Will you become my friend?"
The pain of what was to come was very harsh. Any sensible person if asked that question would calmly consider an answer in a well mannered way.
Now, the world of this fantasy was beautiful. Futuristic buildings, a loving home for everyone, people who got along for the most part with the usual crimes and lessened tortures. I would have kin from the perspective mate and everything would be fine and fun. I could live like a regular human like anyone else for the small amount of time.
However, the harsh "NO!" thundered this utter dream world away. In one instant the pysch of me crashed and burned in an instant. The reason to be there, crumbled away. I could not even be a friend and most of all, this was the most unfriendly "NO". To make matters worse, the "friend" laughed at me. For quiet a while, while I sat in shock and absolute cold winter bliss.The brain I had was messed up. I could not think straight at all and there was an element of darkness proceeding all my thoughts, I quickly realized as my friend apologized, " I am so sorry Takei!"
"I can't believe you would say something like that!"
I said to myself, why can't you believe....
WHY IN THE FUCK, CAN'T YOU BELIEVE?
I stayed calm and did not say anything.
It was over moreso did I even know.
It dawned on me that she was trying to shield me from the characteristics of this " dream girl". Rather that this was just an elaborate trap that would send me running to my defeat, demise and death. Three d's of down, it was. How odd was it for me to associate feelings of love and characteristics to some stranger I did not know. Rather the characteristics of a friend onto this total stranger.
In looked back on the previous weeks, were I made sure I did well on assignments and goals I usually would never have without this "fantasy" drug.
This vision was now corrupting and made me sick.
A family with who? Why?
Why even damn architecture when I did not even know what it was all about?!
Why did I have to exist in a world where people responded simply so nasty to a well mannered friend request. As soon as the bell rung for class, that rung that I had been executed. I hurried to class and I was mortified and of course, my friend was still there in that same class. Seeming depressed. It all seemed so familiar. Like, I had lived this all before...!
I said to myself, " it can't be over!"
I have not even got to begun.
The memories kept washing over me.....
I was damned to be a fool played or I could become a victor to conquer this pain and problem, this shatter reality, so I decided to do that, instead. After all, it was much more fun than that a reality of fucking an ape savage. Especially when every one was mostly in majority an enemy against me and my objectives.
In short, later, I realized that I was not even attracted to her at all, this dream girl, but the memory and idea she represented in outward appearance. In fact, later even though I continued to chase this girl the remainder of highschool and waste my youth, I could not compel myself to even like this person.
But I stayed sick for a long time...and with little hope, help or aspirations.
This event was perfect in ensuring that I realized that this world was not even worth its weight of majority morals. That I was surely alone in a land where people cry they are free, yet have to go to such abdominal lengths to get something, a "release" from something holding them down. That is the conscience of being entire slaves to a system of rich people. Who philter your brain with fantasies that work for you to kill could be allies and delude yourself that its not your fault for being uneducated about the world you truly live in.
But please pay attention to these logs, as they explain how I have even reached where I am today, of course I can not tell everything and many parts will be omitted.Furthermore if you really decipher the meaning, you can find a method to create your own artwork/comic. May or may not be turned into a comic. Methods may or not to be exposed.
However, even though the past was utter shite, I discovered a better future even the 2011 me could be more proud of. And this is the story I tell, of a better future.
Second, in the event, I was so convinced that this imagined reality was actual real reality. In that trashy, utterly trashy highschool I went to, this certain woman sat on the ground with her friends so mighty and proud and utterly irrelevant. Slowly it seemed ever since that day, I felt a tinge in my heart when I saw the person, she seemed to be getting closer to me. In those days, I sat alone and an accompanying group of people to this girl would sit next to me and I sat next to this girl, about twice. But I did not force anything, or say anything because it did not seem like the chance for this fantasy to begin. I built up courage and even further excelled in my assignments, even creating a project the eve of the night in which it was due. It was a grim time and I had two incompetent partners for that project. But believing in this reality, I was able to get it done to the point where I completed it in class the next day, while basically they sat and watched and fooled around.
In the past, I was still in the writing stage of operations and did not have access to a computer all that often as I do now. I was motivated to write faster and better for this dream of the future.
I admit, it was surely fun and exhilarating and made life worth living. At that time.
However, I knew that it would never happen if I did not go for it. And life was precious, when given an opportunity to do something, you should not back down I believed.
So really, I had no idea what was to come next. But before I explain how the cheery person I was died in these moments, I'll explain this one friend who sat with me on the floor before this "dream girl" and " dream friends" from their " dream show of 2011" sat near us. This friend I felt I knew a long time despite not really knowing her. I do admit, I had much feelings for her and I wished this friendship would turn into a relationship. I liked her for her honest and real sense of talk that made me happy. But the only thing I could find about the girl my heart bounced for, was that she represented this vision of the future and somewhat greater than this girl. We talked for weeks and then I began to gain the courage to see if she had any feelings for me at all.
One day I said, "Hey, did you miss me?" Because I had gone to sit back at the tables where the two couples made me a fifth wheel.
She said in a bit of manner that was not exactly friendly, "no, not at all". But then again, as I look on this from the future it does seem in that statement she seemed to harbor some feelings for me. I realized that much in the past however, but if she wanted to really express her feelings to say she liked me, she would have done it. So, I forgot about her for a while, of course-! The other girl was far superior even if I knew not a damned thing about her at all. I figured it would all work out, this friend would be my back up if this whole thing fell.
The day I was to ask her( the dream girl) to be my special someone, I died. Of course because of this one girl indeed.And because she was necessary for the future I decided on.
That day, in the seating arrangement, my friend for some reason could not decide whether to sit next to me or not. This gave me strange precognitions, but I had planned for weeks for this and she was simply just some informant that had dissed my intention to get closer to her. But, I learned from her that she was simply a former friend of this girl and she really did not like her at all. She told me that she had recently broke up with her boyfriend for some nonsense or another. Still I would face this all. Head on, as my life had been wasted never attempting to start any romantic relationships and I did not want to become an adult that did not know how to conduct himself in romantic affairs.
In truth, there was a person 12 years ago or rather at that era, 7 years that I wanted to ask a question.
But this question, these feelings would forever be not addressed. They were to be forgotten as there was already to many pains in the past, this future of good times would save me.Forget the ills of the past, this was a new beginning indeed. And so, I ate all the lunch I prepared late that night and when given an opening, I said, " Will you become my friend?"
The pain of what was to come was very harsh. Any sensible person if asked that question would calmly consider an answer in a well mannered way.
Now, the world of this fantasy was beautiful. Futuristic buildings, a loving home for everyone, people who got along for the most part with the usual crimes and lessened tortures. I would have kin from the perspective mate and everything would be fine and fun. I could live like a regular human like anyone else for the small amount of time.
However, the harsh "NO!" thundered this utter dream world away. In one instant the pysch of me crashed and burned in an instant. The reason to be there, crumbled away. I could not even be a friend and most of all, this was the most unfriendly "NO". To make matters worse, the "friend" laughed at me. For quiet a while, while I sat in shock and absolute cold winter bliss.The brain I had was messed up. I could not think straight at all and there was an element of darkness proceeding all my thoughts, I quickly realized as my friend apologized, " I am so sorry Takei!"
"I can't believe you would say something like that!"
I said to myself, why can't you believe....
WHY IN THE FUCK, CAN'T YOU BELIEVE?
I stayed calm and did not say anything.
It was over moreso did I even know.
It dawned on me that she was trying to shield me from the characteristics of this " dream girl". Rather that this was just an elaborate trap that would send me running to my defeat, demise and death. Three d's of down, it was. How odd was it for me to associate feelings of love and characteristics to some stranger I did not know. Rather the characteristics of a friend onto this total stranger.
In looked back on the previous weeks, were I made sure I did well on assignments and goals I usually would never have without this "fantasy" drug.
This vision was now corrupting and made me sick.
A family with who? Why?
Why even damn architecture when I did not even know what it was all about?!
Why did I have to exist in a world where people responded simply so nasty to a well mannered friend request. As soon as the bell rung for class, that rung that I had been executed. I hurried to class and I was mortified and of course, my friend was still there in that same class. Seeming depressed. It all seemed so familiar. Like, I had lived this all before...!
I said to myself, " it can't be over!"
I have not even got to begun.
The memories kept washing over me.....
The Kept.. I was young and born.
A whittle washed up and worn. And the tigers of the plain
ate at my dying body even disregarding my pain.
Even disregarding my pain. Even the disease in my brain,
Causing me major pain. Of the tides of the disdain.
Am I a psychopath for asking you a hello.
Well hell no.
Well hell no, the reality is that the fantasy is broken.
And I have the kept honor of your disaster in me.
The kept... the kept... the kept... honor deep inside of me.
Horror deep inside me, reach for the stars of profanity and the
insanity of the rip laws of reality compel me to scream.
I fucked all my trust golden in a dream and I have kept this to myself too long.
I have kept this to myself too long!
Though I kept moving on.
hardly anyone song along, tried to stab me while I'm weak and that's not fun.
I feel fell off the empire ship of the fantasy dip,drip, drip where
the mermaids were playing skip, skip. And the rip laws
say. play the kept, to be the keep
They say kept, the play, the keep of the play, was a plague in
my brain what the fuck is it all to be ascertained.
That I am to blame.
That I am the keep, I am the kept disease.
But no, I'm just a boy crying on his knees, rising up some degrees
for the water to rise to the head and wipe the nonsensical disease clean.
But I got to rip it out with my hands to defeat the keep... the keep, the kept
disease that you so launch at me.
Will you be kept?
In a bottle?!
Will you be kept? in a bottle?
The dream version of you to come and rescue me.....
from this disaster reality has given me.
I was damned to be a fool played or I could become a victor to conquer this pain and problem, this shatter reality, so I decided to do that, instead. After all, it was much more fun than that a reality of fucking an ape savage. Especially when every one was mostly in majority an enemy against me and my objectives.
In short, later, I realized that I was not even attracted to her at all, this dream girl, but the memory and idea she represented in outward appearance. In fact, later even though I continued to chase this girl the remainder of highschool and waste my youth, I could not compel myself to even like this person.
But I stayed sick for a long time...and with little hope, help or aspirations.
This event was perfect in ensuring that I realized that this world was not even worth its weight of majority morals. That I was surely alone in a land where people cry they are free, yet have to go to such abdominal lengths to get something, a "release" from something holding them down. That is the conscience of being entire slaves to a system of rich people. Who philter your brain with fantasies that work for you to kill could be allies and delude yourself that its not your fault for being uneducated about the world you truly live in.
But please pay attention to these logs, as they explain how I have even reached where I am today, of course I can not tell everything and many parts will be omitted.Furthermore if you really decipher the meaning, you can find a method to create your own artwork/comic. May or may not be turned into a comic. Methods may or not to be exposed.
However, even though the past was utter shite, I discovered a better future even the 2011 me could be more proud of. And this is the story I tell, of a better future.
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