waveofsadness.
I have come to fear the times of happiness. Well they are not even much happy, just really fake.
But can be taken as happy moments here as alternate dimensional times. Where the people inside are actually happy. But some types of permanent happy are only temporary in this world. Quiet hellish in my en and view. The people a raving mess. Having the opportunity to have the happiness of each other while completing great things, yet still in the 21st era, they can only make children. Not one thing more. This is why I like rock bands, bands of any purpose, bands of artists and animators and other types of people who band together, scientists, architects and professionals in the invention scheme and dream. They can create so much together and do so much good together.
Yet this generation and the generation ignores the validity of teamwork and its impact in society. The internet is just a place full of rot. It shows that creativity can only be implied when degraded and showcasing people's bodies via porn. People only care about creativity and the like only if sex is involved most of the time. Because there are many porn sites and many genres and themes in which there should be actual functional stories and instead of this we have illiterate folks and people who think its okay to trash something that they thrive and abuse all time, producing these children who will not find any respect in the future or now. Unless, people learn to change or are forced to.
But that is not my problem.Essentially, people are too callous and too strange for me to understand. Driven by this ideal of wanting people to do this thing for you, that they are not obligated to. Women, many feel like they are not obligated to even talk to the man or boy they like. Because they believe this romantic nonsense portrayed by books and hollywood. This love I once wanted to be mine, but I realized that it was fake and placed to much importance on men, for a relationship that is supposed to be mutual and not overbearing. Many women think men should just kill theirselves just to talk to them when many will never put any great emphasis in being able to talk to anyone besides the people they are comfortable with in their little world, if it does exist. And if does not exist, its only being antisocial, and being too self important to think that a man or boy has to deliver the speech to woman right or in a certain way for him to be right in his feelings. They call you a creep. If you so much look like someone who is not in their world's expectations. They shatter your dreams as if your mind is a joke. They play with you. They think it is some how funny in this age of feminist empowerment that they can just deal men and even other women the hand they need to see! In their opinion, hard rejection if you are "trash" "vermin"" second class" citizen in their world's review. Yet, they look at you with sights of affection and even love but when it comes to the initial push, if you are not to their part you must be broken apart! These type of women are the ones I have come across too many times.
They hate you for liking them and then like you in secret and expect you to continue hunting them like some damn dog! They like you in part but they just want to change you to be the person in their little world. Not who you should be with them in the shared world.
They know they like you but will never do the part of communication at all, sometimes not at all, sometimes well but with deception. They will never come to confess because they in sight already look down on you as trash and they think as trash you should be the bitch for them and literally through your fucking self at their feet time and time again. Brain rotting in the process. When no one should be treated like trash.
Once again, I tried. The girl was inviting and invited me to her club. But the club in essentials was not one thing for me. The damn club was not about creating art but establishing the ego that you have done art or know art. Completely an inadequate waste of resources, money and people. Wrong logistics to even showcasing artwork, rather wanting participation from a public who could not care less about the art least they snagg the pizza you got. Not to say she was a woman of no direction, to be joined up with such a determent, I could not commit myself to such a person, a person of great shame would only stick around to a club that makes a mockery of all their hard work and sacrifice. Basically, I would not associate with a lesser art folk who is only an enthusiast. She just was not in my world. And I felt that I would be a jerk to even be around her if she chose the way of this bs crowd.
I tried again. This time, my trauma came back and I could not say any words, but I could say them to another woman until the trauma of being near this person I thought would bring happiness to me and me bring happiness to them, got to much for me to continue speaking yet even racing in deep thinking.
Then again, nothing beats nothing when you discover this particular person who gives you trauma, talking about you as they pass by when you sit in the next seat the next day, of course, You were not even there for them, but to observe the area and see what a certain phenomenon you felt in the area was all about! Yet childishly, they mock you!
"Does he think sitting in that area, I will sit there," she said to her friend as they passed with an unease even near disgust face still tinged with interest.
DO YOU FUCKING THINK I AM A FOOL!
I wasted many weeks in which could have gone to someone else. I was so fucked up by that one time, these people where just playing me.
Not the girl I talked to in that instance.
But this chick in my art class. She would look at me. And I would look at her forward. My head could only face one direction forward to where she was. She would look back and I would be looking forward and with a frown, cringe or normal face return to her normal position. She in class would sometimes smile at me and then she would not.
Then she would look back and then I would not be actually looking and look up and see her looking back. And then she would be angry at me again.
One and many times she saw me outside of class, she usually had no smile. Then sometimes increasingly she would smile. Others times she would not. She would usually be with another male friend. And they seemed to talk about me in front of and back of me. Then recently, I sat down on a seat outside the area to class and she could not decide whether to embrace me with a gaze or not. She pretended as if I was not there and continued her day.
She seemed to say, "if I am in love why does it have to be about love with him? That guy he is just not good enough and never makes any effort to be my prince".
I myself had no real feelings, not even a tinge of pain or any real feelings. Why? Because for a long time, a for a real long time, I ignored that I had these feelings myself. These romantic feelings because it was not beneficial to survival.
I striped all the feelings not essential to survival just to live while writing here most of the time in a dark place. In my life where I had no friends, no one but my own wit and skill.
Yet, this girl discounted that I had any sense of wit and skill. And for egoistical reasons I was pissed.
But I never let this even show, I kept it away, because it could be mistaken as love and I would soon mistake it for love when I do not like my struggle being laughed at by some strangers who just come to rob you of your happiness and your fun and your alone time in the fucking dark.
It was your kind who drove me into such a place and often I will not leave with such taunts against me, flirting it may be, but not the type of anything that should get anyone really interested in a relationship. After being treated basically like they had no romantic counterpart and that their requests where invalid as they might as well be some type of born invalid in this pop pretty world.
I got tried too much of their nonsense in the first times of my living, that I decided that I did not need to worry about romance when the people I wanted to love where just the people who wanted to kill me or have me killed. Never give me any opportunity but when I show up for one time, they realized they were fake all along. They realize that after many years of ignoring this person for who they wanted to be, just to be with them They have not only done wrong to the person, not only made a fool of the person, disrespecting them and their intents but they have essentially disqualified theirselves to be the romantic counterpart of them. They just don't deserve the respect which has been given to them.
I try to hear all love interests who are actual serious and many times I have gone the distance for my own self mental harm. I only do this to say I am not one of these people who does not give people a chance but there absolutely people I will never give a chance. Why?
They make it their job to make your life a living hell and a waste of time.
There is no point of pursuing a relationship with them because they are likely to do the same or worse inside the relationship, but I could be wrong.
And sometimes, this second guessing gets me into trouble because most of times, I am hell right!
In the time of last week. I was so betrayed that I could not think as happy as I was before. I felt a sense of trauma and I was not there so shaken by the people I come to despise. This girl in my class and a passerby girl really did a number on me. And I could not breathe.
Light was shown to me, I envisioned a future and then in one action, it was gone forever.
Like I was only capable of attracting these half sided people who could never commit to someone they saw as lesser. Where a future was presented only to be smashed.
I went in circles and then I realized there were women who actually liked me for me and not one thing more or less.
Then in the death of my heart yet again,
I met a light.
A woman who was radiant as light.
Quiet similar to a woman I fell in love before.
With much similarity in attitude to this one woman I like.
Prevented me from sinking any lower and to realize a new direction forward.
And that is not forcing love to happen.
There is no reason to prostrate to be treated like shit,
When you can skip that feat and be treated as an equal.
But can be taken as happy moments here as alternate dimensional times. Where the people inside are actually happy. But some types of permanent happy are only temporary in this world. Quiet hellish in my en and view. The people a raving mess. Having the opportunity to have the happiness of each other while completing great things, yet still in the 21st era, they can only make children. Not one thing more. This is why I like rock bands, bands of any purpose, bands of artists and animators and other types of people who band together, scientists, architects and professionals in the invention scheme and dream. They can create so much together and do so much good together.
Yet this generation and the generation ignores the validity of teamwork and its impact in society. The internet is just a place full of rot. It shows that creativity can only be implied when degraded and showcasing people's bodies via porn. People only care about creativity and the like only if sex is involved most of the time. Because there are many porn sites and many genres and themes in which there should be actual functional stories and instead of this we have illiterate folks and people who think its okay to trash something that they thrive and abuse all time, producing these children who will not find any respect in the future or now. Unless, people learn to change or are forced to.
But that is not my problem.Essentially, people are too callous and too strange for me to understand. Driven by this ideal of wanting people to do this thing for you, that they are not obligated to. Women, many feel like they are not obligated to even talk to the man or boy they like. Because they believe this romantic nonsense portrayed by books and hollywood. This love I once wanted to be mine, but I realized that it was fake and placed to much importance on men, for a relationship that is supposed to be mutual and not overbearing. Many women think men should just kill theirselves just to talk to them when many will never put any great emphasis in being able to talk to anyone besides the people they are comfortable with in their little world, if it does exist. And if does not exist, its only being antisocial, and being too self important to think that a man or boy has to deliver the speech to woman right or in a certain way for him to be right in his feelings. They call you a creep. If you so much look like someone who is not in their world's expectations. They shatter your dreams as if your mind is a joke. They play with you. They think it is some how funny in this age of feminist empowerment that they can just deal men and even other women the hand they need to see! In their opinion, hard rejection if you are "trash" "vermin"" second class" citizen in their world's review. Yet, they look at you with sights of affection and even love but when it comes to the initial push, if you are not to their part you must be broken apart! These type of women are the ones I have come across too many times.
They hate you for liking them and then like you in secret and expect you to continue hunting them like some damn dog! They like you in part but they just want to change you to be the person in their little world. Not who you should be with them in the shared world.
They know they like you but will never do the part of communication at all, sometimes not at all, sometimes well but with deception. They will never come to confess because they in sight already look down on you as trash and they think as trash you should be the bitch for them and literally through your fucking self at their feet time and time again. Brain rotting in the process. When no one should be treated like trash.
Once again, I tried. The girl was inviting and invited me to her club. But the club in essentials was not one thing for me. The damn club was not about creating art but establishing the ego that you have done art or know art. Completely an inadequate waste of resources, money and people. Wrong logistics to even showcasing artwork, rather wanting participation from a public who could not care less about the art least they snagg the pizza you got. Not to say she was a woman of no direction, to be joined up with such a determent, I could not commit myself to such a person, a person of great shame would only stick around to a club that makes a mockery of all their hard work and sacrifice. Basically, I would not associate with a lesser art folk who is only an enthusiast. She just was not in my world. And I felt that I would be a jerk to even be around her if she chose the way of this bs crowd.
I tried again. This time, my trauma came back and I could not say any words, but I could say them to another woman until the trauma of being near this person I thought would bring happiness to me and me bring happiness to them, got to much for me to continue speaking yet even racing in deep thinking.
Then again, nothing beats nothing when you discover this particular person who gives you trauma, talking about you as they pass by when you sit in the next seat the next day, of course, You were not even there for them, but to observe the area and see what a certain phenomenon you felt in the area was all about! Yet childishly, they mock you!
"Does he think sitting in that area, I will sit there," she said to her friend as they passed with an unease even near disgust face still tinged with interest.
DO YOU FUCKING THINK I AM A FOOL!
I wasted many weeks in which could have gone to someone else. I was so fucked up by that one time, these people where just playing me.
Not the girl I talked to in that instance.
But this chick in my art class. She would look at me. And I would look at her forward. My head could only face one direction forward to where she was. She would look back and I would be looking forward and with a frown, cringe or normal face return to her normal position. She in class would sometimes smile at me and then she would not.
Then she would look back and then I would not be actually looking and look up and see her looking back. And then she would be angry at me again.
One and many times she saw me outside of class, she usually had no smile. Then sometimes increasingly she would smile. Others times she would not. She would usually be with another male friend. And they seemed to talk about me in front of and back of me. Then recently, I sat down on a seat outside the area to class and she could not decide whether to embrace me with a gaze or not. She pretended as if I was not there and continued her day.
She seemed to say, "if I am in love why does it have to be about love with him? That guy he is just not good enough and never makes any effort to be my prince".
I myself had no real feelings, not even a tinge of pain or any real feelings. Why? Because for a long time, a for a real long time, I ignored that I had these feelings myself. These romantic feelings because it was not beneficial to survival.
I striped all the feelings not essential to survival just to live while writing here most of the time in a dark place. In my life where I had no friends, no one but my own wit and skill.
Yet, this girl discounted that I had any sense of wit and skill. And for egoistical reasons I was pissed.
But I never let this even show, I kept it away, because it could be mistaken as love and I would soon mistake it for love when I do not like my struggle being laughed at by some strangers who just come to rob you of your happiness and your fun and your alone time in the fucking dark.
It was your kind who drove me into such a place and often I will not leave with such taunts against me, flirting it may be, but not the type of anything that should get anyone really interested in a relationship. After being treated basically like they had no romantic counterpart and that their requests where invalid as they might as well be some type of born invalid in this pop pretty world.
I got tried too much of their nonsense in the first times of my living, that I decided that I did not need to worry about romance when the people I wanted to love where just the people who wanted to kill me or have me killed. Never give me any opportunity but when I show up for one time, they realized they were fake all along. They realize that after many years of ignoring this person for who they wanted to be, just to be with them They have not only done wrong to the person, not only made a fool of the person, disrespecting them and their intents but they have essentially disqualified theirselves to be the romantic counterpart of them. They just don't deserve the respect which has been given to them.
I try to hear all love interests who are actual serious and many times I have gone the distance for my own self mental harm. I only do this to say I am not one of these people who does not give people a chance but there absolutely people I will never give a chance. Why?
They make it their job to make your life a living hell and a waste of time.
There is no point of pursuing a relationship with them because they are likely to do the same or worse inside the relationship, but I could be wrong.
And sometimes, this second guessing gets me into trouble because most of times, I am hell right!
In the time of last week. I was so betrayed that I could not think as happy as I was before. I felt a sense of trauma and I was not there so shaken by the people I come to despise. This girl in my class and a passerby girl really did a number on me. And I could not breathe.
Light was shown to me, I envisioned a future and then in one action, it was gone forever.
Like I was only capable of attracting these half sided people who could never commit to someone they saw as lesser. Where a future was presented only to be smashed.
I went in circles and then I realized there were women who actually liked me for me and not one thing more or less.
Then in the death of my heart yet again,
I met a light.
A woman who was radiant as light.
Quiet similar to a woman I fell in love before.
With much similarity in attitude to this one woman I like.
Prevented me from sinking any lower and to realize a new direction forward.
And that is not forcing love to happen.
There is no reason to prostrate to be treated like shit,
When you can skip that feat and be treated as an equal.
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