2015 to 2019; Dreary Valentines and one girl.

 Utterly, the day of Valentines day is not my favorite. Nothing much good happens on in terms of romantics and not very much at all. I remember in 2017 on this day I missed school because it was downpouring. There was no one much at the school but another generic Ashely and yet another I was too afraid to even speak to because of the toxic circumstances therein but it was a missed day. Yet maybe it was good that a person missed it so they could spend time on theirselves and their efforts but the romantic in me then thought something would happen but I now realize how bleak things were. There was no chance I was going to fight against a culture of racism and hate alone and win especially when people were so adamant about being "right and racist" if not elitist. Such a cut throat culture that you'd be afraid anyone who you gave any indication of liking would turn on because they thought belittling you would make theirselves seem big in the college scene but especially for these people the community college scene.

 I think pretty much in 2018; there was not anyone at the campus to even be amongst or think of in any way but just hate the holiday entirely as you just heard evil racist people talking about their plans in class and some latina be oblivious to the fact that Trump supporters don't have her back to be talking openly as if she would be respected sharing any of her plans for the day. 2019's day was a bit more optimistic but really much I did not care and more enough I actually cringed when this dude showed up with balloons and flowers for this girl after school or after they were done with school and he was picking her up. Kudos; I had seen this girl at the school for 4 years up to then aka she appeared in 2015 spring and I was even once to consider asking her out but the way she looked at my father was just not inviting for any future positive relations. 

Much enough to be said this person wanted to be worried about prestige and thought I was lowly when by sure standards of anything they had no freaking degree by the end of 2018. Like can you imagine the lack of direction when it takes a person four years to complete an associate degree or even take classes to transfer alone and not get a degree? I am to say the dude this girl was dating in 2019 was about to graduate by the end of the spring semester and she had been there for how many years when it only took him two? I think enough this person was just being so very slow to recognize they were the least competitor in things. I mean everyone much around and in the spring and fall 2015 semesters had pretty much moved on and/or gotten some type of degree. For a person who wanted to be ahead of me and others-they were completely under the curve. Heck, why I was still there was to get into another college and that was that. She was still trapped as if this was spring 2015 when she just got out of highschool. Pretty much this person was still young at 22 but for age comparison the dude she was with had to be some type of highschool scholar( meaning he started to get an associate's degree in highschool) and could either be 18 or 20. Whatever the case; the dude was younger than here and I was 23. Similar in age but really much not in mental maturity. I think enough that the dude was mature for his age and the girl was immature for her age and just tried to lump in with people naive to mask her insecurity about not being successful when she first left highschool. 

Kudos; this person was not a nice person really much always in the previous years since 2015 being a little jerk when the person did not know me and would not. I mean; this person always appeared near me. There were times I even saw her in the local mall and Target unintentionally and she did not appear there for me. I am to say you could probably say that if a person even did speak to them in the past-you would never escape them and them being the toxic way they are would only drag you down. Probably each time you saw them if the first did not lead into something else; would get you deeper involved with them until you were married to them. Yet the nasty and nightmarish nature of higher education is that people rather not think for theirselves but aspire to hate and ever time would only ascend to find in theirselves hate on towards you. That is until the times you see them outside of school and the last time you would see them; seemingly realizing they had missed somewhat an opportunity to be with a person who always seemingly was there with them. Realizing the great fact that the school inspired them to be a little bitch and realizing that maybe if they truly took responsibility for their actions and not pander to convenient falsehoods to build theirselves in the racist power structure of a place; they could have had something that was not just to build theirselves up.

I looked upon this girl receiving the flowers knowing her history and what values she stood for. I am to say that there is a romantic thought that if I did speak to this person in spring 2015; a person could have enlightened this person to not adhere to a blasphemy cycle of ideas and wasting energy and opportunities. I'd like to think that a person could have stopped corruption and misinformation in this person before the endoctrination began using me as a center piece for its need to profit off people and suck them dry. This is what I would like to believe and I particularly think that truly from all the future encounters that would be had-why not? Especially when in the last time I saw them in fall 2019 before the pandemic; they seemed to realize that I existed as a whole person outside of the school and that I was not as was said in the subvert and yet open messages of hate. Truly, I just could not look at this person but to see them at how higher education had failed them if not the pressures and expectations of their culture which can be very toxic and unproductive itself. This notion that academic achievement must be accomplished or a person has failed. I really am to say that greatly this person was looking for an easy way of thought the school only provided to hate but there would never be an easy way forward for this individual. Nothing would be clear and correct for them as any. 

Maybe the great thing of why they could not move forward in their education is because they could not decide a path ahead. They were not sure what to do with their future and no one was there in their corner to guide them but yelp expectations and lacking thought idealisms at them such to just define people as what they wanted them to be and not as they were and are. I found myself looking at a person so desperate to live a path of life they expected to come when they left highschool but it never came and they were listening to these false messages of easy outs out of receiving reality as it is instead of doing the hard work to decide what they want and even who people actually are. Eventually I believe by the end of the fall 2019 semester when I saw them again in a Target and I did not go to the community college anymore; a person began to see the illusion that was cast over their eyes. Truly I was not as was said as surely they were just left behind and if not were left behind by that same boyfriend with flowers to another university and yes other women because let's be real-long distance does not work but who knows if they were together and if the dude actually left the college however I believe by her smile of optimism in seeing me that he was no longer in the picture.

I tried not to look at her accept these flowers and just pretend as if she was going to some golden place she had been held away for four years but really much she was just being played. The dude was too young to really understand anything despite being only 2 or 4 years younger than her but what would happen to this person once the boyfriend left? Being as I always saw him picking her up and whatnot; she would be without a ride and again without direction to this "status of quo of elites". The dude was on his way to this life of lies but her she was to be left in the dust. So much even people who hung out with the dude said as much and even said how old she was in comparison. It would appear in the narrative to the cruel and the wicked as the girl aspired to be that she was the burden. The burden just as she looked at me meanly as I was cut off from talking to her when my father came into the building to greet me and she came up with some depositions towards me just seeing me as someone's brat and not me. I like to say that in the real hive mind she was the lesser because she believed bullshit that did not suit her. Instead of gaining a friend, something more and/or an ally she just made me an enemy to her agendas which I was not. Truly I was the not the burden. I could have helped them if they weren't so mean at the start. Its kinda of ironic on how depositions change only when a person is a certain race and confirmed a certain race. You see some people cannot tell the race that I am; I kinda fall into the cycle of racial ambiguity much and much. I find it ironic this person was like "he's black" by looking at my father who by the way was not that great at reading any room and just so self assuring when he kinda put off a hostile demeanor at that time.

 Either much this person just wanted to believe nonsense that I was going to drag them down but who really did? Their boyfriend who just made them believe brainwashing bullshit that would not ever help them but just help them in their own minds to leave the girl basically alone again and still no closer to any degree or the lifestyle he was achieving.  Truly he just deluded her head with fantasies that she was in the right for deluding herself that her history was as if she was 18 years old and a fresh product for indoctrination and that if she followed social cues and harassed the notions of targeted people being human she would gain social success. Not studying, not getting enough sleep, rest and food and not even having a plan but just winging it as if the community college and its parent college's philosophy was anything to make her just a product that output more products who believed certain ideas so the school could make money and was even a good working idea which it was not. I mean to say how many of their chosen couples actually work out? How many of their harassments to black people pan out to actually benefit them? It never does but in the school's mind black people are always a threat to order.

I looked to think all this when I saw her and I realized greatly she was to be my girl. Rather that she was my girl. In some other world where the corruption this college did not exist; she would be my girl and one that would be better off because I actually helped this person actually move to exit from the community college. In an ideal world she would be my girl but just in reality she was not because I was too weak to reach out to this person and help them. Instead let this person just follow hate till she reached a clown ( you know people who commodify black culture, have some black friends who are "black" but are hateful to people who are very much more complex than a sold image) who was just giving her this grand show for clout in the social sphere of things in this place just to later abandon the person essentially if not truly not grant them any help to move on from a place.

I think much enough that this girl was just another cost in the long war against an education system out for blood against you and not be even satisified that it took one potential romantic partner from you but many more. I turned away from looking at the site as they drove away but not into the sunset. There would be constant reminders of my failure to win against the university culture as people would talk about how great these people were but how it would all end soon and no one really could give a fuck about the girl. Greatly that Valentines day was very sad indeed realizing what corruption does to the natural elements of people; the romantic side that is often meddled with in higher education and even in the corporate situation. Yet for all the romantic posings of the tv's fantasy of Valentine's day and universities' use of this day to supersede their disasterous ruinous plans; there is no real love on a college campuses much enough when all these relationships are just engineered out of snuffing natural health occurrences of people liking other people. 

Heck, I convinced myself I did not like the girl in the end and its ever bit as 1984 as the book but in real life and racist people meddling in the affairs of the people who pay into their damn colleges. Yet I look back to realize that a person only did not intervene because it would be in bad faith to do so aka be a person to break up a relationship. Unlike the great and grand scores of abnormal people who make a pass at governing other people's romantic lives-its something that I would not dare do but yet this girl's first impression even lived with me in those moments as I saw this fleeting performative happiness using the community college as a boost for heir roles in this unfair place. I look back and realize that a person still had feelings for this person despite them not even being an ally but choosing to diss me when they had interest theirselves. Even later after they rode into the sunset there would be feelings from her conveyed in a change of demeanor.