Crushes.

He dreams of spending time with her. Not just time in this class.

But he wants to go far and wide across the world. With her however, reality does not line up with this reality. He will not be able to travel with her, he believes after.  The moments he glances at her.

Is it right to think such thoughts, on an individual who very well could be a bad person, or not the person he imagined? A person who would very much led to a waste of time, for him and for her. Besides what would they even do, be driven around by folks for dates? Pathetic he exclaims.

He just wants to dream and keep the dream alive, but live on the cusp of realizing this ideal. Maybe he’ll become friends first, and then ask her out once he learns more about her. And try as he must and may to get close to her. Even if he finds her mystical report card and returns it to her. And sits with her and her friends on the last day of ninth grade, he cannot hope to garner her attention.

He wants to be with her uninterrupted primarily by the constrains of people who really do not care about them being together. Who would try to separate them. Who would just let things become difficult for them to even be together. He wanted to know if she felt that way too. If it was okay for him to be there with her in this life, and help with which ever endeavor she wished for. He wanted to know if it was okay, to dream this way. He could not just go out of his way to push the feeling of his dreams and his love onto her. That would not be right in his opinion.

But he waits too long, so to speak. Or rather he never has a clear chance to begin with. Other than some world geography project. Which he could have easily asked for her email and then sent the ideal message of romance, and then covered in class, but he does not. He may talk about this with his online friends but he does not. Send this email ever but wants to do it in person. However he never gets the chance. So he did not wait too long, but rather there was no chance for him in any situation to ask the question he needed to ask. Because of the people. He reasons, they have all this ability to folic and waste and have everything so constructed to were they can see their favorite someone, it is just like that. He has to watch the babble of a couple almost every day at lunch because they have such fun luck in being together, where chances are skewed to the worst possibility of people like him. People who do not fit in with the ravel of any group of any kind. He can hope to portray as one of these groups to just benefit as one of them, but that really never works for any grand event. They will never be anything but scorned fools stuck in a hideous manner. Of what life is supposed to believe, believing these characters of who they are now is what they are going to be in the near and far flung future. But he knows, that none of these groups matter anyways. He, will try to make this shitty world a good place.

But the world is cruel.  No one of good temperament actually exists in such view of him. And none ever will unless he is too completely go off the course of these primal society trapped in a highschool. And just disturb the order and try to find people who will be good in the context of the real world to associate with. Similar to which he can live a dream with. He creates this faulty illusion and knows it is not real. But he might as well, as everyone is living a retarded illusion as reality, he might use this to get back at all these retarded saps living such a diminutive illusion  in the context of being reality.

If you are to delude yourself even, why must it be diminutive?

Diminutive in the context of feeling like you own the world and the people in it, when you only have seen the inworkings of a highschool that might as well be of hell.

Why get back? Because the people he has sat with at lunch have turned into the unspeakable trash, that has seek and set to tarnish his mind’s hope and his dreams, as if he is some type of deranged fool. In that Chemistry class, treating him as if a friend and as if not a friend. Only when needed and despised when not needed.

He is forced to sit at a table, with some child with classes and a jacket and eyes that wander admiss.  He and his favorite minion, as best as she could be described. The long haired girl with a jacket and some glasses. He also wears glasses and a jacket but in no means is even similar to those two. Such nerdy they even attempt to be, concerned on their studies always with no real means of their actual goals. Being so stranded from any consequence of the real world. They embark on such childish advents as such of eating off another at lunch. The girl feeding the guy. The guy feeding off the girl. Is every bit not as manly, but yet he still gets the girl without any trying and communicates they are just friends when the other couple brings it up. The other couple who in that class, brings up this issue many times to his annoyance.

He has a dream and it is not where the man is so dependent on the woman, that at times he becomes abusive, just as this fellow to this girl and does little to reprimand his abuses. The girl over time, accepts his abuses as good and willing. He tries to remain calm. This further cements their little mother and son type relationship. But they can never defend him, because they are truly disgusted and lacking in knowledge of reality and any standing of sanity. They are so trapped in their fantasy to know what is real and what is not. All they can see is an outsider trying to project reality onto them, and trying to speak the truth. But the truth they solely reject. Because they cannot live without the friendship of their reality rebellion. They need it to be sane.

In the environment they are in, without this illusion of good will in such a hostile environment, were would they be?

He learns that in the time, were an abuse goes to far. That he is sent to be, this laughingstock. The odd one in the circle of this girl’s friends, who is never hugged, yet she hugs about everyone except those in a relationship. Maybe she reveres him as an important romantic individual or some one she would not be bold enough to extend such an offer.

She rather emphasizes. This in the brief period where the dependant boy has gone too far and too wide. And they stop sitting together. They stop acquitting each other as these prisoners in this chain called friendship and then they are not seen together in the Chemistry class. She refuses to talk to him, “ I am not talking to you”.

“ what have I done? Why won’t you speak  to me?”

All they say as he tries to complete his assignments in ultimate which he is forced to do in ultimate, because being bothered by them sucks such life. Such concentration. Pains him and agonizes him of how such an obtrusive ordeal of people in arms can exist. How deadly the pain is.

Of listening to this babble, makes the mind wicked in revenge, blood, hatred, anger and longing to defeat and rid of these so called “ friends”.

Yet, the girl, when they are sitting together. He, and her have this one to one conversation, that really goes not where, as much as he tries to pry without annoying her past her conversational constraints. He may ask a question over and over but the conversation does not lead anywhere. He may say this and that as exactly as anyone does, but it is all ignored.

He is not the same as anyone and obviously in this situation at times, the girls seems to want him to approach her in a different manner. But he can never trust her that much. When she can never even ask or even talk to him as a real person. A per chance, he actually comes about to speak to her. In the manner she perhaps wishes to be spoken to, in the mid chance of their arrival at a different reality, which both see different angles of. They will not take that chance, for not being bothered with each other more than what they have already taken the chance to be bother with each other at all. And not move further into the realms of instability. Conversely, he rather not have to put up with her attachment more than he already does in chemistry and elsewhere. And he does not want to be faith’ed’ with the consequences of his influences on their relationship. So he just leaves it alone and hopes that they at one point wake up, but they never do.

Instead, unforgivably, with their key of circumstance of having classes with this girl. This girl of dreams, that they believably begin to corrupt her vision of him through their words and their conduct to bring up these trite arguments that really have no sense of morality and no manner are completely true in conduct. They reek of the sense of causing harm. And one day, they issue a talk about religion and just babble and insult God, like someone could insult a friend. Highly religious he was. And so he thought the girl he sat at the table was. But she was not, she just let all these bad things happen, in which anyone who was truly influenced by religion at all would do. But she was influenced by no one but that guy she sat with. She just thought that these happenings were somewhat benefitting of the guy who she saw at that point as an obstacle from the relationship with  her best friend. Maybe in the whole world. Even allowing the advent of religion and of the world to be insylted. She had moved away from him, she had regained this sense of right even after that one vital wrong that accosted her to stay away from that guy at one point. She moved away from him. And found another to be her guy to be in the role she wanted, but when that failed, oh well, it turned out she was wrong. But at this point, she just let him be picked on by her friends for believing in religion and moreso to the point God.

His crush had betrayed any interest of being that girl to travel the world with. As she only had been tainted by these fiends for this and that silly reason and he could not even argue why she should not curse people for defending something that they so believed in.

She was totally not on his side and anyways, not the girl he would travel with anywhere. Her voice corrupted with pain and suffering and misbelief, cursing God and all the advents of God. He totally could no longer go on the way of believing in this dream with her, after two years.

He could not be bothered by her again. She defied reason and logic. He had gotten to know her? No, he had become pissed off with the world for allowing this person to be corrupted and at least allow her to not commit any more sins of speaking out these atrocities against God.

So to shock her and save her, at least from looking silly, which broke his heart. He said, “ shut up or I will kill you”.

She shut up and looked amused. He had whispered it. And to her, it was convicable that it made her blush in a matter. But his heart was shattered. So in pieces of puzzles that he could no longer find himself in love with her or anyone really. It became a requirement to look for someone to love after, because that was what was normal. He decided that he would not allow this to happen again. Ever again. He would find someone suitable in this environment, so that he could learn that he was absolutely correct. The world was messed up and there was little anyone could do in an atmosphere so poignant to be a hell. To make it heaven when no one could be allowed to actually partake in what a nice and normal school should be like. When even the adminstrators and teachers already took advantage of how poorly spawned and governed this school actually was. There was no way, this world could ever be of anything of a blessing nor anything of God. He would never forgive the atmosphere, the people nor anyone who liked the school as some type of fun place. Anything of that standard it was. A hell hole, rotten where people could only be exposed to trash running amuck.  Trash thinking it could take over people’s minds and use them as toys for the perfect mate.

Trash that went out of its way to impose as lie, a faulty reality on another and that is all of what “ a love interest” could be found at such school. Trash,  that only hindered learning and never helped.

Such diversity, of evils. Allowing each group of class to fester its own evil without begin instructed to, and allowing the evil to run rampant. Obviously, learning mattered not at such an institution.

But teaching people how to manipulate and hinder others.

How to get in the way of dreams that are provincial in people’s right to have at such an age and not belittled to think they are rioting in a sewer!

How trash can have dreams that are just that to belittle others and nothing more than cause others harm. And not only this, delude theirselves from reality and expect everyone to go along with such a fantasy.

For him, in exposing the cruelty of life in this pitt hell, was now his mission and he would not allow the abuses of this system to continue. He was not even getting a good education, just vouching for grades, that otherwise helped him in no aspect of his life. He did the act of asking this girl. This pompous whore to be his friend, for disrespect of the entire system. For this lude nonsensical system to reveal its evil once and for all. That everyone really only cared about messing with each other rather than working together to learn! And that pyschopaths, like this girl and many of the rest were allowed to go on thinking they had done a great service to the world being the way they are, because people in this environment allowed it. This girl, could only rudely exclaim, “ NO!” As an advanced as she pertained to be, this is as much friendly an advanced social being could intake to the request of a complete stranger.

The delusion that she was anywhere of what she was supposed to be. Was shaken by this response. And the illusion that this place was any of a vital structure of human organization in teaching people how to live and work in society as people should was shaken. There was no meaning in this place. There was no meaning to these illusions as they did not line up with reality. These people in the characteristics they sought to have were pretty terrible in acting them out, all these ideals of these characters were so warped that one can question, did these people even understand these character types at all? Or were they simply warton idiots? Who accepted that they were accurate to these ideals when of course, they were not.

And when people tried to take them seriously to these ideals, they freaked out when they could not theirselves act to these characters. It is

Both a farce. To assume this was a place of learning, but a place rampant with lies, deceit and all else. Of horrible contraptions that should all be but at left at home, for a place of learning! No one should be bothered by the implications of society in such an environment, but I learned, that to go avoiding the real nature of things would just be letting the environment to continue. I learned that “ he” was not wrong for trying to be together with people while in their own manner of being committed social crimes and laughed at such crimes, nor was he wrong for being the one to expose that their crimes and misgivings were wrong and should not be pardoned.

That people should not banish and hide from true reality even though how forgiving it may be, or the teachings of God, are all just for naught, commercialization and nothing else. But folly, when such advents of God, are to confront the enemy and problems and not run away and act as if they do not exist. But they do exist when people allow them to get in the manner of extreme providence of being the avatars in which people service, make their customs on, livelyhoods and more. And then try to find half repentance from so, they can be both good and wrong at the same time and never committing to the truth. Allowing terrible wrongs and never good rights. This is why, I never, ever truly turned to the seemingly pompus air of architecture as experienced by me, as on a venture, that seemed to turn away from the fact of the reality that people were not living well, yet pushed from their homes with these high property values propping up next to them. All because of making people suffer and running their dreams and ambitions whatever they may be to the ground, is not my style and nor my style in terms of romance. And that is all about the nature of crushes. And my moral standing of not being bothered by delusions.

Several stories within.